Negative Nancy - Pet Hates

Glass half full?  Or half empty?


As you'd probably already be aware, I'm a big believer in perception... meaning that everything in life is coloured the way you perceive it to be.  Green is only green if you think it's green and who knows if the green I see is the same as the green you see?   And when I say perception I'm guess I also need to mention perspective!  I'm a big fan of putting things into perspective... things can always be much worse than they are.  A silver lining can be found in most shit things in life.

I have a friend who becomes more and more negative the older she becomes.  She can find something bad in everything, has some real trust issues and tends to bring up every shit thing thats happened to the people around her whenever we talk.  This is having a massively negative effect on her day to day life.  She expects shit, therefore gets shit...  and I guess, also thinks she deserves shit - otherwise she wouldn't be expecting it, nor getting it.  It's also having a negative effect on the people around her.  People are starting to become reluctant to hang out with her... the last thing you need is to be brought down each and every time you talk to someone.

For example, recently I got so busy with work, I had to put on an editor.  I tried to find someone local but had no luck, so I got on odesk and found a great guy to help out.  He is the bomb!  And truly is a god send (or whatev the agnostic version of god send is).  He recently took on a great deal of responsibility handling everything while I was in Melbourne for Nanna's funeral.  It was a relief to know my business was in capable and trustworthy hands.

Her response?   'Karls, you are so trusting.  I don't know how you could trust that he wouldn't try to rip you off.  He is overseas after all... and the internet, I just don't trust it at all!'

My response, 'Well, that's the difference between you and me.  I put my faith in humanity and in life and  I've never really had it back fire in my face.'

Harsh?  Well, I guess so...  and before I go any further, you may be thinking that I have lead a blessed life where I've been sheltered from shit and have known only happiness... To that I say a big fat bullshit!   While I've copped my fair share of crap and had some pretty shitty things happen to me, I'm not going to let these things define who I am and how I live.  The shit is probably why I'm well equipped to deal with what life dishes out..  I don't like to dwell -  I do like to deal with things  - don't worry I'm not in denial.  I take responsibility for the role I've played in all of life's crap and by moving on, I take back my power.


I think I've probably mentioned this before, but of my pet hates are 'what if' people.  I'm not saying I go out like a bull at a gate and don't think over my decisions... I do!  I carefully weigh up the pro's and con's and if I think it's a risk worth taking... I go for it!  And most importantly I leave the negativity at the door. 


 Seriously, what is the worst that could happen?  And if you fall off the horse, aren't you supposed to jump straight back on?   Isn't something good sometimes worth taking a risk for?


If a friendship is draining more energy than it's providing... when is the time to move on?  Just because you've been friends for 20 years, does that mean you must remain friends for the rest of your life?  Why do you feel so bad when you outgrow people?  The answers, I'm quite sure I already know but I still find it really hard to let go.  Especially when they really haven't done wrong by you... you've both changed and gone in different directions.


Now, I'm about to totally contradict myself... I've just had a brain explosion and I'm in two minds about this... Does a Negative Nancy bring some reason to my generally optimistic persona (are they providing me with some form of perspective?)


People come in and out of your life all the time... but some are harder to say goodbye to - is it the length of time you've spent or the times you've been through together?  Whatever the reasons... Girl break ups suck arse!  


I guess it all boils down to one big question... Should I hang onto the Negative Nancy's in my life, or give them the dick?

Baby Blues...

This blog has been quite hard for me to write... It's the 'serious' side of me that rarely gets to rear her head.  Firstly, I'd like to stress that the following is no reflection on anyone, but myself.  Okay... deep breath... lets go!


I caught up with some girlfriends for dinner on Friday night... Two already have children and one, Sam, is newly pregnant.



I'm totally stoked for Sammy... and I know the little jellybean (actually it's more like a baby now - with a massive penis?) will have more love and happiness in his/her life than he/she could ever hope for.  I also know that it's not the last time Sammy and I will throw back a few coldies down the Suffo!   I guess Sam and I have quite a bit in common... We both love what we do and have focused a lot of our time and energy on it... We're honest and open people and have some great discussions plus we have similar idea's on parenting - I can already hear all the mother's out there saying it's easy to have ideas but putting them into practice is another story.   


Sam was my drinking and smoking buddy... She was one of the few that didn't have kids, so we related to the shit a married childless woman cops on a daily basis.  In fact, she was so sick of people constantly asking 'when are you gonna have a baby', she'd worked out the perfect response... 'when Bruce stopped f-ing me in the arse!'  That one always worked a treat!


That night, the four of us had a great meal, a few laughs and shared a couple of bottles of wine (actually I should correct myself here and say for the most part, there was little 'sharing' of the wine - it was primarily downed by yours truly).


Through no fault of my 'with child' girlfriends, after I'd gotten home and gone to bed, I started to feel pretty isolated, inadequate and for probably the first time in my life a little immature.  I've always been the 'good times' girl... often overindulging in social situations.  Although, I've never woken up the next morning and thought, I probably looked like a real dickhead last night.  Truth be told, I wasn't that inebriated... I was certainly tipsy though.  Even when truly drunk I maintain a certain self control and I was far from slurring and falling over.


So, yesterday I told you I'm not an over thinker... And 99.5% of the time I'm not.  I should also explain again that it wasn't anything that my girlfriends said or did, so I'm positive this feeling, was all in my mind.  I'm pretty full of self confidence  - by that I mean, I know who I am... my strengths and my faults so when either are pointed out I'm totally okay with it (body issues are a different case altogether - call me fat and feel the wrath).   The thing I guess that caught me off guard was this feeling of being beneath people... It's kind of a new feeling for me and I didn't like it one bit!


Then last night, as I was continuing through the ongoing saga of reading Shantaram (fab book, awesome writer but fuck it's so big it hurts my arms to hold it up), and I came across a passage that sums up the experience completely...


The main character is living in the slums of Bombay and the girl he is in love with but hasn't seen, for sake of his pride, the entire time he has inhabited his dirty little square in poor mans land, has dropped by for a visit.  He feels her looking at his 'hut' and the few possessions he has and for the first time he sees them in her eyes.  He feels a little resentment and shame... the things he had been so thankful for, no longer had their glow.  Then he realises that 'wanting my house to be bigger or brighter or grander than it was had been in my mind, not hers.  She wasn't judging.'


Which brings me to what it was that I thought they were seeing...  I thought that my mates had 'outgrown' me... That I was relegated to 'drunken Karls',  that I needed to grow up and get my priorities straight and lastly, that I had become a second class citizen because I don't have a child.  Of course, it was all in my mind (well I fucken well hope so, cause if it's not that case consider yourself friendship dumped).  But, at the time while I thought I was seeing them, seeing me full of faults... It wasn't actually their judgement I saw, but my own.  Make sense?


Yesterday, I talked about things going over my head... But, I think it's actually more than that.  I think because I do know myself well, I don't notice or question the passing comments people might make.  They generally roll off like water off a ducks back.  Sometimes, I think, when you do notice yourself analysing something that someone has said, you should stop and put some thought into your thought process - are you reacting with self doubt?  Perhaps its an area in which your confidence could use a boost?  If it's struck a nerve, I believe there's always a reason why.  The main point I'm trying to make is that (most of the time - and there are always exceptions to the rule) it's not them... it's you!


So, although there was nothing 'said' to me, I still had this niggling feeling... I came home and couldn't sleep... my mind was working overtime.  Eventually I cried myself to sleep.


On the way home Sunday, Micko asked what had upset me on Friday night.  He said, 'Do you want to have a baby?  Is that it?', I started crying again... and replied, 'No... that's just the problem.'


And for me... that's my achilles heel.  Right now, I'm so not interested in having children, but I feel myself kind of shutting down around those that do - due to my own insecurities... What are these insecurities, you ask.  Well, I guess I can put it down to this... Does not wanting my own children, not now and quite possibly not ever, make me a bad person?  Does it make me any lesser person than those that do?   Do those with kids think that I'm completely selfish?    Does it mean that eventually there will be a great divide between my friends and I?


Of course, the answer is a big fat NO... at least I hope it is!  So, rather than let these thoughts take over my mind creating more self doubt and further unnecessary tears, I'll just keep affirming to myself that it's okay to want the life I have... and I'll fake it, till I make it!  Either that, or I'll succumb to peer pressure, change my mind and get knocked up.  Joking!  Joking!  


I'm not writing off having kids forever... They are just not right for me right now... So take this as a warning, and don't approach the subject anytime soon - you might cop an earful and an arse fucking response (well, Sammy has no use for that comment anymore, so I think I might just be stealing it - thanks hot mama).

Premature greying

At age 16, I discovered my first grey (actually it was my hairdresser that made the aforementioned discovery and then choose to impart that info onto me - a self concious, innocent, blissfully unaware 16 year old)... it's been a slow and steady decline into premature old age since.


My father was grey in his early 20s... He 'Just for Men'd' it up until he was well into his 30s when his mustache became a dead give away - but that was the 80s way.  I figure it's heredity and as I've had the same amount of years being a natural brunette as I have a natural grey, I've come to deal with the harsh hand I was dealt.  (Please note - don't worry, I realised I've not been dealt a harsh hand, just a lack of melanin production)


These days I look at it this way... If blondes go more than a few weeks without a trip to the hairdresser (or a blonde in a bottle fix in the bathroom) their lovely blonde locks, turn bogany and trashy as the true colour comes through... Well, I'm in a similar situation, yet it's not my 'true colour' that comes through - just my premature old age.


So, tomorrow I'll book in for a hair cut - I've got a wedding this weekend and need a cut badly...  And, as the grey hairs are on the attack and making some serious headway (literally), today I'll defend my youthful glow with my weapon of choice - Loreal 1.0 black - because I'm (totally) worth it!  

Growing up!

One of my worst fears, is the fear of growing up. I've tried to delay the inevitable as much as possible but I feel it slowly creeping in like a scene out of 'The Grudge'. Everyday I notice another grey hair or wrinkle that surely wasn't there the day before. My face used to have skin like a babies bum, it's now slowly sagging and strangely discolouring!

But it's not just the superficial that's aging... I feel like my personality is also aging. A feeling I'm totally not used to - I think I've heard it refered to as maturing (the pleasant way of saying you're getting boring).

Why just the other day I was doing some loads of washing after having some visitors stay a few nights. While folding the bedding I suddenly thought to myself - "I'm a master at folding the fitted sheet"! When exactly was it that I stopped scrunching it up into a ball and shoving it in above the roughly folded doona cover? It couldn't have been too long ago. I remember opening my cupboard at Barwon Heads and having the balls of fitted sheets on the verge of bursting out each and everytime.

Over the past couple of years (mainly during my time in Vic - 'cause my house in Byron and Brunswick Heads were occassionally 'surface' clean) I've certainly lifted my game in the cleanliness stakes! These days I rarely have a day when I wouldn't be ashamed of the state of my house... I could even happily have people just drop in! In the past, you'd have to give me a weeks notice so I could get the mammoth pile of clean, but unfolded clothes off the floor in most rooms.

I remember the days when I'd sweep or vacumn once a year!
When I'd go out each and every Friday and Saturday night...
When I ate take away, sang frequently and danced every single weekend.
Now, I sweep almost daily, weekends are spent at home (still with copius amounts of piss though), I rarely gorge on KFC, I sing when I'm driving and I might dance at a wedding once a year.
What a travesty!

And then it's the baby thing. Only a couple of years ago almost all (around 99%) of my girlfriends where childless. These days that high percentage is taking a tumble. In fact, today I'm heading out to pick up a portacot for my visiting guests!

Talk with mates quickly switches from where are we going out, what drugs are we going to take, are we going to go to Splendour this year? To... when you have kids this, and when you have kids that... Or so and so is starting to crawl, I've finished breastfeeding, and I've just had my first period. The conversation is totally stacato with their eyes darting here there and everywhere or interupted by a 'Mummies talking' comment.

Suddenly, I'm the minority! And even more so due to the fact that I'm not sure I even want to enter babydom (making me a slight evil and insane individual)! Hell... I'm already married and have my own house, I even clean and cook for Christs sake! I can't get much more adult (sorry mature) than that!

Who knows... perhaps I'll come acustomed to 'maturing' and I won't find it so dull and boring. In the meantime... I'm going to party like it's 1999 (seemed like that came and went so quickly), pick up my act in the singing stakes, go get HJ's for lunch today and chuck iTunes on random for a dance in the office. If it's true that 'you're only as old as you feel'..... catch you round! I'm off for a shot of botox and to make myself some fairy bread!