Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Lifes little lessons

My darling Jandy did a beautiful post on lessons she's learnt throughout her life... I even got a mention - thanks lover!

Got me to thinking... What are some lessons I've learnt the hard way?  What would I pass on to people to help them avoid some of the embarrassing situations I've found myself in?

So here are '10 of lifes little lessons'... with a Karls twist;

1.  Jumpsuits (a) - while they look kickarse, most require a visit with the Mother-in-law's sewing room in order to actually get into them.  Might be my huge cans?  They just seem never to have enough room to get both my tits and my arms in.  Lesson?  Adjust before you wear - or you could find yourself in a toilet for over half an hour trying to work out how you got yourself in the bloody thing before you hit the town!

2. Jumpsuits (b) (yeah - I love jumpsuits) - always check that your not actually sitting on part of your outfit when you take a wee after 2 bottle of champas.  It's disasterous and quite difficult to explain why your back is saturated and perhaps a little on the pongy side!

3. A sanitary pad does not replace a trip to the toilet - it's not a nappy people!

4. Keep mouth shut when your dog sniffs another dogs privates - elderly women do not appreciate 'Dog 69er' jokes.

5. Wear sunscreen... Not only does it help combat premature aging, but it also hinders a brazen red and white cleavage... and lets face it, nobody likes a lobster - unless they make a fabulous frozen Cosmo.

6. On special occassions - you should really attend to those outta control 'koala ears' prior to flashing your box at people.  While you might find koala's soft and cuddly - the reality is they are generally quite scary and aggressive animals with chlamydia.

7. A jumbo bag of white choc raspberry bullets does not make menstrual pain go away... it does, however, make your jaw feel like you've been gutsed on the disco biccies at a 2 week long rave.  You'd think I learn - but I do it ev.ery. month!

8. Test the waters when meeting new people.  Hold back - at least for 5-10 minutes. Keep in mind that some people aren't quite sure how to take stories about shitting yourself in public.

9. Who am I kidding?  Jump right in... if you're not a nasty bitch and what you're saying isn't going to hurt anyone's feelings, don't feel you have to apologise for or hinder your outlandish behavoir.  Go for it!

10. Sometimes less is more... prime example; this post!


7 comments:

Masala Chica said...

I really loved number 4. And all i have to say is, maybe we should avoid jumpsuits altogether karls, hmmm?

jprp said...

So.Funny!

by the way, your frozen cosmos make up for lobsters, wet jump suits, shitting your self in public stories, even koala ears!

Al said...

Frigen hilarious babe!
Ah, and your frozen cosmos make up for just about anything, those things are the shiz!
Love ya x

Debbie said...

Thanks for the laugh! I really enjoyed this list.

"Seattle" Heather said...

Love it! I've been away for awhile! But I'm glad you're still here!

Christine Vi said...

Fantastic list! And all things can be applied! I enjoyed it very much. Now you have me thinking of a list for myself.

Kellyansapansa said...

I'm so glad you're still so ... you! Looking forward to visiting more frequently in 2011. xx

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