useless shit I've bought - part 2

Before we get into 'useless shit I've bought - part 2' I need to share something with you about my morning so far.  

Today, I'm filling in on the phones for the wildlife volunteer service... So, I take the phone over this morning at 7.30am.  I grab my log book, home phone and mobile in one hand and head down stairs to my office with a cup of coffee in the other.

As I go to close the door, my mobile slides right of the log book and 'SPLASH!!!' - straight into Billy bucket of water!  ARGH!  As I'm a prisoner in the house until 5 tonight (when I hand the phone over) there is nothing I can do.  I rang Telstra to see how long I've got left in my contract and, poo poo to me, it's stlll another 11 months off.   So that means, I either have to buy a new phone or pay out the contract $377!  (another useless purchase - well, now that it's been thoroughly drenched!)

I rang Telstra and got onto this dude to see how I could divert the mobile phone number to my landline.  He spent about 10 minutes trying to look it up and explain it - I'm sure he was a stubby short of a six pack.  Anyway, the edited convo, goes a little something like this:

Me:  I just fucked my mobile phone by dropping it in a bucket of water so it's cactus.  I need to divert my calls to my landline... but I don't have access to my mobile anymore so I need to be able to do it all on my landline handset.

Slowy:  Okay... just hold for five fucking hours while I try to sort something out (yeah... he didn't really say that). **** Insert Hold Music**** Okay, you press **61** the phone number **... oh wait!  you press **61**the phone number, then hash, then 25.  Ummmm. No, you press **61 the phone number then 25, then hash.'

Me:  So, I press **61** then the phone number - which phone number?  The mobile phone which is now dead, or the land line number?'

Slowy:  The mobile phone number.  Oh... I mean, the land line number.  Ah?  Nah, nah.. the mobile number.  Thats the one you want to divert, right?

Me:  Yeah.  So **61**my mobile number, 25 and #.

Slowy:  Yeah... then you press send.

Me:  Send?  I'm a little confused?  What button is the send button?  

Slowly:  You know, the send button!

Me:  Sorry... I'm not sure what you're referring to.  What is the send button?  I'm not on the mobile... I'm on a land line.  I don't think my landline handset has a 'send' button.

Slowy:  Oh!  You're on a land line?  I thought you were on the mobile?

Me:  Nah dickhead (okay I didn't say dickhead - you got me)... I dropped my mobile in a bucket of water, remember?

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Now back to our regularly scheduled program...

Case Study 2:  NB: In this scenario I was completely sober.

We were doing up the spare room - and thank fuck for that - the blue and yellow moon theme were giving me cerebral damage.  

I went to Spotlight as I thought I might get all crafty.  Mistake!  

I ended up walking out with $174 worth of material, canvas, ribbons, buttons, glue gun, felt and so on... which to this day I still haven't used.

Oh... sorry!  I have.... I made this fucking ugly as a hat full of arseholes lamp shade!

Smoking Shell man totally steals the limelight.

useless shit I've bought - part 1

First things first... it would seem my Aussie slang got the better of most of you yesterday.  If you would like me to clear anything up, please just say the word.  I'm more than happy to enlighten you.

Now, back to business!

I thought it about time I share with you my crazy penchant for useless shit... not just any useless shit, expensive useless shit.  

As this is quite an exercise - due to my very obsessive nature.  I've decided to bring you one Case Study per day over the next few days.
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Case Study 1:  It's the very early hours of Saturday morning... Micko and I have had a big night - and I mean a bigger than Ben Hur night!  

I, stupidly, decided to get on ebay.  

I come across a clay ram that takes my fancy.  

Micko and I get so excited we just HAVE to place a few bids.  

The auction is nearing the end so we get into competition mode and I decide to outbid anyone who dares bid.  

We win!  We are ecstatic. We dance. We sing.

  

We wake up in the morning, a little worse for wear and with little memory of the late night shopping spree.

That is until I check my emails and find a receipt for this little fella:

Sure!  He's cool!  He's a modernist Ram... and in the light of day, I do love him.

But... is he $130 plus postage cool?  Hmmmmmm?

10 year flashback!

Yo bitches!  I've been sitting here at my computer waiting for some tech support for my VOIP phone and I just happened to stumble across and email I sent to my best mate, Houghy, just on 10 years ago.  So here is a glimpse of my outstanding maturity (not much has changed - except a few more wrinkles, quite a few kg's and a bazillion grey hairs).

This is what I used to look like...

Coopers... anyone?  

This photo still makes me laugh so much I cry when I see it!  Talk about putting it all out there!

Oh... and hey!  Tune out now if you are easily offended by bad language! 

Seriously... who am I kidding!  If you've been here even once before you have some kind of idea what is about to unfold... verbally!

Bushpig motherfucker,

How's it going scraggus. Did you get my message from mandas phone? I got you RRRRRAAAAAADDDDDD Stubby holder today!!!!! THANKS!!!!! its cool.

Hope all is well and the nerds arent bringing you down. I'm sure if you search enough you'll find at least one pusta malaca. I will visit as soon as I can. I am still on the hunt for a new job but it is so far fucken unsuccessful. I WANT A CAREER! (sorry to be a Krisha  ie, I want an education!) Late 90s ((adjusted today to protect the innocent)) Granmas funeral was today, it was pretty sad. We are still having a few problems, mainly my fault. ((cough, cough)) Hopefully we can work it out! ((BOMBOMMM)) 

I am going to weight watchers tonight. I need to be skinny!!! and I wont stop unit I am unobese!  ((slight exaggeration... as you can see from the previous picture))

Hope all your family is well, I might ring them tomorrow and see how they are doing. I heard you picked up!!!!! Tell me all the goss you slurry whore.

I saw G R ( do you remember that bogan mull head?, I ve heard he has four kids to seperate girl junkies (GROSS) he is an absolute Junkie. He has track marks in his arms every where and he was rolling his eyes into the back of his head and his friend was passed out and drooling. It was disgusting!!! DIE ALL JUNKIES!!!!!! ((I must say this was at the height of the heroin epidemic in Melbourne and I was full of tact - not!))

Love ya cunnilinguist

Karlos Maturity

Prostitution Consultant

Bach. W&J&S (pembroke)*

*Certificate of deportment Deportment school for Whores, Junkies & Sluts

A.K.A P ((I've deleted the name but real life friends know the score)) Secondary College - Senior Campus

Anzac Spirit

Sunday is Anzac Day... also, I must mention it's my lovely friend Jandy (at Alis Volat Propiis') birthday.  Each year I have good intentions of making a dawn ceremony, but still to this day, I've never actually dragged my arse out of bed and made it.  Jandy, on the other hand, does so each and every year... followed by a Macca's run and birthday celebrations - now that's commitment! 

What is ANZAC day?  It's a day to recognise and remember those Australians and New Zealanders who fought at Gallipoli during World War 1.  Although, these days it's a day of remberance for all those who lost their lives fighting for... well, I'd say for our country, but often it's for another country altogether.  War, War, what is is good for?  Don't even get me started!  

My Granddad fought on the Kokoda Trail during the 2nd World War.  Granddad was a member of the 39th Battalion - if you haven't seen Kokoda or 39th Battalion, or have no idea what I'm talking about, go hire the movies.  Here is an excerpt from a book called 'Kokoda and Beyond':

"We got orders to withdraw from Isurava Rest House during the afternoon and, as acting platoon commander, I checked each man as he went past. I saw that Bob Nimmo was missing and ran back to see if he had been left behind. I found him on his knees, moaning—he was badly wounded and couldn't move. By now the Japs were in sight and advancing on us. I knew I couldn't get him out on my own, so I raced after the blokes who had just left to get one of them to help me. I was just in time to see the last man disappearing round a bend in the track—it was 'J. D.' McKay.

So I yelled out: 'JD! come back and give me a hand, Bob Nimmo is badly wounded.' Without a second's hesitation 'J.D.' turned and ran back. We both raced over to Bob, grabbed an arm each and half-carried, half-dragged him hell for leather along the ground. We couldn't worry about dodging obstacles because by this time the Japs were right on our tail and firing at us. We dragged Bob over 4 to 5 feet high banks, landing on top of each other; and every time we crashed down a bank we kept losing the grenades we'd stuffed inside our shirts.

I can still hear Bob Nimmo saying:  'Don't worry about me strides—keep going!' You see we'd pulled his trousers off dragging him along the ground. He must have been in agony—most of the flesh of one of his buttocks had been shot off."

A true story that embodies what we Aussie's refer to as the ANZAC spirit... Never leave a fallen friend (thanks Van!).

 Roughly one in every four young, undertrained boys returned alive.  Granddad might have had his arse practically blown off, and little skin left covering his body, but he was one of the lucky ones.  His motto in life (and mine) was 'Keep Going'.

He left a young boy, full of hope and promise... and he returned a broken man. 

For years, my cousins and I have spoken of returning to Kokoda, honoring the memory of my Granddad, and walking the trail... perhaps a little later on this year.  I'll start by attending my first dawn service this Sunday.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them.

R.I.P Private Bob Nimmo (aka Granddad)

It's my bag!

I've harped on about this bloody handbag story and I'm sure you'll be all like 'Dude!  We actually waited for this!?!". 

I think it's a tale of mystery and intrigue.  A story that suggests dreams can come true.

It all began during my Christmas break.  I was in Melbourne shopping for a bridesmaids dress with my favourite bitch in the entire world - super hot Houghy.  Nesh, Hough and I were at Knox Shitty (those local Melbournites will know what I'm refering to).  We'd made our way upstairs in Myer and I walked past the handbag dept, when something caught the corner of my eyes.  It wasn't just any bag... it was MY BAG (by that I mean, it wasn't actually my bag... but it was begging to be mine).  At the time, I didn't have much in the way of funds so I had to let it slide. 

After we'd left, Nesh said next time she was in Myer she'd suss out the bag and buy it for me as a gift for taking her wedding photo's.  Thankfully, I'd written down the style code and name - yeah, that's how much I loved the bag.  Unfortunately, when she did go back, the bag was long gone.

Fast forward a few months, to just last week.  I'd spent months searching online for this bag with no avail and had thought about it almost every day.  I arrived in Melbs, it was fucking freezing and my bro needed to get a new phone.  We braved the elements and headed out to Forest Hill.  On our way out, Kat (my beautiful sis-in-law) said, 'Dudes!  I forgot the Jahlsburg!  Should I just grab it later or should we head back in and get it now?'.  We debated and decided not to put off till later what we can do this moment (insightful, yes?)

On our way back to the car, I happened to take a glance to the right and noticed a Myer.  I asked if they would mind if I headed in.  Note:  I'd only just been telling Kat about the bag scenario that very morning.  I headed straight to the handbag dept.  Checked out the Charlie Brown stand... it wasn't there.  Just as I was about to give up all hope... a shining beacon of light fell upon the black leather Charlie Brown Zanzibar handbag.  I ran towards it in slow motion.  It smiled at me and said 'Where have you been all my life' (slight exaggeration). 

I snatched Old Zanzibar up and ran towards the counter... The woman behind the counter was quite possibly the biggest woman I've ever laid eyes on.  She smiled as I ran madly towards her, screaming 'Yes!  Yes!'.  Then she said, 'Did you notice if that was on the half price table?'.  I had been so blinded by it's beauty I hadn't even checked.  She waddled over... returned about 5 minutes later with beads of sweat pouring down her forehead and gave me the great news...

'It is half price!'

Oh... it's my bag alright!  To you guys... it's quite likely just a black leather bag... kind of plain... and as Micko said 'I just don't know what all the fuss is about'.  But for those of you who have pined for those perfect shoes, the right shade of lipstick, or handbag... then have had the universe deliver it months later... you'll know the sheer ecstacy of holding in your dear hands wanting never to let it go.

Magic!

My Best Friends Wedding - with no lame choreographed sing-a-long

As ya'll know, I've been out of action, tearing Melbourne a new arsehole.  Had a fab week!  Caught up some good mates, saw my bro's exhibition, spent time with family and finally, saw my best mate marry the man of her dreams.  All in all a good week!

Nanna's house sold... got much more than we'd expected and, quite unbelievably, an ex-Richmond president bought it (my Nanna was Richmond Tigers biggest fan - the house was practically a shrine).  So, it kind of felt things came full circle.  

Houghy had an unbelievable day for the wedding.  A sunny, warm 27 degree April day (in Melbs?  Seriously?).  She looked sooooo awesome!  One of my great mates, Ali, was the photographer so I'll have some shots to share at a later date... but here are a couple, good ol' Mangina took.

A perfect day for a country wedding!

Nesha give Houghy a hand with the train.

Me and Micko tear up the dance floor.

Three super fine New South Welshman.

Tomorrow.. will bring the handbag story!  I promise!  

I'm getting back on the horse, ya'll!

Missing Bubbalicious

Micko has been sending my cute little updates on my bubby Billy.  Here is what have come through on my phone since I've been down in FUCKING FREEZING Melbourne.

Night night Mummy... miss you!

I've just been to the beach... see ya!

I've been for a walk down the V-Wall... see ya!

Look what Micko gave me while he's at work!

Ahhhhh!  So cute!

My bro's exhibition opens tonight... definitely worth a look.  If you're in Melbs, it's on until sometime in May.  Anna Pappas Gallery   2-4 Carlton St  Prahan.

Firstly, thanks to all you rad people who have sent me messages of support.  I seriously have some rad readers and pretty darn cool people in my life.

So, I'm down in my old hood.  I flew down Saturday arvo and the trip started with me being bumped up to business class... seriously, that shit never happens to me.  A great start to a good trip.  Caught up with a mate, then with my bro and his close knit bunch of crazy fucker friends (who I love by the way).  Sunday arvo, I headed round to my lovely friend Al's (she makes a mean hedgehog slice and melting moments that rivaled my Nanna's) and caught up with my girl Fe, Jandy (fellow blogger and real life beautiful sweetheart friend) and Jill.  Spent the arvo drinking champagne, eating too many sweets and laughing hysterically - exactly what I needed (oh and girls... my shitting stories will make an appearance when I'm back).

Right now, I'm sitting on a train in Melbourne's lovely public transport network (NOT).  I've got my massive suitcase, my laptop out and my fucking rad new handbag (totally blog worthy - perhaps tomorrow).  It's crowded (but at least that makes it a little warmer - it's fucking soooo cold here!), all I can hear is dull chat and the mixture of about 10 people playing thier iPods too loud (it's for you to list3en to, not me) and the train chugging along.  Can't wait to get off this fucking thing.

Anyways,,, that's about it for now!  Just wanted to let y'all know how much I appreciate you fucking magnificent women (and man - surely I have at least one male reader>)... that I'm alive and kicking and in a much better headspace than before.

Karls out

Blogger block - like cock block, but not

I have been a terrible blogger of late!  I've got a bit of shit going on in my life... nothing too bad (everything is fine with Micko and my Billy - just some personal shit I've got to deal with).  After putting it off and trying to avoid the issue, I finally bit the bullet and have started seeing someone to get me back to the bright, happy Karls I always was... but somehow lost along the way. 

Seems I am still dealing with the grief of losing my Nan... the word depression has been bandied around and I've been reluctant to use it... but I'm certainly not myself right now, so if it has to be labelled... so be it.  Either way, I'm working through the shit and I'll be back to myself shortly.  Better out than in... right?  Oh and it's sooo not in!  I don't think I've felt my emotions so close to the surface in my entire life.

Weird... I think I've avoided posting as I've felt like a bit of a freak. I didn't want anyone to think I was some kind of emotional nutcase.  Or that I was in anyway weak - probably more the truth of the matter.  I'm a fairly strong character (as you probably already know) so the thought of me not being in control has been doing my head in.  I've now worked out that sometimes it's better to feel... than to not... If you've been around these parts, you'd know my stance on perception (and optimism)... for some reason, I just can't get myself into perspective at all right now... but I am optimistic!

Anyways... I will come through the other side.  I'd rather label my unhappiness as a little bit of loneliness and boredom.  It's certainly not been with me forever and I'll be shaking it off - if I've anything to do with it.  (I'm now hoping you're not screaming at the monitor... Denial!  Denial!)

This weekend, I'm off to Melbourne.  I'm going to spend some quality time with my family (and am trying desperately to squeeze a few good friends in - although it is hard when you're on the other side of Melbourne without a car).  My Nanna's house goes up for auction the day of my best mates wedding (next Saturday... oh and I'm going to make a super fine bridesmaid), so I need to be there for my Mum... and I'm hoping it will allow me to move on.  Being so far away has allowed me to, in a way, be removed from the grief I should have been dealing with over the past 9 months.  At the moment it's all flooding to the surface.

One last thing... I have to give props to my bitch Graffical!  She made a serious trek up here (I'm talking a 15 hour drive) to spend her birthday with me and Micko... It was only going to be for the night (hardcore!!!) but gladly, they stayed 2 nights... they were awesome fun!  Girl... you rock the kasbah!

Okay Karls... deep breath... and hit 'publish'