Touché Universe, Touché

This morning I had a minor breakdown.  My major client (who I've been working with for 5 years) has pulled the pin on using voice overs with their work - instead reverting back to music.  Bam!  It hit my like a sack full of rock hard shit.  The doubt, the insecurity, the worry, the anxiety... all came flooding back.  I felt physically ill... sick to the stomach and was on the verge of tears.  

To give you an idea of the magnitude - this client is my one staple.  They account for more than half of my earnings.  This is a big deal!  

The Universe is clearly testing my resolve.... and for a good hour or so I stewed and stewed and stewed.  What did this mean?  Why now?  Was it me?  Something I've done?  Did I make this happen?  The whole 'be careful what you wish for' scenario ran through my mind.

I went for a run on the beach to clear my mind and get some clarity.  A question kept popping into my mind...

Did I ask for this?

My answer?  Well, yeah.  I think I did actually.  

Over the course of the past 5 years I've not had more than one day off work - for fear of losing this client or them passing the work onto someone else.  The deadlines were stringent and work came in on a daily basis - both a blessing and a curse.  

Whenever it was most inconvenient, I seemed to get mountains of work.  I worked the day of my best friends wedding - due to tech probs that arose because I was out of my studio and in the bush for a few days.  I worked every day of my holiday in Thailand - the only proper holiday I've taken in 5 years.  Hell, I even did some work in the spare room of my Nanna's house the day of her wake.  

This was clearly not their problem (this isn't a beat up the client post), this was my problem.  I just couldn't say no... I couldn't lay down the boundaries.  And sometimes that would eat me up inside.  At times I kind of felt like they were the mean boss I've experienced in the past - they were nothing of the sort... it was myself bullying myself not to let this client down due to absolute fear of losing them.

NOW... It's time to practice what I've been preaching these past couple of months.  

Perspective, happiness, gratefulness, surrender. 

There is a silver lining to this... I'm now free to concentrate on getting this TV script off the ground.  I feel like this client was the one thing kind of holding me back.  It was security... and something I couldn't bring myself to just give away - though the thought had crossed my mind on more than one occasion.  So, the Universe has taken the decision to let them go out of my hands.

I'm so grateful to have had this client.  They have given me the freedom to follow my dreams.  They have allowed me to get my business of the ground and have taught me so much about where I am and where I want to be - not to mention who I am and who I want to be. 

By closing this door it allows others to open.  When it comes down to it, my world doesn't end with just this one client - it not life threatening.  I'm still here... alive and kicking.  

It's sounds very cliché... but everything happens for a reason.  I'm more than sure of it!  I might not have a crystal clear representation of why just now... but it will present itself soon enough.  

What I've learned?  Resistance is futile.  I'm in the river floating towards where I'm supposed to be... to fight the current would be useless.  I've just got to conserve my energy and go with the flow.  I'll end up where I'm meant to be.  

So... Universe, you've tested my resolve.  

Touché Universe, Touché

I think I've passed the test.