Thursday, July 12, 2012

Lapse of Sanity

A couple of days back I had a temporary lapse of sanity.  I jumped to a misinformed conclusion (I guess one might call it a massive assumption - you know, the mother of all fuck ups) and I felt a surge of anger rise through me.  Usually, in my right mind, I'd think about why I had that thought, consider if it were true, how I might approach the situation and see both sides (well, all sides) of the scenario.  I'd then diplomatically proceed with caution.
This time... no.  I just pounced!  I didn't consider anything... that perhaps I'd jumped to the wrong conclusion because of the amount of pressure I've been under... that this person would not intentionally hurt me.  I turned into a victim of the highest order and paranoid delusional freak.  I acted without thinking of the consequences.  I acted in anger.  I acted passive aggressively and wanted to make this person feel guilty.  I acted this out through an IM on facebook.  Low!  
The very second I hit enter... I felt immediate regret.  Something clicked.  What had I done?  I had acted in malice.  I apologised, I apologised and I apologised.  I cried, and I cried, and I cried.  I was still crying when I went to bed that night.  
There were lots of outside factors that brought me to this breaking point.  None of which are excuses, but they do help me to understand why I acted out.  Something needed to shift.  I could feel myself slowly falling back into dum... dum... dummmmmm... depression. 
Part of my melt down happened because I'd taken on responsibility for another persons feelings. I was trying to avoid this.. and do that... just to make her feel okay.  But it was making me miserable.  I was beginning to resent it... and her.  I misdirected this anger towards someone completely undeserving.  If I really think about it, I do this quite a bit.  I don't often let people know when I'm struggling for fear of worrying them.
Yeah... I know, letting people dictate how I feel.  See it's great to have all this knowledge, but when you are drowning in your own thoughts it's really hard to find a clear track out of that space.  Today I realised I'm only human and it's okay to have dropped the ball momentarily.  Something needed to shift, obviously, and I feel like I've moved a big tree from the road ahead.  I was shitting myself that I was falling into depression again... thankfully I saw the signs and was able to put in place some rescue strategies.  
Micko has been great.  He is one of the only people I really have, in person, that I can turn to.  He sees when I'm struggling and fishes for communication - I like to shut down and shut everything and everyone out.  I have this belief that I need to do it all myself... on my own.  Which is then mirrored back to me by friends not coming to my rescue when I need.  I can't blame them, if I don't ask for help or for what I want, I can't expect to be given it - especially when, if I'm honest with myself, I won't allow it.  I can't be weak... I have to be the strong one.  What a ridiculous standard to have set myself.
I'm going to let the walls down.  Truly make myself vulnerable.  It's okay not to be perfect and have your shit together all the time.  Hell, it's everyone's story.  I'm certainly no alone on the struggle front. 
I've understood and implemented the 'everyone is fighting their own battle', but this morning it really hit home EVERYONE (including ME) is fighting their own battle.  Doesn't matter whether it's someone who seems to have it all - the uber rich and famous, the friend of facebook that seems to be living the dream, the person sitting next to you in the office, or train, or standing behind you in the supermarket, or myself, EVERYONE comes from their experience and inner battles.  So, I'm going to forgive myself my indiscretion and move forward with love and compassion - not just for everyone else, but also for me.  It's true, we are our own worst critic.  What would I say if a friend made a mistake?  Don't worry.  You are a good person with a good heart.  Take what you can from this and move on.  Let yourself off the hook.
I pride myself on being open and honest, and for the most part I am.  But I fear rejection and judgement just like everyone else.  Shame most of it actually comes from within... what's going on around me is a reflection of what's going on within.
When I got up this morning I saw a facebook status of a girl I recently met.  A couple of years ago her husband broke his neck playing football. She is not only a Mum, a full time carer, a volunteer in the women's network but she also runs her own business.  Incredibly inspiring.... anyway, here was her status:
Am apprehensive, a little bit nervous, but mostly excited ...

Tomorrow we're headed to the gold coast hospital to have a consultation with a plastic surgeon who specialises in muscle and tendon transfers for peeps with spinal cord injury ... hmmmm, talking about splitting the bicep and putting it into the wrist or hand so that hopefully one finger or thumb might work.

Would be a long and somewhat unpleasant process, with a difficult recovery, but if it came off and was a success - wow what a difference having a finger or thumb that worked would be!

Like, being able to pick your own nose?!!! :-)

Watch this space ...

Oh, and if you want to know more - there's an awesome website with heaps of video's that quad's have posted
Reality check!  I mean seriously... This guy is about to go through some torturous surgery just so he might be able to pick his nose.  The things we take for granted.
What have I got to complain about? Not much, that's for sure.  The one thing I do have to remember is that although my struggles aren't as hard as some, they are every bit as valid.  Sometimes it does take a bit of a nudge to see the silver lining.  
So I'm making some changes.  Focusing on the things that make me feel good - for a start. Today I've set my alarm to go off every hour and I'm taking a moment to check in and shift.  How am I?  Emotionally, spiritually, physically?  What needs to shift between now and the next buzzer to make my day even better?  I'm 5 buzzers in and feeling good.  
I'm going to be open to allowing good things in my life.  I'm gong to be kind and gentle to others and myself.  I'm going to be unashamedly me.  In one particular aspect of my life I've been a prisoner of my bad experiences... but they do not dictate my future unless I allow them to.  
I'm changing the record!  Change is a foot at the Circle K.  
I am perfect in my imperfection.
And so are you!

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