Monday, June 21, 2010

Pushing the limits

I know I've been a little sporadic with my blogging... to say the very least.  I've been doing my darnedest to connect in the real world, so my cyber self has been laying low.

Good news is I'm feeling well adjusted... and a little more together every day.  I tell you, it's been a hard slog but I'm coming out of the fog and into the sunshine.  Oh... it's been hard work!  Therapy and challenging myself to do re-connect.  It's weird... things I'd have never have thought twice about, these days cause me my heart to race and sweat like a dirty motherfucker!  Damn you anxiety!

This weekend was shit. hot!  Micko and I went to the markets and had a delicious lunch in Bello, then grabbed a bunch of DVD's and chilled out all arvo with a few vodka's.

Sunday we went to a barbie... this was pretty big.   It's so strange... I've never been scared of meeting people but the isolation of the past 15 months has taken effect and I feel like a shy mouse - not the usual gregarious Karls.  I find myself scared to engage socially - well, with people I don't know very well.  Hiding away in my house and telling myself I can't be bothered when something social does crop up seems an easier option - it's also a cop out (now what have I told you about being nice to yourself Karls?  It's not a 'cop out', it's what you've been doing to get by).

You know, I'd probably have done the same thing this weekend, but I had a really interesting 'sign'.  I bought this great book called 'Spiritual Business' - as the title suggests, it's about running your business with spirituality in mind.   In the pack you get the book, some aromatherapy oils and a deck of spiritual business cards (kind of like angel or tarot cards).  When you need some inspiration, you shuffle the deck and pick the card that stands out to you.  So, last week, while feeling a little lack lustre, I reached for the deck.  I thoroughly shuffled the cards, sent out 'tell me what I need to know' vibes and pulled out 'Find a Guru'.  Unsatisfied, I re-shuffled the deck and again, pulled out 'Find a Guru'.  By now, I was a little baffled and decided to try just one more time for a card that 'spoke to me' a little more.  Wouldn't you fucking know it?  Third times a charm... I pulled out 'Find a Guru'!

I decide perhaps the universe is trying to tell me something... but first, of course, I check the cards to see that I haven't been accidently sent a 'Find a Guru' pack.  But no, there are 60 odd cards and every single one is different!

"Find A Guru:  Look around you.  Now that you are on this path there is someone - or an opportunity to meet someone - who can help you navigate the spiritual highway.  They are out there - look for the signs and say 'yes' to every opportunity to meet new people, or ask to meet them when someone else is talking to them.  You will find them, because they are waiting'. 

Pretty straight forward message, right?  In other words... go to this fucking barbie and take the rescue remedy if you think you might freak out.

Anyway...   I'd only met the woman who was hosting this barbie the one time... and we knew no-one but her.  Turned out a great day!  It wasn't long before old Karls came out to say hello... and surprisingly (well to me... in my current headspace) people actually liked me.

It was well worth the initial sweat break out (thankfully - and probably as I hail from Melbourne - I tend to wear quite a bit of black so the sweat marks are virtually unnoticable).  Met some really great people and was so nice to be doing something social!  Plus, I reminded myself that pushing my limits is a good exercise in self discovery.  Besides... really. what is the worse that could happen?

Here is what I discovered...  The key is to turn up on time.  That way you are quite likely the first people there and you'll get properly introduced to the first few dudes to arrive... thus conversation is much easier and you won't feel as overwhelmed as turning up to a full on party where you know no one but the host!

And... in other breaking news... I've been approached by the local council to act as a youth mentor - helping high school girls learn about money and budgeting (hmmmmm... perhaps they've got the wrong person - I guess I could teach 'what not to do!').   Should be fun!   I'm also setting up that business women's network locally and I've got about 20-25 people interested (and that's from not really knowing anyone, so I'd say that's a great success).

You could say I'm pretty proud of what I'm achieving out there in the big scary real world... and you know what?  You'd be spot on!  I'm owning it... for real!


Sharni said...

What a fantastic post Karls and good for you. I am loving this glimpse into the vulnerable Karls and how she is learning and kicking goals,keep us updated on the search for the guru. I'm intrigued. Anxiety sucks - the only way out is through x

jprp said...

fuck i wrote a huge essay 4 a comment then lost it b4 i posted it! Basically i just wrote that i know its cliche but your a huge inspiration 2 me and ive always thought u were fucking awesome but seeing this side of you has just given me so much respect for you. Since weve reconnected (thanks myspace!) youve been an awesome friend to me and i hope you know im always here for you. Keep up the good work!

The Boob Nazi said...

I'm glad you're feeling better. I hate being depressed.

bananas. said...

KARLS!!! gawd i feel like it's been forever since i last "saw" you. so glad you're in better spirits, or at least you sound like you are.

hey totally off topic, well kind of, while i was in hawaii we met an australian couple. older but still very nice. they were from melbourne! and guess who i thought yea i swear. anyway...that's all. haha.

have a great day!

Amy said...

You sound like sunshine Karls! So glad your hard work is paying off:)

Christine Vi said...

Wow it sounds like you're doing a fantastic job! Congrats on that! I think the first step out is hard, but once you do it, you realize you can keep going and it's not so scary. You've inspired me.

"Seattle" Heather said...

Good on you Karls! Sounds like you have found a good healthy path to travel down and that is awesome! Working on yourself can sometimes be challenging (fuck did I spell that right? oh well) But you learn so much along the way that you can take with you forever. I'm proud of you too! :) Thanks for the sunny vibes you sent to Seattle, we got sun today! But shhh I don't want to scare it off!

JennyMac said...

Bravo for you. Love your attitude.

LiLu said...

We totally need to start calling BBQs "barbies" over here. SO MUCH CUTER.

Masala Chica said...

Good for you Karls on getting out there toots - I would never guess that someone as outgoing as yourself would be feeling that way - you seem so gregarious and confident in how you interact with people through your written word. I hope everybody who meets you gets a chance to know the lovely woman you are :-) thanks also for showing us a different side to yourself - not always easy to say these things . . .


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