useless shit I've bought - part 2

Before we get into 'useless shit I've bought - part 2' I need to share something with you about my morning so far.  

Today, I'm filling in on the phones for the wildlife volunteer service... So, I take the phone over this morning at 7.30am.  I grab my log book, home phone and mobile in one hand and head down stairs to my office with a cup of coffee in the other.

As I go to close the door, my mobile slides right of the log book and 'SPLASH!!!' - straight into Billy bucket of water!  ARGH!  As I'm a prisoner in the house until 5 tonight (when I hand the phone over) there is nothing I can do.  I rang Telstra to see how long I've got left in my contract and, poo poo to me, it's stlll another 11 months off.   So that means, I either have to buy a new phone or pay out the contract $377!  (another useless purchase - well, now that it's been thoroughly drenched!)

I rang Telstra and got onto this dude to see how I could divert the mobile phone number to my landline.  He spent about 10 minutes trying to look it up and explain it - I'm sure he was a stubby short of a six pack.  Anyway, the edited convo, goes a little something like this:

Me:  I just fucked my mobile phone by dropping it in a bucket of water so it's cactus.  I need to divert my calls to my landline... but I don't have access to my mobile anymore so I need to be able to do it all on my landline handset.

Slowy:  Okay... just hold for five fucking hours while I try to sort something out (yeah... he didn't really say that). **** Insert Hold Music**** Okay, you press **61** the phone number **... oh wait!  you press **61**the phone number, then hash, then 25.  Ummmm. No, you press **61 the phone number then 25, then hash.'

Me:  So, I press **61** then the phone number - which phone number?  The mobile phone which is now dead, or the land line number?'

Slowy:  The mobile phone number.  Oh... I mean, the land line number.  Ah?  Nah, nah.. the mobile number.  Thats the one you want to divert, right?

Me:  Yeah.  So **61**my mobile number, 25 and #.

Slowy:  Yeah... then you press send.

Me:  Send?  I'm a little confused?  What button is the send button?  

Slowly:  You know, the send button!

Me:  Sorry... I'm not sure what you're referring to.  What is the send button?  I'm not on the mobile... I'm on a land line.  I don't think my landline handset has a 'send' button.

Slowy:  Oh!  You're on a land line?  I thought you were on the mobile?

Me:  Nah dickhead (okay I didn't say dickhead - you got me)... I dropped my mobile in a bucket of water, remember?

_________________________________________________________

Now back to our regularly scheduled program...

Case Study 2:  NB: In this scenario I was completely sober.

We were doing up the spare room - and thank fuck for that - the blue and yellow moon theme were giving me cerebral damage.  

I went to Spotlight as I thought I might get all crafty.  Mistake!  

I ended up walking out with $174 worth of material, canvas, ribbons, buttons, glue gun, felt and so on... which to this day I still haven't used.

Oh... sorry!  I have.... I made this fucking ugly as a hat full of arseholes lamp shade!

Smoking Shell man totally steals the limelight.