Friday, April 9, 2010

Blogger block - like cock block, but not

I have been a terrible blogger of late!  I've got a bit of shit going on in my life... nothing too bad (everything is fine with Micko and my Billy - just some personal shit I've got to deal with).  After putting it off and trying to avoid the issue, I finally bit the bullet and have started seeing someone to get me back to the bright, happy Karls I always was... but somehow lost along the way. 

Seems I am still dealing with the grief of losing my Nan... the word depression has been bandied around and I've been reluctant to use it... but I'm certainly not myself right now, so if it has to be labelled... so be it.  Either way, I'm working through the shit and I'll be back to myself shortly.  Better out than in... right?  Oh and it's sooo not in!  I don't think I've felt my emotions so close to the surface in my entire life.

Weird... I think I've avoided posting as I've felt like a bit of a freak. I didn't want anyone to think I was some kind of emotional nutcase.  Or that I was in anyway weak - probably more the truth of the matter.  I'm a fairly strong character (as you probably already know) so the thought of me not being in control has been doing my head in.  I've now worked out that sometimes it's better to feel... than to not... If you've been around these parts, you'd know my stance on perception (and optimism)... for some reason, I just can't get myself into perspective at all right now... but I am optimistic!

Anyways... I will come through the other side.  I'd rather label my unhappiness as a little bit of loneliness and boredom.  It's certainly not been with me forever and I'll be shaking it off - if I've anything to do with it.  (I'm now hoping you're not screaming at the monitor... Denial!  Denial!)

This weekend, I'm off to Melbourne.  I'm going to spend some quality time with my family (and am trying desperately to squeeze a few good friends in - although it is hard when you're on the other side of Melbourne without a car).  My Nanna's house goes up for auction the day of my best mates wedding (next Saturday... oh and I'm going to make a super fine bridesmaid), so I need to be there for my Mum... and I'm hoping it will allow me to move on.  Being so far away has allowed me to, in a way, be removed from the grief I should have been dealing with over the past 9 months.  At the moment it's all flooding to the surface.

One last thing... I have to give props to my bitch Graffical!  She made a serious trek up here (I'm talking a 15 hour drive) to spend her birthday with me and Micko... It was only going to be for the night (hardcore!!!) but gladly, they stayed 2 nights... they were awesome fun!  Girl... you rock the kasbah!

Okay Karls... deep breath... and hit 'publish'

20 comments:

~KS said...

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all of this. Of course we will still love you and no one will think you're an emotional nutcase. Life can be overwhelming at times... just hang in there... and know we're all thinking of you and sending love and smiles your way :)

MiMi said...

Aww, I'm so sorry you have been feeling down...I'm glad you went to get help for it though. It sucks and nobody wants to admit it because it's such a pain in the ass but depression is real and it's crap. And you have to do what you have to do to get out of it.
I hope you have a great time at the wedding! And that the weekend in Melbourne goes well for you.

PinkPatentMaryJanes said...

Glad you're getting this sorted out. It's weird that we're happy to write about migraines, asthma or any other issue - but when it comes to mental health we still feel we need to get over it. Sometimes we just need that help to get over it. Dealing with grief sucks hard, I'm glad you've got some amazing people to help you.

Smart Ass Sara said...

Welcome to the Debbie Downer club! Drinks are unlimited here! :)

I totally get you- and I think everybody goes through the funk. And yes, it would be a form of depression and not all depression lasts forever. Sometimes just having a catalyst to move forward (possibly the sale of Nana's house) to get you going. And really? Would your Nana want you moping around? I highly doubt that! It's never fun or easy to lose someone you love (whether you see it coming or not) but I think the key is knowing that they would not want you to be the perpetual case of sads. It's going to be A-ok because it always is eventually. AND you have super awesome blog readers (*cough* ME *cough*) who are always ready and willing to hear a good rant. :)

meredith said...

been missing my favorite aussie! as much as i hate to admit it, i struggle with anxiety and panic disorder.. granted it stems from a lot of things that happened in my life, but it's still a struggle i will always have to deal with. i love your honestly and even more than that i love that you're taking time for yourself to work through things right now. first and foremost you need to take care of YOU. this should go without saying, but i'm thinking of and praying for you tons and you've go a lot of support here!! xo

kate said...

i think it actually takes a lot of strength to own up to and deal with problems - rather than the other way around.

props to you.

The Boob Nazi said...

I was in therapy for a year and a half for depression... Don't be ashamed to admit to it. I think a lot more people suffer from it than we think!

Madmother said...

It is called residual depression... the depression you get for a reason. It is still debilitating, and most of us will go there sometime. I did when I lost my Dad, and I did when I thought I was losing Mum.

Time with the people that love you is exactly what you need.

Hang in there mate, and know we are here to read, comment, support you in any way we can.

bananas. said...

karls, i agree. it is better to feel. i held a lot in when i was younger until it finally hit me hard as i got older. not good. the fact that your openly talking about your emotions is a good thing. hoping and wishing you the best hun. i need my karls back!

hugs and beer mugs...xoxo.

jprp said...

so proud of you xx

Sharni said...

Good on you sister. No need to be a toughie. Life has its ups and downs and just be open to your feelings as they arise don't fight 'em, feel 'em. That is what I've learnt anyway. Hope Melbourne helps xx

Cathy said...

Karls! I've been missing you, even my husband(who reads a few of my bloggy friends) wondered aloud the other day "what happened to the australian chick?". Glad to know you are taking care of yourself. Losing someone is hard and we all deal with it differently. Good luck in getting your head staight, you emotional nutcase;) (totally kidding!!) Love ya girl!

jessalyn said...

you are seriously an inspiration! i have been talking about going to see someone myself for a while now, but have yet to bite the bullet and do it.
i am rooting for you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!
this may be the kick in the ass i need to get to someone myself!!

HeatherLynn said...

can i just say, you are one exceptional "depressive"...when you can BE depressed, and still make me laugh upon reading just the Title of your post.

I <3 you, you know this.....and #1, admitting your weak makes you stronger than you think....we ALL have weak spots, we can't ALL be made of nails and grit and guts ALL the time you see....and you know, as women, our vulnerability, in a way, makes us beautiful.....we aren't the weaker sex because of it either, but think of the beauty in the fragility of women...the soft, warmness associated with our sex....

whatever you're going through, embrace it, face it and let it shape you the way all good AND bad experiences are supposed to.

you'll come out of this even better than you thought possible...personal growth always feels like it will kill you, but we always come out stronger than before, it's a painful process...and it sucks ass to be in the middle of it, but I have faith in my hardcore gorgeous Aussie lass, if anyone can get to the other side, honey, it's you.

xoxo
~hl~

"Seattle" Heather said...

Karls I'm not going to give you a bunch of banter you've probably already heard a million times over...i'm just going to tell you that, there's a chick in Seattle Washington that is thinking of you and knows you'll be okay. Chin up &
Rock on girl.

aladdinsane12 said...

you are absolutely not an emotional nutcase! anyone who is dealing with grief and stress is going to be a little out of sorts for a while. glad that you have some fun things to look forward to soon- hope it all gets better.

Tracie said...

I've not been making my usual rounds so I missed this when you first posted it. I'm sorry you've been down but glad you went for help. It can happen to anyone - please don't feel ashamed. Will be sending you postive thoughts and virtual hugs.
xoxo

Christine Vi said...

I've been missing since Thursday so I just saw this post this morning. I do hope that you are feeling better. I think we all don't want to admit the unhappy truth that something might be wrong. I've met many people who think that if they admit to depression or need counseling is a sign of weakness. But I don't agree. You realized that something was not right about yourself and you're doing something about it. It takes a lot of courage to admit it to yourself and to the people you love. You're an optimistic person and I believe that you'll get past this. No one looks down on you, at least I know I don't!

I hope spending some time with family and having a strong support from your friends and other bloggers will help too! :) I wish all the best to you!

Erin said...

I've been behind in BlogLand and am sorry I'm seeing this so late.

You are not alone. I suffer from depression and have been on a roller coaster of meds trying to find the right fit (also seeing a therapist). I've been in a funk, I'm having a hard time getting out, and sometimes it is a lonely feeling.

You are in my thoughts.

At least I'm skinny said...

Been there myself but you'll get back to normal again and will be smarter/stronger/etc.

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