Forgiveness

Most of us are our own worst critics.  I am absolutely no different.

Sunday morning I woke up, very hungover, and very, very down on myself.  Let's just say I got super shitfaced.  I mean, I don't think I did anything to offend anyone and I probably wasn't as big a dickhead as I made myself out to be... in my own mind... but I woke up and felt like all the hard work I'd put into me had been undone by one too many tequila shot (ewwww). 

 As if the lethargy, the headache and the spewing wasn't punishment enough, my mind became my worst enemy.  And man, was she one nasty bitch!  (Thankfully, I've got a fabulous husband who could tell where I was at emotionally and kept reminding me to stop beating up on myself.)  Regardless though, I wallowed in self pity much of Sunday... and I ate... and I ate... and I ate.  I hated that I was wasting a beautiful Sunday on the couch, shovelling KFC into my mouth while filling my mind with junk food of the TV viewing variety.  Nasty shit. 

Anyways... a few days on and I've managed to forgive myself and my inner drunken mutant.  But it has raised some rather pertinent questions surrounding forgiveness... kind of leading on from that whole 'past is passed' scenario.

I've had some, let's just say, 'pretty average' relationships in the past.  A couple in particular that really affected me.  You know, although I recently questioned whether I had actually forgiven them and moved on, I now realise that I have.  (It's a little harder to let go of their beliefs - but that's a work in progress).

Now I've realised the one person I never did forgive was... 

ME!  

In fact, I really despised me - the young girl who had so much going for her... yet just let people walk all over her.  I couldn't understand why she chose to hang around.  I couldn't fathom how she could put up with this shit.  I couldn't believe she thought she was worth what was being dished out.  I just flat out couldn't stand her.  

What I neglect to remember when I'm dishing out the hate to this fragile young adult, is that eventually she did take charge.  She realised she was worth more than that shit and she left.  She left... and she grew.  She swore to herself that she'd never let someone disrespect her again... 

and for the most part, she didn't.

That is... except for herself.  

Why is it not okay for someone else to make you feel worthless... but it totally okay for you to do so?

So, today, I forgive myself.  And today, I choose to start actually loving myself - for real.  Negative self talk... be gone - like those boys from your past.  

Today... I choose to be free of all the self doubt, the insecurities, the self hate.

I choose freedom, love and joy... and to allow all the wonderful things I deserve into my life...

I choose to love young Karls... I choose to love present Karls... and I choose to be thankful for all the experiences, good and bad, that have lead me here - to this place... 

This place where I can be me.  Be totally happy with that.  And be grateful for it all.

(Usually... this would sit in my drafts for fear that a few of you might think I've lost my marbles - I've gone all hippy and fluffy on y'all.  But, the new me doesn't really care... How you choose to see it will depend on where you are at, and where you have been... and if is well removed from where I'm at, so be it.  It's not a reflection on me anymore.  I'm happy, content and putting it all out there!  Not even one sarcastic self attack to end.  Oh I've come a long way!)