Voice of Reason

Warning; this is going to quite likely be a rambling mess (for which I will not apologise -good girl Karls). My thought process is quite lengthy and very complex in these types of situations and I usually end up thinking way too much.   Thus confusing the heck out of myself - and now, probably you too.  

Also, this was a post I meant to publish last week but Blogger kept on fucking up.  It also didn't save a few of the changes I made - now I can't really be fucked going through and changing it, so I'm just going to hope it makes sense and hit publish. Doh!

Back to the story at hand...

Micko truly is the shit.  He knows just how hard I am working at bettering myself and he is being beyond supportive.  Sometimes the guy knows what to say exactly when I need to hear it.

Take just now for example...

It's a friends birthday and I got text today (well, it was sent last night... but I just discovered it now - totally my style... I'm famous for the delayed response) asking if we wanted to join them for dinner.

I'd have loved to join them... but a week or so ago I commited to going to an Angel Healing Guided Meditation.  And when I check in with myself, I really do want to go.  I think it will be good for me.

Usually I would have dumped the meditation and gone to the dinner - primarly due to a sense of obligation. 

The old me would have gone because I'd be really worried that the birthday girl would be offended if I didn't go.  That she would think I didn't like her... that she would worry that she had done something to offend me... that she would ponder why I thought the meditation was more important than her birthday dinner.... and that she would think I was selfish.

This is the thought process that happens when I feel like I'm letting someone down.  And it's a much longer process and much more painful to me that that paragraph portrays. I end up feeling super anxious, nervous and a wave of nausea usually sweeps over me.  I feel shaky and just horrible all over.  And I always end up doing whatever it is, even if it's not really what I want to do.  

However, when I'm on the recieving end  I don't feel any of these things.  I just accept that they have something else to do - there could be a gazillion reasons they aren't coming but none of them really concern me - I go ahead and enjoy my birthday dinner. 

How strange that I should assume that peoples concerns or reactions would differ so vastly from my own.  Why should what I do be governed by these imaginary concerns/opinions/reactions?  And why would I put others peoples concerns/opinions/reactions above my own?

(Hypothetical questions - amongst other reasons I measured my self worth on other peoples opinions of me - what a nasty trap that can be!)

The new me thinks there is a reason I was invited to this event at this time in my development and I really owe myself the opportunity to go.  That even though I really love this chickadee, we can catch up over a beer for her birthday another time... and no doubt, it will be sooner, rather than later.

Anyways... I rang Micko to explain that I really felt I needed to attend this meditation circle tonight... then I pretty much blabbered on incoherently about the reasons... to-ing and fro-ing... Did he want to go?  If he did, we could go... I mean, I think I want to go, but I don't have to.... to which he said?

"Karls... Stop. Do what you need to do. You'll only be letting down yourself if you don't."

A stark reminder - of which the timing was perfect.
Words from a wise man...
Sometimes he speaks my truth, when I don't have the courage to.
My voice of reason.

I'm slowly learning that I can be my own voice of reason...
Doing what is right for me will make me a better person... and therefore, a better friend.

Work in progress!