Thursday, December 31, 2009

Bye Bye Naughties!

Another decade gone, eh!  Crazy shit!  I think back to 10 years ago and bringing in the Millenium.. what a different headspace (or person) I was back then!  (I was at a rave!?! oh yeah... it was the end of the 90s - what better way to go out)

This decade has been AH-MAZ-ING!  But all that is for another blog entirely!

This year has been full of great times, big changes and a little sadness, but for the most part I've got one more kickarse year under my belt. 

We gave up the renting game and finally moved into our first (bank owned) home... Made some new friendships and rekindled some old and gold ones... We moved interstate (again!!!)  We adopted our furry baby Billy... I continued on with the fitness regime... Got my first tan in about 20 years... Some great mates got married, engaged or had kids, while Micko and I celebrated 3 years of marital bliss... My business kept growing and growing... and of course, I joined the blogoshere!  So as I look back at 2009 it's with a happy heart - even though it was 2009 that took from me one of the most important women in my life (RIP Nanna Fin).

I've grown and matured (a little, but not too much).. I've laughed, I've cried and I've loved... and from any year you can't ask for much more than that.  Tonight, I'm taking it easy (for the first quiet NYE ever) - I'm exhausted from driving the 15 hours home yesterday (well being a passenger for 15 hours)... not too mention all the socialising and beer I've consumed.  So, it will be me and Micko, a few quiet brews, a shitload of prawns and good cheese, a little music and maybe a bit of a walk to see whats happening. 

I'll be back to fill you in with what a rad time I had over the break... but for now, I'd just like to say Happy New Year!  You guys rock my universe! 

Cheers big ears! 

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

On the road again...

Tonight, shortly after midnight, Micko, Billy and I will head off on the close to 20 hour trip down the east coast of Australia to my old home town of Melbourne.  There is soooo much to do before we go... I so should not be procrastinating right now. But hey!  You can't teach an old dog new tricks!


Gym (check), pack, clean car, clean house, walk dog, buy a few 4 packs of Mother (need some artificial help getting through this trek), cross my fingers and hope to hell the remaining 2 pressies I'm missing arrive in the post today, work, sleep, get the electrician round to fix the fan (check)... I think that about sums it up.  


I picked up some sedatives for the Bilby, although I'm a little reluctant to give them to him.  He is a pretty good traveller so I'd rather not dose him up on drugs unless it's necessary.

Oh and while I was doing my daily ritual of coffee (I know! I know!  Why???) and catching up on what's going down in bloggy town, I came across a couple of blogs that triggered memories of my childhood... Consumption Rebellion mentioned running through sprinklers (an old summer treat for people of my vintage, not so for kids of today - water restrictions have put a stop to that).  it made me recall countless summer days, running around the back yard, completely starkers (nude if you're not familiar with that term), soaked from head to toe.  This was always followed by a Zooper Dooper (an iceblock in plastic) and perhaps a few Twisties in a bowl.  Then there was the Slip 'n Slide!  A giant piece of plastic with a hose running down the side.   Awesome fun -especially when you're house was on a sloping block!   Although the Slip 'n Slide was fun... it always ended in tears!

The other was Summer's guest post at the fabulous K.Laws blog... A great story about stocking fillers and tradition.  I instantly remembered the pillow case that Santa would fill year after year.  We never did stockings, but we always did pillowcases.  In fact, when I moved away to Byron, my sweet mother secretly sent my presents and the original pillowcase to my Mother-in-law so I'd have a little bit of home with me.

I wasn't really feeling at all Christmasey (whatever that is) but those precious little tidbits have lifted my spirits and now I'm looking forward to...

The look on my family members faces when the open their gifts.
Christmas lunch at Nanna's (RIP) and swapping stories of previous Christmases with the entire family.
Christmas dinner with the crazy side of the family... beers, beers, beers and more beers.

I just need to get this friggen drive out of the way first!  Shitbomb of a car... be kind!

Oh and one last thing... the parcel man just delivered one of my missing presents!  One to go and I'm hoping it arrives with the mail man!

Happy holidays you rad, kickarse bitches (and pimps)... Love your work!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Christmas - is in the bag!

It seems everyone has, or is, posting Christmas cheer on their blogs or facebook.  I'm not really one for Christmas cheer - I do love giving gifts, eating and drinking with those most important to me though (my family).

This year will be a tough one.  We are having the last Christmas at my Nanna's house - she would have wanted us to have one more big family Christmas at her place and I know she'll be there (in spirit) joining in on the laughs and beers.  Besides her huge presence, I will also dearly miss her Yo Yo's and Jelly Slice! 

I've been wondering if it's the end of an era... Will we all still celebrate as an extended family, or are those days over now that Lily's not around?  Will we start just doing the immediate family, with no cousins, Aunties and Uncles to speak of?  Man, I hope not!   It's being surrounded by those people that has made Christmas so special.  As I've lived interstate for a number of years, I've often had to miss out on Christmas with the fam... but going back and spending that past 2 years has been awesome.

This year, we are packing up the car and driving the 20 odd hours to Melbourne... this was potentially the last Christmas with Nanna around (unfortunately that wasn't to be) and we'd wanted to be there to share it with her.  While Nanna passed, our plans stayed put. 

Billy is making the trek with us - should be fun!?!  The plan is to go to sleep tomorrow arvo, wake up around midnight and take off at 1am.  That way, we'll make Sydney before the maniac traffic hits (not sure if it will be that bad - heaps of people have already finished up work so that should lighten the congestion a little).  We also didn't want to be driving down the Hume, dashing between those ridiculous B-Doubles (it's like playing Russian Roulette).

Anyways... this was going to be about all the rad presents I've bought and how awesome I am because I finished the shopping and it's all wrapped and ready to go.  Then I realised my bro's and partners might be reading and I don't want to spoil the surprises.

I will show you this though... For my Mum,  I got this stunning bracelet from Cathy Dailey's etsy store...

I am in love with it!  It is soooo my Mum - even has 3 little hearts - one for each child (mine is the biggest one haha)

So... Merry Christmas fellow blogland friends!  Hope you have a great time and overindulge a plenty!  Also, that Santa spoils you rotten!  Peace!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Where Am I?

Are you feeling a little lost?  Wondering where on earth you are?

Welcome to my new world... think it suits me a little better!  In fact, I think it suits me down to a T!

Thanks sooooo much to Lauren at Designer Blogs for doing such an 'effin kickarse job!  And for putting up with my Diva-esque behavior, my ridiculous demands and 300 plus emails (slight exaggeration on all  accounts).  You are the greatest!

And what a way to celebrate the milestone of 100 posts!

Glutton for punishment!

I love the smell of coffee... but that shit just doesn't agree with me!

The last 2 mornings I've had to get up at 6.20am to drive Micko into Bananaland for work.  Yesterday he had a work Christmas lunch and was going to hit the beers, then today - we're going up to Byron for an early Christmas with MIL tonight and we live 40 mins in the opposite direction (save him driving back only to turn around re-trace 40 minutes of tyre tracks).

Plus, last night I slept like a bitch!  I'm not sure what was going on, but my mind felt like it was chasing it's tail... round and round and round and round.  I couldn't get the fucking thing to shut up - eff you, overactive brain!

Needless to say..   I'm rooted and I look and feel like any of the cast of 'The Living Dead' trilogy... except not quite as cool!

Anyways... I decide to pick me up I'll grab a coffee on the way home... MISTAKE!

Now I feel just as shitty... eyes bulging out of my head... bags galore and that ewww so greasy feeling. I'm also shaking like a leaf, eyes darting back and forth and have the nervous, anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach... yep!  All caused by, you guessed it, coffee!

Question is... If I know these feelings so well, why do I keep going back for more?


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Christmas is Fishy Business


I'm totally wearing pants here... although it doesn't look like it!  C'mon!  It's in the high 20s and humid as all eff!  Would you forgive me for getting around with my furburger out? 
Nah... She wears short shorts!


The last couple of years Micko and I vowed to not buy each other Christmas presents...  We were paying the mortgage and rent on top and thought we'd rather spend the money on other things.  As it turned out, we did end up buying presents... but didn't go all out and spend up big - we were fairly conservative.


This year we made the same pact.  However, somehow I've ended up with a big yellow kayak (not that I'm complaining... it's fucking saweeet) and Micko now has one too.  Then... last night, Micko comes home and announces, 'Karls, there's a Christmas present in the back of the ute for you.'  I drop everything and run out the front.


Hanging out the back is this MASSIVE fish!  I've always wanted to have one of those crazy fish hanging on my wall (like from some kind of weird eclectic restaurant - like Merlottes in True Blood) and Micko bloody found one!  It's been sitting in a mates garage for months waiting for him to pick it up.


Each and every holiday season (and for a good stretch of Jan) my work seriously dies in the arse.  Often I spend this time swimming and lying in my hammock with a good book - tough life I know, although it drives me crazy!  I'm not a relaxing type person... I like to be go, go, go.  So, if work is slow when I get back from Melbourne I'll have this massive wall fish to repair and work on.  Along with the mosaic I want to do on the table in the pergola thingy.  Niiiiiice!


My husband is totally rad!  Now I'm just fucked... He said not to get him anything (he got the Kayak as a gift from me) but I feel like I definitely should!  Thoughts?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'm practically famous


My Torano - mid to late 90s... Can you tell?  hahah  They all have that 'I'm so not interested look'.
 I wasn't going to post this shot, but it was the only one I could find of Smurfette at late notice.


Have you ever googled (yes the verb google, as in 'to google') your name?  Durh!  Of course you have!  You've probably, just as I have, googled your ex-boyfriends and arch enemies names too.  Go on!  Admit it... and if you haven't what are you thinking?


I've googled myself and pretty much everyone I know.  For the most part the things that pop up are totally unrelated to who they are.  In fact, some of the only people I've googled and had stuff that's actually about them surface has been myself and members of my own family - oh yeah!  We're totally famous!  Kind of like the Kardashians, but way more down to earth and possessing some amount of viable working brain cells.


If I google my name, around 18,600 results are displayed... but of course, not all of them are me.. some are just references that have both my first and last name scattered throughout the website, but not directly linked.  If I go to 'exact wording or phrase' I come up with 540 results... and from what I can tell, everyone of them is me!  


Mostly they are voice over related - thankfully zero pornoesque (however the more famous I become, the more the past will return to haunt - just kidding!  Well... there might be a few polaroids of my boobs from 10 years ago somewhere... but my face is totally cut off!  Oh and there was that one time I did that art nude shoot for one of my art school buddies - those were tasteful, but I'm sure there was a little nipple action and perhaps a little 70s bush peeping out but it was tasteful people... TASTEFUL!


So, I thought I'd previously blogged on this but it appears I haven't.  Okay.. totally need a sidetrack here:


It around the turn of the century... I'd been driving around my 'Smurf Mobile' (a '76 Torana... Aqua with a white roof) since I'd gotten my licence - it was a beautiful beast and super reliable (bit thirsty though).  the car was always piled up to the back seat with rubbish and as the radio didn't work, I'd melted 3 CD (boombox style) players by leaving them on the front bench seats (oh yeah, Smurfette fitted 6 lucky passengers in - including me).  Anyway... the boot used to play up a little - sometimes the key would open it, sometimes it would take time and patience and sometimes no amount of either time or patience would open the bastard.  


On one such occasion I'd gone camping with some girlfriends... the boot was full of all our camping gear and as we arrived and started the set up, old boot wouldn't budge.  After much frustration and a ridiculous amount of swearing, I took quick walk to the bottle-o to calm my nerves with a bevvy, I finally managed to click it open.  Thankfully we didn't end up sleeping outside!  However, the pack up was a different story... old trunk wasn't in a co-operative mood that day so my mates piled in with the tents, chairs, sleeping bags, esky's beside them, in between them and on top of them - I've still no idea how we squished it all in.


Shortly after I bought a new car and old Smurfette sat in the driveway... until it came time to bid her farewell.  A stock car racer bought her for sweet f'a (I think like $200).  I was devastated!  I could just imagine her being belt into by other cars... she should have gone out to pasture, not to a stock car racer.  The guy was stoked!  Smurfette was in great condition and he knew he'd just got himself the bargain of the century!


It wasn't until after the dude chucked old smurfette on his trailer, gave me the measly amount of cash, took off and was well out of sight, that I suddenly realised I still hadn't opened the boot.  Problem was... those arty, classy, nude shots of my minge and nips were still in there!  I took off up the street like a bullet out of a gun, but alas, he was long gone.  I had no way of contacting him either - he hadn't given me a phone number and as the car wasn't registered there was no paperwork.  


Ever since, I've had this mental image of old Smurfette at the stock car meet with a massive crowd of spectators.  
An old Gemini bangs up against her back end... the boot flies open and a hundred black and white nude pics of yours truly come flying out and floating gently back onto the track and into the crowd. 
 People look around at each other... some bend down to pick up the paper that has landed at their feet, while others start to catch them as they float back and forth through the gentle breeze.  Mother's cover their children's eyes in disgust.  The men look left, then right, then quickly fold the photo's and place them in their pocket for later.  The drivers stop their cars, start crawling around on their hands and knees picking up the photo's like they are hundred dollars notes scattered around.   No, it's not my imagination going wild, I'm sure that's exactly how it panned out!


Therefore, it's quite possible, that I'm not just google famous, but that I also have a strong underground fan base of stock car drivers.  If I ever cross that line into stardom... you can bet some lucky bastard will make a mint from Womans Weekly... Front cover - August 2015 - Karls Bares All  - and there, while you wipe your arse (isn't that the only place people read that shit?), will be my big 70s bush and hairy nipples staring you straight in the face!  You'll never look at me in quite the same way again!  

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Beach Exhibition


Beach pig Billy - check out those hooves!


Yesterday was stinking hot and humid... the kind of day where you get out of the shower, dry off and need to get back in cause you're wet with sweat and grease instantly.  Last night we had some crazy arsed storms!  Heaps of lightning, shitloads of thunder, squally (going horizontal) rain, wind and hail (yes hail!).  Today, consquently, is even more sticky!


Things are starting to wind down (hmmm... actually not starting, they have) so I've a little more time on my hands than usual.  Yesterday I even managed to spend 4 hours shopping in Coffs... picked up a (much needed) fan that I'd ordered in for the lounge room, bought my gorgeous little neice, Gidget, a very, very, super cute outfit for Chrissy... finished of my sis and possible sis-in-law presents and picked up Ned (my nephew) something he will LOVE!  So, that's Christmas all wrapped up (literally - I also bought 4 x 20m rolls of wrapping paper - I could wrap my whole fucking house I've so much of it).  I'm just waiting on a couple of things to arrive from the States (please postal service, be kind) and I'm done-diddely-done.  Yeehaw!


Anyways... took Billy for a walk on the beach today and went for a couple of swims... was very refreshing and exactly what I needed.  I notice a 4WD parked up at the headland, I also notice most people turn around when they reach there - but that's not unusal... most people only walk that far and back.  I reach the car, which is parked some distance up the beach with the door open, and notice more flesh than usual... kind of looks like someone giving a bj or effin the shit out of someone - I'm a little too far to see too well and I can't make out if it's two people or a solo Stan having some fun with his hand.  After looking that little bit too long (not that the person noticed)... I turn away... but glance back regularly to see if I can confirm my initial thought - someone's having sexy time in public.  I think to myself, 'No effin way.  Not possible.  Who would be that bold?' and keep walking.


I continue on for another half hour, take another dip and turn around.  As I come back round the headland, the car is still there, with the door open.  It becomes quite clear that there are two people and they were indeed naked before - they are now clothed, although the guys pants are around his ankles, I can see his arse clear as day, moving up and down, and it soon becomes bleedingly obvious that he is certainly banging this woman against the side of the car.  They take absolutely no notice of anyone walking past and continue on with their totally inappropriate pornoesque display.


As you would be aware, I'm not a big fan of public displays of affection... The older I get, the more prudish I become. Therefore a public shag is well out of the question (much to Micko's disappointment I'm sure).   These days I blush at a couple pashing in the street - totally weirds me out...  Sometimes I'm even freaked out if a dog gets his lipstick out. 


So, while I'm thinking this couple, should totally have gotten a room, I somehow find this public display facinating and found myself wondering who they were, how long they had been together, what made them decide to root in public, have I seen them before, are they on holidays, how can they be so unselfconcious... so many questions!  Made for an interesting walk... Not every day you come across some rampant exhibitionist blantantly rooting on the beach... eh! 


I'm soooo glad Billy didn't decide to go check them out... could have been totally embarrassing - more so for me I imagine!  Have you ever been witness to an out in the open porno sesh?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Finally Scrooge gets into the Xmas Spirit


Animal Cruelty?  Billy... Telling ya'll what he thinks of his human Mum.

Booboo waiting for Santa to come take this ridiculous hat off him... and perhaps leave him with some indestructable toys!

Champagne Revelation

This could have been a Memory Lane Monday... had I not lost my memory!


Lately, I've had a realisation that perhaps I drink a little too much.  Scrap that... I drink a little too much champagne.  It's not unusual - being it's more common that not - for me to polish off 2 bottles in one sitting.  This has to stop.  Especially when it's just me and Micko at home... I end up making drunken phone calls and leaving inappropriate facebook messages - me + technology + 2 bottles of bubbles = embarrassing mess. 

So, Friday night I had a quiet one.  I drank 4 mid strength beers, watched a couple of eps of True Blood (thanks Fe) and was in bed by 11pm.  Saturday morning I woke up at 7.30, sprung out of bed and Micko and I got to work.  We painted another coat on the stairwell, I scrubbed the kitchen and sunroom floors (on my hands and knees with a bottle of orange power and a scourer), cleaned the house from top to bottom, vac'd under and on the couch, walked Billy down the beach for an hour, had a swim, went kayaking for 2 hours, then headed down the club for dinner.  I've never gotten so much done on a Saturday! 

For dinner I had a yummy Thai dish or two followed by around 6 schooners of beer.  We then headed home to watch Sound Relief (a concert held for the bushfire victims of Black Saturday) and had a couple more beers... then Micko pulled out the bottle of bubbles, poured himself a glass and I, of course, finished off the bottle.  I then made some random phone calls and went to bed... tsk tsk!  Only to awake the following morning with that empty dull champa's headache with thoughts of 'who did I ring last night?' echoing through my brain.

When will I learn?  I'm imposing a ban on having champagne in the house from now on... unless we are entertaining a fellow bubbles pig.  I'm much better, and predictable, on beer!

Friday, December 11, 2009

Missing Meredith


Yes!  That man is wearing his birthday suit... Meredith Music Festival 2001


At this time each year, I'm usually sitting back in my camp chair, beer in one hand, ciggie in the other (it's one of those occassions when I do smoke - I know!  Dirty, dirty habit.)... the tent is set up, someone has their car door open with some tunes blaring and we are (quite possibly) playing a bit of alphabet (you know when you start by each saying a band, or movie, or animal, or food, or whatever, that starts with the letter 'a' and when someone comes up blank they have to drink... thus moving onto the next letter)... waiting for the bands to start.


My morning would have started super early... packing the tent (hopefully) the night before and heading off on the road by the crack of the sparrows arse (early... like dawn early).  I'd have pulled up behind a car (or 10) loaded up with their camping gear.  I'd pull my deck chair out, along with the esky and crack open a heart starter and a heart stopper (beer and cig) and wait... and wait... and wait. 


Of course, at some point I'd be needing a toilet break and although I'd pray not to need to do a number twos... I'd neeeed to do a number twos - that's my style!  And unfortunately in this situation it would have to be a bush poo - the worse kind!  I'd do my very best to find some scrub or bush to hide in.


Note:  If your lost in the bush (Bear Gryllis style) and don't know what the time is, rather than put a stick in the ground and wait for the sun to come out... just hang around and wait till I take a dump - clockwork, baby, clockwork!


The gates would open and we'd scour the bush camp for the best spot... leaving enough room for our mates behind us in the queue.. the set up would begin... along with the craziness.  What would follow would be a weekend of good company, live music, great food (ahhh hari hari... or roti madness), too much beer and other substances, dirt, dust... or mud, toilet time in the pine pit (actually nicer than the old porta loo's), strange conversations with people you've never met, filthy clothes, shoes, face and feet.


Ahhhhh!  Meredith... How I miss thee!

Kryptonite to Superman...

Things that gross me out to the point of physical and uncontrollable gagging...

Snot - any form - dried, runny, green, yellow or clear - throat gobbies are included in this category.

Shitty nappies - I can't believe you are immuned to the stench of a shitty nappy... go change the little fucker!  I once had a lady come into my shop (when I was working in retail) to buy a camera.  Toddler on her hip and a stench that was like wading through a roaring torrent of human faeces.  
She seemed completely oblivious as I talked photographics with her.  After 20 minutes, of holding back a projectile vomit, I politely told her I thought her kid had shat itself, there was a public restroom across at the pub and in the interest of our clientele she should make haste to go and change that child (with the devil in it's arse).

Eye Gak - If you, or your children, are suffering from Conjunktivitis - or as I like to call it 'Congaktivitis'... stay the fuck away!

PDA's - you public pashers make me sick... get a room , even if it's the public restroom variety!

Queue Jumpers -   Look love!  I've been standing at the deli about 10 minutes longer than you (why do the tickets always run out when I'm next - bring back the old, dirty, germ infested plastic square numbers and fuck the disposable paper dispenser variety!) yet when asked 'Who's next?', you jump in waving your arms about 'Me!  Me!'... then you won't look me in the eye because you know very well you just pushed in you arsehole!  Hope you're foot gets run over in the carpark!

Litterers -  Micko and took BIlly down the V-wall for a dusk walk last night... there was only a backpacker in a van and a couple of other cars spread out.  Right in the middle of the car park someone had dumped their rubbish from KFC.  Obviously the lazy bastards had been eating it in the car, opened the door and dropped it out before taking off.  Dirty bastards!  The bin was not 10 metres away... and even if there wasn't one, for fucks sake take it with you!  You DISGUST me!  Just as much as ciggie butt flickers or those that smoke on the beach and bury their butts in the sand! 

Ahhhhhh!  That feels better!

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Kayaking Karls

My river...

I know you've been checking back every five minutes or so to see if I've posted about my surprise yet...  You are sitting a little too close to the computer screen rocking too and fro while biting your nails - take those fingers out of your mouth now girl!  Don't you know how gross that is?

Well... I'm about to put you outta your misery!

Drum roll please.....

Micko tied me to the close line... whipped me with the hose for a bit.  Then he soaped up the slip 'n' slide and made me try running up the hill it was on, while holding a slice of Mars Bar Cheesecake in one hand and squirting me with a fire hose with the other.

Nah... just kidding!

Micko bought me a new kayak!  Wooooooot!  I'd kind of hoped he would, but didn't want to get my hopes up.  If it was a drive out to a waterfall for a swim I'd have been equally happy - it's totally the thought that counts. Pfffft!  As if!   He totally should have been thinking Kayak - all along!

No shots of me in my new best friend yet... perhaps on the weekend!  Although I did take it out last night for a test run and I love, love, love it!  We are going to have some great times together, me and Kayak.  I'm not quite sure how I lived without her.  

Micko was so jealous of my new love, he has gone to pick himself up another one today.   We can spend hours floating along the river on the weekend and evening... Incidental exercise - loving it!  

Now all we need to do is get ourselves something for the Bill to travel in and life will be perfecto!

Now this... is a great idea!  I'm going to look into this asap!


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Surprise Wednesday


The river at the end of my old street in Brunswick Heads - how I miss thee!


Micko rang me this morning to tell me he has a surprise install for me this arvo... He said to make sure I've been to the gym, walked the dog, gotten my work out of the way and anything else I need to do done before he gets home... and to be wearing my swimmers!  


I hung up... all excited and then boom!  I had one big concern.... I had to text Micko straight away!


"Wear my swimmers like trim up bitch there will others around who think your koala ears are fucked up and in no way cute (or patriarchal)?  Or wear your swimmers, I don't mind a bit of prickle you can see if your up close and look really hard?"


To which he replied...


"Just get ready for some water based activity.  Just you and me having some fun in shorts and singlets"


Ooooooo!  What on earth could it be?  Are we going to a waterfall?  Did he steal a jetski?  Is he going to tie me to the washing line as I run around and he whips me with the hose?  Are we going snorkelling?  Diving?  Out on a boat?  Are we going to a waterslide?  Is he going to put me in the back of his ute while he drives through a car wash? Or like one of my mates suggest on facebook... Two words - Golden Shower?  Did he find a second hand canoe or kayak?  Oh man!  I think my brain is going to explode from all the crazy, excited thoughts running through it!


I'd best go and get my shit together... Gotta walk the dog... go for a swim... have some lunch... do some work... and attend to the totally inappropriate koala ears, hippy-esque arm pit hair and legs like my old female Phys Ed teacher who had a mustache and cross eyes!  That could take me some time!


Until tomorrow my friends... when I put you out of your misery (or is it my misery)

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Worst Gift EVER


So I was doing the old blog hop and I came across one helluva funny mofo, at Steam me up, kid.

The post was about the worst gift you've ever received and it got me to thinkin'...  Hands down, without a second thought, Valentines Day somewhere in the mid to late 90s, springs to mind - it was such a forgettable gift, it seems I've forgotten the year - unfortunately not the gift.  I dated this guy, 'late 90s' (as he will be referred from here on in) for longer than I should have (no offence if you're reading this... but we both know that's true).  It should have ended on that fateful Valentines... but being a sucker for punishment, I stuck it out until I could stick it out no longer.  

I'm a big gift buyer... not big in terms of monetary value, but big in terms of thought.  Micko is the same... We often store up idea's in the brain bank from throughout the year and when it comes to Christmas or Birthday's we get something that the other really wanted (often had forgotten about) and surprise the shit out of each other.  That's just one of Micko's many endearing qualities - he puts a lot of thought into everything he does.

Late 90s was certainly no Micko!  And on this particular Valentines Day, me and 'late 90s' had been going through a rough patch - I think... I also am not too sure because the whole relationship was a rough patch and for the most part I think I've blocked it out.   

Anyways... I can't recall what I bought late 90s, but I'm sure it was fucking awesome!  He then reluctantly, sulkily, handed over his gift - not because he felt bad that his present was soooo shit, just because throughout our entire relationship, that was his persona (I'm sure it was just our relationship that made him that way and I'm sure he is much happier person these days).   

It was a card... something weird on the front (I can't quite recall what - perhaps an animal of some kind) and inside was blank... blank with a couple of stickers stuck in it, a red triangle, a blue square, a green circle and a yellow octagon.  There was nothing written in the card... not a single word.  Then he handle me a mini bottle of Midori (you know the tiny little bottles you find in a mini bar)... problem was, I hated Midori!  And he should have known that!


You know... If he's just given me the card and written something sweet in it, I'd have been really stoked. The gift aspect wasn't what I was looking for (and certainly not that fucking disgusting melon flavoured wannabe alcoholic cordial called 'Midori'!  The card alone would have been more than enough!

Surely he knew I was a beer drinker!  I'm sure he'd never seen me drink anything but beer.  It got me to thinkin', how much attention does late 90s actually pay to me.  So shortly after the card/midori episode I covered my eyes and asked 'What colour are my eyes?'  To which he sat silently for a minute contemplating... then said 'Brown?'    

Ummmmm... WRONG ARSEHOLE!  My eyes are blue!  Blue as the day I was born - about as far removed from brown as you can get.  Like I said before, I should have ended it there and then.... The me, here today, doesn't even recognise the pansy bitch I used to be.  That girl is someone who put up with way more shit than I ever could (now) and she is definitely worth another blog entry.  I'm just not sure I'm quite ready to open those drawers in my mind... just yet!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Billy and the Blue Bottle Kiss...

This arvo, I went to the beach for Billy's daily walk.  I went to get Billy out of the car and realised I hadn't put his collar on.  I considered turning around, going home, getting the collar and coming back, but I thought 'nah fuck it'... Bill jumped out of the car and we started down the beach.

There were a couple of car tracks on the beach... as I've mentioned before Billy likes to sniff the trail.  So, he was walking 50 metres or so towards the dunes from where I was - wading through the water at ankle height.  He dropped his ball (which he proudly parades around in his mouth and drops when he feels like having me throw it - oh yeah, I'm a slave to the furry baby).  I walked toward him to grab the ball and as I did he picked up something with his mouth.  I thought it must have been a dead fish... so I yelled 'drop it'... and for once, he actually dropped it.  As it feel from his mouth I felt the pit of my stomach tie up in a big fat knot...

Billy had his first 'Blue Bottle Kiss' and I'm not talking about the cool 90s indie band...


 The wind blows them into the shallow waters and up onto the shore over the summer months...  The little bastards will still sting even when dead.... and it's NASTY!  Thankfully not life threatening... but super painful!  And my poor Billbo had been stung... in his mouth! 

He ran down the beach to me, looking at me while meekly while swallowing deeply.  Then he vomited up a saliva spew... sat down for a minute while doing the pre-vomit (his body uncontrollably convulsing back and forth) before hurling up his breakfast.  We turned around to head back and he seemed fine, other than obsessively licking his lips, slowing down every couple of minutes while his head shot forward and back like a chicken (I know that feeling all too well).

Finally, with my heart racing, we got back to the car.  I filled an ice cream container with fresh cold water nd my little man began to drink and drink and drink!  Poor little Bill was salivating like me each and every time I visit a better than good retro/vintage furnishing store.  His tongue hanging out - very red - and dripping with saliva.  A quick stop at the Vet confirmed my thoughts... Cold water and lots of it.  I also gave him some watered down milk with ice blocks as a little treat.

He is much better now and back to his happy, panting (but not dripping saliva) self.  Poor baby Bill!  Hopefully he has learnt his lesson... but some how, I don't think will be his last Blue Bottle Kiss!


Memory Lane Monday - Phillip Island


Some days when I walk on the beach, often I'm reminded of my childhood.  Holidaying (pretty much every other weekend or school break) at my Nanna and Granddad's place at Phillip Island.  


I'm not sure if it's the smell of the beach (how would you explain that smell - and when I say 'beach smell' I'm not really referring to a fishy or seaweed smell - I'm thinking more along the lines of that fresh, summer smell of sand, surf and sun) but on certain days it's like a taking a trip back in time and the vibrant memories come flooding back.


These were the good ol' days...  Life was simple.  The biggest worry you had was whether Nan would give you a handful of lollies from the orange sliding lid container (racing cars, red frogs, snakes alive. strawberries and cream - you know... the good stuff!) which she kept in the 'medicine cabinet' - a sideboard that she kept her wine and brandy in (her medicine) - a nip before bed each night.   


Instead of watching TV (I know there was one there but we really only watched Young Talent Time on it) my cousin and I would draw pictures on cardboard (mainly seaside themes) and try to sell them to the neighbours... The ones across the road were, incredibly, called Arthur and Martha Hindgarther - true story, poor old souls!  


My brothers and I would chase skinks, lifting up rocks then quickly cupping our hands over the little lizards and chucking them in a bucket (with grass, twigs, dead flies and a lid full of water).  Some would drop there tails in fear, other would happily run around in the bucket until we let them go.  


Every day Mum would pack us up in the car - no seat belts, or air con for that matter!  We'd have the seats flattened in the back of the station wagon and piled in there would be me, my brothers and some cousins along with our towels, bathers, sunscreen, hats, cricket set, buckets and shovels... Mum (she was young and way cool) would have Eurythmics cranking and we'd all be singing along to 'Thorn in My Side' or 'Missionary Man'.   Once at the beach, my brothers and I would chase crabs in a similar fashion to our skink catching episodes - although it was a matter of picking the crabs up so their claws would nip us.


In the backyard, in a tree, lived a Koala.  He was there all the time... definitely had set up his position and was staying put!  Granddad actually picked him up on a few occassions (I still can't believe he did that - now more so than in those days) while Mum and Nanna looked on in horror.  Old Koala would crawl around in the backyard and when he decided to wander, we were to stay well away.  Most of the time, he'd be found sitting up in the gum around the side of the house, eating his eucalypt leaves or sleeping... mostly he was sleeping!


There was this place, that I'd try to make Mum take me to every time, we used to call it the Shell House. The fence was made of shells, along with the path and a few bird baths and things in the front yard.  They sold all kinds of shells and ornaments - beachy theme stuff.  I think they might have closed it down, or destroyed it because I can't find any info or pics (if anyone knows what I'm talking about - help me out here).


It's this last memory that pops into my head more often than the others... the house made of sea shells - a dream come true for this little princess - it was magical and I'd always dreamed it would be my castle one day.  I recently bought a man made out of Cowry Shells, with a hat and a ciggie hanging out of his mouth, just because it reminded me of those days.  Tacky, but totally cool (well in my book anyway).  He reminds me that while sometimes I feel like a fish out of water, I am home.  I'm living by the sea (exactly as I always wanted to), soaking up the sights, sounds and scents that comfort me when I feel alone.  They take me back to a time when I was young, happy, free and surrounded by love...
and remind me that not a lot has changed...
I might have a mortgage, bills to pay, and more than just lollies on my mind... but I am still all of those things... Young, happy, free and surrounded by love.



Thank you Mr Cowry (you might be missing a nose, but you are my kind of man)...

Friday, December 4, 2009

Friends Friday - I mean, Family Friday...

Children in my life is a relatively new concept.  The first I was re-introduced to little people was my now niece, Piper.  I met her on Micko and my first date (Dave and Krabes wedding)... She was around 18 months old, bald as a badger and proudly pushing her own stroller along.


Ned was to follow... then the surprise arrival of the little bundle of joy that is Gidget.  And now, I'm a proud aunt of 3 of the best looking little fanta pants you ever did see!


Jack (my brother-in-law) has recently started shooting professionally.  His work with children is incredible - in fact, his photographs all round are not just technically fantastic but visually awe inspiring!  And just to show off how adorable my little relatives are... Here is some of Jack's handy work:


First came the lovely Piper...  Now 7 years old - freaks me out that she's not in nappies, stringing a couple of words together...





And Ned followed a couple of years later - he looks like an angel...  Now 5 and heading off to big boys school next year - it seems like just yesterday we were sitting around Jude's dining table, Lu with her chair pushed right back to make way for her watermelon of a belly.



And the happy, delightful Gidget...  Wow how time flies!



Granted, Lu took this one... 4 in the bed and the little one said... 
This is just so adorable I couldn't help myself!  One of the times I like children the most - when they are sleeping!



Gidget recently celebrated her 1st birthday and Micko and I picked her up an adorable little dress for summer.  Jack emailed this through this morning...

I'm thinking perhaps I want kids just so I can give them cool names, dress them in rad outfits and play games.  What?  You say it's more work than that?  Huh, well forget it!  I'll just take the cuddles I can steal on visits thanks very much!  Oh and of course buy them presents!


Check Jack's work out here:  
If you're anywhere from the NSW North Coast to north of Brisbane... give him a go!  You know what they say... blink and you'll miss it!  And looking at these pics... I'm glad Jack's philosophy seems to be  'click or you'll miss it'.  



Bogan Style

Now, I'm not quite sure if it's because I live in a bogan town (for those unfamiliar with a bogan - I guess you'd call them rednecks?) or if hair fashion has taken a step back in time... but what is with the long at the back short on top - extreme mullets I'm seeing young (below 25) males sporting?  Ewwwwww!  Brings back memories of the boy in your class that had ADHD before ADHD became a an excuse for any child with a bad diet and bad behavoir (I know there are exceptions people so don't come at me like a bull at a gate).  He was kid that had no friends, was so naughty he spent little time in class and the times that he was in class he was constantly trying to look up my skirt or swearing.


So, let me break it down for ya fellas:  It's kind of like the person started shaving their heads at the top, but once the got round to the last part at the bottom, someone chucked on a Nickleback album and cracked open a bottle of Bundy Rum so bogan boy got distracted and then was too lazy (or fucked up) to finish the job he started.  I think you could base a whole series on bad haircuts... call it When Good Hair Cuts Turn Bad III.   My unfortunate 'frullet' would have to feature - if only I had a pic to show... but you can read about my devastating experience here.


I searched and search for an image, but I couldn't find a great representation of the Aussie Extreme Mullet... in fact the only thing I could find anything remotely close was this fuckwit...



And it's still not even half close to what I'm trying to show... So, until I managed to hunt one bogan bundy drinking freak of nature down and sneak a pic, I'm going to have one last go at trying to show you what it is truly like...


Think Liz from Degrassi...





Then... think scalping her and turning the hair exactly 180 degrees...
That my friends, is the Aussie Extreme Mullet.


So please, please tell me the outbreak has been contained to the bogans of the North Coast of NSW?  Please?  And if you are familiar with this rat shit hair style, does it come with a name?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Micko's adventure


Yesterday, Micko called me around 8am, all excited, to tell me he was going to be spending a few hours in a helicopter flying around the Mid North Coast.  Granted, it was a work exercise - he had to GPS some of the stormwater and flood clean up stuff (I know sweet f'a about it but I think that's the rough idea).


I was spewing he didn't have the camera - as I said yesterday, little angel Monty is a plane and 'copter freak!  We spent hours watching planes on youtube and luckily I had a copy of Valiant (the story of a pidgeon who is dressed like a pilot trying to save the world - or something like that - I don't actually watch the movies, just have them there for when kids come round) that kept him entralled.  If Micko had been last week, we would have had hours of stories and pictures to keep Monty occupied.


Micko came home from work and told me allllll about it.  He loved the experience and managed to take a few pics on his phone - quality not the best, but hey beggers can't be choosers (and hell, he did just go on a free helicopter ride).



Micko looks like his shitting himself... there's a million videos he took where he is sporting the very same face, he says he was trying to smile.  Must have been the massive G Force - haha

A woman at the helm.

Prime farming land

The hinterland

A quarry... the water looks good enough to swim in! 

Looking out to the ocean from the hinterland... over a quarry.

Negative Nancy - the follow up


Soooo, I had a mixed response to yesterdays Negative Nancy rant.  It seems the green I see, is certainly different to the green you see... and I love that!  The ability to see something from another perspective is awesome.  For the most part, I try to do that in my general life - the old sayings 'until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes' or 'try to put yourself in their shoes' - not sure why they are all based on shoes (I get why... did that concept exist before we all became shoe toting freaks?)


Some said I was warranted in the way I felt... Some thought I was a little selfish (granted... I certainly possess a little selfishness - and I think a little selfishness is a good thing)... Some thought I should give Nanc another go... and one thought it was a reflection on myself.


This last one made me think... It came from an anonymous so I have no idea who you are, but you did make me think.  I'm more than familiar with the concept that the things we don't like in others is simply a reflection of a quality we ourselves posess.  In fact, I'm well versed in this idea and spoke about it here.    Like I've said to the point of exhaustion before, life is all about perspective.  And I thought to myself, why am I seeing this negativity - and more importantly why is it hitting a nerve now.  Perhaps she was always like this and I've only recently started to see it.  Well, that's probably quite true. 


As you know, I've had a tough time lately.  I've been feeling isolated, I lost one of the most important people in my life and I miss my family and life in a busier town - be it Byron or Melbourne.  So, perhaps I am, myself, a bit of a Negative Nancy at the mome.  In fact, if I delve even deeper...


Yesterday, the blog I started writing wasn't the blog I ended up with.  It was based around perspective... My perspective of Nambucca.  The basis was this:


I'd been seeing the 'Buccs in totally the wrong light.  I'd been focused on the negative aspects, instead of the positive.  From the 'monetary value' not the 'lifestyle advantages' angle.  Here I was seeing a backwards town... where the best view in town was from the Woolies car park... where there is a big problem with alcohol abuse but another bottle-o approved by council (that will make 5 in a town of around 10,000).  What I wasn't seeing was the potential I used to see. 


The pristine beaches, the rainforest, the climate, the seclusion, the small town feel...  the cheap as chips real estate.  Sporting a tan in winter, being able to afford to live the good life thanks to a smaller than average mortgage but a nicer than average backyard.  The things that make where I live an absolute undiscovered gold mine...


But it needs to be more than that.  I can't spend the next 5-10 years waiting for the boom, I've got enjoy where I live (love where I live) whether a boom happens, or doesn't... and that's what I'm working on now.  I didn't move here to make a quick buck, I moved here because I fell in love.  So, it was that blog (which I ended up going down a completely different track from) that led me to the Nanc post.  A definite side track!


Looks like I've got some shit to work on... but a big thanks for those who helped me put things into perspective (could that be taking over from kick arse or muthafucka as my number one overused word?)
That's the greatest thing about living... every second you are on this earth you are constantly learning... and for me, well I'm well on the quest to becoming a better person - thanks to everyone in my life.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Negative Nancy - Pet Hates





Glass half full?  Or half empty?


As you'd probably already be aware, I'm a big believer in perception... meaning that everything in life is coloured the way you perceive it to be.  Green is only green if you think it's green and who knows if the green I see is the same as the green you see?   And when I say perception I'm guess I also need to mention perspective!  I'm a big fan of putting things into perspective... things can always be much worse than they are.  A silver lining can be found in most shit things in life.

I have a friend who becomes more and more negative the older she becomes.  She can find something bad in everything, has some real trust issues and tends to bring up every shit thing thats happened to the people around her whenever we talk.  This is having a massively negative effect on her day to day life.  She expects shit, therefore gets shit...  and I guess, also thinks she deserves shit - otherwise she wouldn't be expecting it, nor getting it.  It's also having a negative effect on the people around her.  People are starting to become reluctant to hang out with her... the last thing you need is to be brought down each and every time you talk to someone.

For example, recently I got so busy with work, I had to put on an editor.  I tried to find someone local but had no luck, so I got on odesk and found a great guy to help out.  He is the bomb!  And truly is a god send (or whatev the agnostic version of god send is).  He recently took on a great deal of responsibility handling everything while I was in Melbourne for Nanna's funeral.  It was a relief to know my business was in capable and trustworthy hands.

Her response?   'Karls, you are so trusting.  I don't know how you could trust that he wouldn't try to rip you off.  He is overseas after all... and the internet, I just don't trust it at all!'

My response, 'Well, that's the difference between you and me.  I put my faith in humanity and in life and  I've never really had it back fire in my face.'

Harsh?  Well, I guess so...  and before I go any further, you may be thinking that I have lead a blessed life where I've been sheltered from shit and have known only happiness... To that I say a big fat bullshit!   While I've copped my fair share of crap and had some pretty shitty things happen to me, I'm not going to let these things define who I am and how I live.  The shit is probably why I'm well equipped to deal with what life dishes out..  I don't like to dwell -  I do like to deal with things  - don't worry I'm not in denial.  I take responsibility for the role I've played in all of life's crap and by moving on, I take back my power.


I think I've probably mentioned this before, but of my pet hates are 'what if' people.  I'm not saying I go out like a bull at a gate and don't think over my decisions... I do!  I carefully weigh up the pro's and con's and if I think it's a risk worth taking... I go for it!  And most importantly I leave the negativity at the door. 


 Seriously, what is the worst that could happen?  And if you fall off the horse, aren't you supposed to jump straight back on?   Isn't something good sometimes worth taking a risk for?


If a friendship is draining more energy than it's providing... when is the time to move on?  Just because you've been friends for 20 years, does that mean you must remain friends for the rest of your life?  Why do you feel so bad when you outgrow people?  The answers, I'm quite sure I already know but I still find it really hard to let go.  Especially when they really haven't done wrong by you... you've both changed and gone in different directions.


Now, I'm about to totally contradict myself... I've just had a brain explosion and I'm in two minds about this... Does a Negative Nancy bring some reason to my generally optimistic persona (are they providing me with some form of perspective?)


People come in and out of your life all the time... but some are harder to say goodbye to - is it the length of time you've spent or the times you've been through together?  Whatever the reasons... Girl break ups suck arse!  


I guess it all boils down to one big question... Should I hang onto the Negative Nancy's in my life, or give them the dick?


Da weekend recap


Super old photo of Monty about a week old... 


Like I mentioned yesterday and Friday, we had Dave and Krabes and their 2 little angels come to stay.  Yesterday I posted about the peace and quiet, but what I didn't mention was that their kidlets are delightful!  They might be talkative, but they are also very well behaved, happy, well adjusted and adorable children.  It's a real shame I didn't take any pics cause I'd have love to show just how adorable these kids are. 


Monty has always been one of my absolute favourite children.  His is tiny, has a very high pitched voice and starts every sentence with 'Excuse me Micko' (Micko is his HERO).  He's obsessed with planes and helicopters and has been since before he could say 'plane'.   Youtube was a god send and Monty now wants a 'puter'.. of course we avoided any clip that included the word 'accident'.   Harvey is a charmer... a eyelash fluttering, bubbly, happy, smiley, cute faced charmer.


As we are one of those evil, childless couples that isn't fulfilled (how can we be when we don't have children) we always buy presents when little ones come to stay.  We bought Monty a remote controlled helicopter and for Harv's a soccer ball that flashes lights.  They were a hit!  I also bought a couple of smiley face cupcakes which Monty asked for around 3 million times... Cheeky bugger even opened the fridge to see if he could find them.  The kids were happy... and Krabes and Dave where happy - and that's the main thing.  They had had a hard few days down in Sydney and a loooong drive to our place, so we wanted to make sure they could relax and unwind.


Micko got to work on the Saturday baking a Roast Pork (Micko style) and I made a crispy noodle salad and a potato salad.  It was fucking stinking hot and having the oven on for 2 hours might have been a bit of a dumb idea - in hindsight.  We stocked the eskies with XXXX Summer Lager (my new favourite brewski), a few bottles of Sav Blanc and a couple of Champa's and we were ready to go.


The kids went to bed and we went to work polishing off the excess amount of grog... hitting the sack, very tired and a little worse for wear at around 3am.  The saying: "Early to bed (in the morning), early to rise, makes you hungover as hell, tired as all fuck and stinging for a couple of meat pies" certainly rang true!


We spent the day swimming in the river, at the V-wall tavern for a bowl of chips, a lovely arvo nap and dinner at the club.  Last time we went to the club for dinner, we won 5 meat trays and Monty was sooooo excited!  Each time one of our numbers came up, he'd jump up and down yelling 'we won!  we won!', then run through the dining room with his hands waving above his head.  He was stoked and the people enjoying their dinner all got a good laugh!  


So, Sunday night we entered the raffles again.  This time we had no luck and Monty was devastated.  We tried to explain that sometimes you win and sometimes you lose and he started crying.  
Was it my lack of tact, or just no understanding of how children think?   Just when we were explaining, it's only meat - not something cool like toys, they announced a ham raffle... we had to buy tickets!  And, thank fuck, we won the 2nd last ham!  Great weekend all round... and the best part was the Marshmallow and Chocolate Cheesecake I had for dessert!  Mmmmmm Mmmmmm orgasmic!


I guess my point is... although they are noisy and sometimes relentless...  Children can also be charming and delightful... 
when they are someone elses!

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