Friday, September 3, 2010

Message in a (found on the side of the road) book...

So, y'all remember Micko found a book on the side of the road that he brought home to give to me.  It was 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and I wondered what poignant message it contained.

Well...  a strange thing occurred.  I found myself asking what was the message?  I mean, I get that it's all about living your life to the full... loving every moment and appreciating the people in your life.  That's a great message in itself, but it's nothing new.

Soon after I finished my Nan popped into my head.  I started to feel a little guilty about the 2nd last time I saw her.  It was my brother's wedding and I was sitting next to her.  Sometimes my Nan lacked tact - well, okay... a lot of the time!  But I found it one of her most endearing qualities.  On this occassion, however, I was quite short with her.  I was doing a speech and was a little nervous and my usual patient persona went out the window.  I guess it's plagued on me a little... more than I realised.

I also remember her breath... it smelt weird.  Nan wasn't a stinky breath kind of person, but this night it really did smell.  Which was another reason I didn't really want to talk to her.  I felt like I should have known that she had liver cancer from her breath alone - kind of ridiculous, I realise.  But if I'd said something, maybe things would be different... she'd have gone to the Docs and they'd have picked it up much earlier.

For a full day, it pretty much consumed my mind.  I felt wrecked with guilt that I hadn't appreciated her as I usually would.  That night, something really strange happened... but first, I have to go back to her funeral.

As I'm a bit of a show pony... and a pretty good public speaker (if I do say so myself) I was asked to do her eulogy.  Possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life... but something that I really wanted to do.. and do well.  She would have wanted that.  I asked all my cousins if they wanted to speak, or had anything they wanted me to put in my speech.  My cous Jules, mentioned that just before Nan had passed, she had been having a talk with her about death.  Nan had said, 'Whenever you need me, I will be there... in your dreams'.

So back to that night.  I slept and I dreamt vividly of Nan.  She told me she was happy and free and to never feel guilty over anytime we'd spent together.  That she had loved me dearly and would always be there.  Then I woke up... to hearing myself say 'Nan!  Nan!' and crying my eyes out.

I'm not sure if it was just my subconcious playing out in my dreams... or if she was really there.  I'd like to think it was the latter.  So, Tuesday with Morrie did have a rather poignant message for me.  Death separates us from loved ones physically, but they will always, always live on in your heart, your mind... and when you need them... your dreams!


Smart Ass Sara said...

I totally believe in that kind of stuff. If the dead need you- they'll get to you somehow. :) But I'm glad that you got something out of the book. And I'm glad that you got some closure for your Nan. :)

"Seattle" Heather said...

Ah Karls I feel for you...I had a similar experience right after my mom passed. It seems when I'm at my worst...she sometimes will pop up in my dreams...its really odd the way she does, because I'm not dreaming of a memory of her, I'm dreaming of her and her telling me it's okay. Hugs from Seattle

Sharni said...

that is beautiful Karls, totally believe she was really there - i believe spirits kick on, bodies die but spirits don't - they just have to find different communication channels! see it as a positive experience and cry happy tears

jprp said...

wow Karls, I litteraly have tears coming down my cheeks.

I 1000000000000000000000 (like the laugh that lasts too long, but the number version!) percent believe in this, thers not a strong enough words to describe how much I believe in it!! A few years ago I had a dream that I saw my dad - at a funeral, and in black and white - and he said to me "jandy, you know I love you don't you" and then the dream finished. I believe that my Dad knew I needed to hear that then. So, I KNOW that your nan visited you, because she knew now was the time you really needed her.

I hope your dream gives you "closure" and makes you happy, she'd be so damn proud of the person you are.

I'm sorry if Im getting a little LB on yo ass right now!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Alilea said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alilea said...

Hi Karly,

Thanks for sharing that. I had an amazing experience at the start of the month. Went to see my mentor and then to meditation class. Somehow the combination and focus of these two things led me to have an open heart/inner joy experience. My Nana's heart opened to me. It was incredible. Just like the lotus flower opening. I finally realised the gifts she had given me. Any guilt from silly things, any anger I felt towards her dying vanished. She gave me the experience of inner joy and love... The following day I found a brass buddha in an auction house. Nana had one just like it when we were kids. She had a game for us and used to put riddles in it, now here was the brass buddha smiling at me again.

I didn't link the two experiences at the time. But a few days later I remembered. This was the 20 year anniversary of her death. Only now had I realised her spirit was in me all the time. Unconditional love does not rely on the physical body.

As for your guilt with being short with her... There is always a lesson Karls. She was probably just smiling at your ego dance. We all have the ego and inner self duality... I imagine she would have known that you would learn something from that moment.

The breath - well, maybe she just needed to go to the dentist. There is always a positive - maybe it was a lesson to keep your dental health in check ;)

The thing is that our souls have lessons to learn, and we can not control the outcome. It was not for you to diagnose your Nan. It was not your place. Her life panned out just as it should and in the right amount of time. It was her purpose and even if you had pointed out her breath, her destiny was her soul's to own. And she did.

Our ego selves try to latch on to guilt, blame, sadness... but our inner selves can rise above the need for ego survial. Energy doesn't die, just the body fades. Your Nan lives in you. Focus on the goodness she gave to you. Forget the burden of silly guilt. You will carry that lightness through to others I know. You already do.


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