Friday, April 30, 2010

useless shit I've bought - part 2

Before we get into 'useless shit I've bought - part 2' I need to share something with you about my morning so far.  

Today, I'm filling in on the phones for the wildlife volunteer service... So, I take the phone over this morning at 7.30am.  I grab my log book, home phone and mobile in one hand and head down stairs to my office with a cup of coffee in the other.

As I go to close the door, my mobile slides right of the log book and 'SPLASH!!!' - straight into Billy bucket of water!  ARGH!  As I'm a prisoner in the house until 5 tonight (when I hand the phone over) there is nothing I can do.  I rang Telstra to see how long I've got left in my contract and, poo poo to me, it's stlll another 11 months off.   So that means, I either have to buy a new phone or pay out the contract $377!  (another useless purchase - well, now that it's been thoroughly drenched!)

I rang Telstra and got onto this dude to see how I could divert the mobile phone number to my landline.  He spent about 10 minutes trying to look it up and explain it - I'm sure he was a stubby short of a six pack.  Anyway, the edited convo, goes a little something like this:

Me:  I just fucked my mobile phone by dropping it in a bucket of water so it's cactus.  I need to divert my calls to my landline... but I don't have access to my mobile anymore so I need to be able to do it all on my landline handset.

Slowy:  Okay... just hold for five fucking hours while I try to sort something out (yeah... he didn't really say that). **** Insert Hold Music**** Okay, you press **61** the phone number **... oh wait!  you press **61**the phone number, then hash, then 25.  Ummmm. No, you press **61 the phone number then 25, then hash.'

Me:  So, I press **61** then the phone number - which phone number?  The mobile phone which is now dead, or the land line number?'

Slowy:  The mobile phone number.  Oh... I mean, the land line number.  Ah?  Nah, nah.. the mobile number.  Thats the one you want to divert, right?

Me:  Yeah.  So **61**my mobile number, 25 and #.

Slowy:  Yeah... then you press send.

Me:  Send?  I'm a little confused?  What button is the send button?  

Slowly:  You know, the send button!

Me:  Sorry... I'm not sure what you're referring to.  What is the send button?  I'm not on the mobile... I'm on a land line.  I don't think my landline handset has a 'send' button.

Slowy:  Oh!  You're on a land line?  I thought you were on the mobile?

Me:  Nah dickhead (okay I didn't say dickhead - you got me)... I dropped my mobile in a bucket of water, remember?


Now back to our regularly scheduled program...

Case Study 2:  NB: In this scenario I was completely sober.

We were doing up the spare room - and thank fuck for that - the blue and yellow moon theme were giving me cerebral damage.  

I went to Spotlight as I thought I might get all crafty.  Mistake!  

I ended up walking out with $174 worth of material, canvas, ribbons, buttons, glue gun, felt and so on... which to this day I still haven't used.

Oh... sorry!  I have.... I made this fucking ugly as a hat full of arseholes lamp shade!

Smoking Shell man totally steals the limelight.


Smart Ass Sara said...

Dude. That lamp shade is fucked up. That needs to be put out of its misery. Whoa.

~KS said...

Sorry about your mobile... ugh.
And I would totally do something like this... buying the craft shit that is and never using it. Well, I wouldn't have made a lampshade. But yours turned out, nice....

jprp said...

i will be devestated, in fact, i might walk straight out if i was to come back to the doll house and not see that sexy lamp and smokin shell man!

hey, try putting your phone in a bag of rice, it is supossed to take the moisture away

Anita Hamilton said...

LMFAO!!!! Awesome post! I love the realness, its so refreshing to see a blog other than the "overly wholesome" mommy crafting blogs (which i still like but this is better)

If only everyone would be willing to speak as freely we'd probably all have a better laugh and be happier and more enriched for it, hehehe!

.......also thats why i fucking hate phones, I have the worst luck with them and I just had to buy another one because my other piece of shit isnt working and its barely 7 months old wtf? really.

One time my sister left a mc donalds drink in my cars cup holder the night before. It sweated through and left the liquid in the holder (i had no clue) i threw the cup out quickly in a rush and jumped in the car. I always put my phone in the cup holder while driving and since this was a habit....ta da! Istant fuck up, but it gets better, i still had no clue there was liquid in it until my phone rang and i picked it up (splash....gasp.....son of bitch!) No one could hear me but i could hear i got another one (sigh) whatever!

But i feel your pain.....all the time. :0)

bananas. said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! "fucking ugly as a hat"! LOL!!!!!

sorry i shouldn't be laughing but that's one expensive hat/lampshade. the smoking shell man does steal the limelight.

hope your phone problems get fixed asap.

Anita Hamilton said...

I've just given you a blog award, hope on over and grab it if you like.

Keep up the awesome blogging!

~Anita Hamilton

kate said...

you make me laugh out loud. if only there was an acronym which would save me having to type out the words laugh, out and loud. life would be so much easier


JennyMac said...

Sorry about the phone in the bucket..that sucks. Maybe just hit the send button? LOL.

Reviews @ AnotherTeenMom said...

I seriously HATE cell phone companies. I dont see why they even need contracts. It's freaking stupid. They're just out to screw you over and milk you for every penny they can!
(my review and giveaway blog!)
(my personal blog!)

Cathy said...

Sucks about the phone and having to deal with slowy. Guy sounds like a real winner.

That lampshade is crazy. I kinda like it because it's so random.

meredith said...

omg, i freakin' love that lampshade!! bahahaha!!

and ugghh, i'm sorry about your phone. what a pain. i put my phone in the back pocket of my jeans a lot and on more than one occasion, i've drop a phone in the toilet when going to pull down my jeans. fabulous.

drollgirl said...

i see cell phone customer service is as shitty in your part of the world as it is in mine! i want to shoot myself anytime i have to call those folks. same with the cable company. and a million other places! grrr.

Christine Vi said...

Hahaha, I love how real you are! Customer service just sucks sometimes - i mean most of the time. Sorry about your mobile.

I pretend to be crafty and it's never turned out well for me, haha.

Tracie said...

I've washed 2 cell phones. It's a curse. *sigh*


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