Recently, it's fair to say, I've let myself slip. The past few months have been incredibly tough - in fact, since I've moved back I've struggled. Struggled with fitting in... struggled with self image... struggled with relationships... struggled with myself.
Lately, after a trip to Melbs and a good chat with family who saw the depression returning thick and fast, I've come home committed to getting myself back on track.
Many things I was passionate about I've totally dropped the ball on. Depression, for me, really is disconnection... from myself. It creeps back in when I become unaligned with my values. It's a nasty circle - the things you need to do to pull yourself out, you don't feel like doing. For me, it's a lonely and shitty trip down self hate street. The worse I feel, the less I do, the less I do the more I dislike myself, the worse I feel and so on.
I've been throwing a massive pity party for myself of late... interestingly, I've also been throwing actual parties and events that no one has shown up to... which has perpetuated my personal pity party - reinforcing my poor self worth.
Sometimes the hardest part about having the knowledge I've gained through my journey is being aware that I am the creator of my experience. That lessons will repeat until we learn the lesson. That I've attracted this back into my life for a reason... and owning that without beating myself up about it.
I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say the past year I've been under quite high levels of stress. Amongst other things I've struggled to fit back into my old life (which doesn't suit me at all anyway) and I've opened a new business which I've thrown every cent I have into (and some of the banks) and it's been a slow start. This, added to the fact I haven't been using all my wonderful tools for dealing with stress, has led me to the brink of a meltdown.
One of the main issues I'm dealing with is my feelings of resentment. One of the greatest tools I have is my ability (which I worked very hard on) to see another's point of view and always come from compassion... however, that's recently been replaced with resentment. I've had a few people let me down recently, or not give me back as much as I've given them.
I really need to 'get over myself'... I also now understand that this has all been reflecting back to me the way I've been feeling about myself. It's an outward reflection of my inner self. I've been letting myself down, not giving myself enough credit and really not showing myself the same level of compassion I'd been showing others.
I need to get back to a place where I can give without expectation, accept without question and love without condition... and how can I do this?
Drop expectations - from myself and others.
Live in the moment and get back in my body - which I usually start by setting a buzzer each hour and checking in with myself.
Do more of the things I love... just because they make me feel good.
And through extending myself the same courtesy, and kindness, as I do to others.
I feel the best when I'm doing things for others, and I LOVE helping people get back on track and creating spectacular lives. In fact, it's the very reason I started my new business.
However, with all the bills and stress that I've piled on myself I lost that focus. This morning I was reminded after reading a random email (funny how the things you need find a way of making their way to you just in time) something shifted. Then, the phone rang. It was a guy wanting to start following his heart in his business but not really knowing where to start. Bingo.
Time to reconnect, refocus and refresh. Pressing the enter button on a new start now.
the hard questions
6 months ago