I'm a realllll dickhead.

I'm still in a relative state of shock... and after much internal debate about life, death and everything inbetween, I've come to the conclusion that if and when my time is up, I'd like to have lived my life as Jonno did.  Without regrets... and with a huge set of balls (I mean that figuratively as I'd never actually seen his balls - he'd get a laugh outta that... we once joked about trading his fabulous website design skills for 'sexual favours').

Today... I searched through the garage and found some of my old school journals - I'm yet to go through them properly... although I did come accross something that was quite clearly titled 'When I Grow Up'.  Could you be more obvious universe?

 In a brief summary it said 'I want to be a dancer, but I lack confidence and believe that people with think I'm a dickhead, so I'll just think about it for now' (note; I have paraphrased - I didn't use such words as 'dickhead' back then - well, I did but outside of my parents ear shot).

On that note, and on the theme of 'looking like a dickhead', a similar theme popped up yesterday.  I had quite a vivid dream that one my brother's exe's was calling me on my mobile (an absolutely gorgeous girl... the type you envy - stunning on the outside and just as gorgeous on the inside).  It was so real that I actually got up to check if I'd had a missed call on my phone.  As I'm following up on my 'coinkydinks' I decided to let her know - quite random as we've not had a lot of contact in the many years since she and my bro broke up.

She told me that she had been in the area and had even stopped in town for the night, but couldn't find accommodation.  She thought about facebooking me, but decided against it because she'd thought it would have seemed 'weird stalker' like.  Of course, I'd never have thought that... I would have LOVED her to stop by.  We could have set up the spare room and drank cocktails on the deck till dawn (well, maybe around 11.30 cause that's kind of my limit these days).

So, what was the message?

Don't be hindered by what other people may think, perhaps?

I do this kind of thing ALL. THE. TIME!  What opportunities am I missing and what great people are passing me by because I'm scared of putting myself out there?

I've lived most of my life not doing things because I've been worried about not being good at it... because I'd look like a try hard... because I didn't want to be a burden on people...

Basically, I've lived life trying to avoid other people coming to the conclusion that I'm a real dickhead.

Whose belief is that?  Theirs?  Or mine?  (hypothetical - don't answer that one)

Now, don't get me wrong... I'm a character all of my own.  Some say I'm a little 'out there', and I'd agree to a certain extent - hell, not everyone admits to taking a bog on the beach. 

But with every passing year, I've gotten more and more precious... and more and more concern with others thoughts - and not my own.

So I'm doing something about it...

Stay tuned for tomorrow...

When I make a right dickhead of myself!