So, y'all remember Micko found a book on the side of the road that he brought home to give to me. It was 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and I wondered what poignant message it contained.
Well... a strange thing occurred. I found myself asking what was the message? I mean, I get that it's all about living your life to the full... loving every moment and appreciating the people in your life. That's a great message in itself, but it's nothing new.
Soon after I finished my Nan popped into my head. I started to feel a little guilty about the 2nd last time I saw her. It was my brother's wedding and I was sitting next to her. Sometimes my Nan lacked tact - well, okay... a lot of the time! But I found it one of her most endearing qualities. On this occassion, however, I was quite short with her. I was doing a speech and was a little nervous and my usual patient persona went out the window. I guess it's plagued on me a little... more than I realised.
I also remember her breath... it smelt weird. Nan wasn't a stinky breath kind of person, but this night it really did smell. Which was another reason I didn't really want to talk to her. I felt like I should have known that she had liver cancer from her breath alone - kind of ridiculous, I realise. But if I'd said something, maybe things would be different... she'd have gone to the Docs and they'd have picked it up much earlier.
I also remember her breath... it smelt weird. Nan wasn't a stinky breath kind of person, but this night it really did smell. Which was another reason I didn't really want to talk to her. I felt like I should have known that she had liver cancer from her breath alone - kind of ridiculous, I realise. But if I'd said something, maybe things would be different... she'd have gone to the Docs and they'd have picked it up much earlier.
For a full day, it pretty much consumed my mind. I felt wrecked with guilt that I hadn't appreciated her as I usually would. That night, something really strange happened... but first, I have to go back to her funeral.
As I'm a bit of a show pony... and a pretty good public speaker (if I do say so myself) I was asked to do her eulogy. Possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life... but something that I really wanted to do.. and do well. She would have wanted that. I asked all my cousins if they wanted to speak, or had anything they wanted me to put in my speech. My cous Jules, mentioned that just before Nan had passed, she had been having a talk with her about death. Nan had said, 'Whenever you need me, I will be there... in your dreams'.
So back to that night. I slept and I dreamt vividly of Nan. She told me she was happy and free and to never feel guilty over anytime we'd spent together. That she had loved me dearly and would always be there. Then I woke up... to hearing myself say 'Nan! Nan!' and crying my eyes out.
I'm not sure if it was just my subconcious playing out in my dreams... or if she was really there. I'd like to think it was the latter. So, Tuesday with Morrie did have a rather poignant message for me. Death separates us from loved ones physically, but they will always, always live on in your heart, your mind... and when you need them... your dreams!
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