Friday, June 3, 2011

Walking the talk.

I mentioned a week or so back that I'm walking the talk.  Sometimes little steps in the right direction can make all the difference.

How am I doing that, you may ask.

I tend never to ask for anything of anyone else.  I just accept things for what they are... sometimes whinge about it a little, but generally accept it.  Maybe it's because I thought I wasn't worthy of more.  

I'm the person that wouldn't think twice if a friend rang for advice, to vent or cry on my shoulder... If someone asked for a lift to or from somewhere... If they could bunk down in the spare room for a few weeks while they sorted their shit out...  If they needed help getting ahead and I could be of any service... Guaranteed I will be there doing all that I can.  All they need do is ask - the vast majority of the time they needn't even go that far.

For some reason, in reverse, this doesn't quite work out.  I always feel like I'm going to be a burden.  That they have too much shit going on in their own lives to bother them with what's going on in mine.  My problems are minuscule and not worth bothering anyone with.  I never ask anyone to pick me up or drop me off - unless they offer.  I never ask for a shoulder to cry on.  I never ask for more than I've been offered.  And I never ask for help.

Vulnerability?  Just not in my vocabulary...

Until recently.

I've learned that if I never ask... I'll likely never get.

You may remember I recently even headed next door to ask if they had any Gravox.  Pushing the boundaries or what?!

Since that daring day, I've managed to make further progress in this field.  

 A few weeks back, after a few drops of rescue remedy and some deep breaths, I bit the bullet and asked a friend if she would drive me to the airport.  And she said 'Yes!  Of course!'.  Sure, I was super nervous - the anxiety was rife.  However, the outcome was definitely worth the sweaty palms, the increased heart rate and the knot in my throat (note; they were short lived - after I'd asked, I felt such relief!).  Not only did I confront a fear, I no longer had to spend 2 hours on a bus and a further 2 hours in the airport just because I was scared to ask for help.

Then... a couple of weekends ago Micko and I had a lovely morning at Bellingen markets.  I ordered a delish organic falafel and noticed the guy was quite stingy on the taboleh... so I asked if I could please have some more.  He said, 'Yes!  Of course!'.  No weird look.  He wasn't angry with me for asking.  He smiled and said 'Say when...'  Relief!  Micko (and I) was suitably impressed.

Last weekend when I arrived in Hobart I was so disappointed with my scary hotel room - it was cold with no heating and one blanket (hello! I'm not Tasmanian... I need more than one thin blanket when the temp doesn't hit double figures).  The room had a really scary vibe and was directly above the cover band - cranking out old tired hits with drunk people singing along at the top of their lungs - to one side was the smokers courtyard and the other a busy road... Oh and did I mention it was shit scary?  I couldn't bring myself to turn the light off and every time I almost nodded off I felt something touch my neck.  GAH!

The old me, would have stuck it out and gone home after 3 nights of no sleep with bleeding eyeballs.  The new me, stuck out the night (it was after midnight when I arrived) got up early to look into other accommodation, found somewhere much better, packed my shit and explained to reception that it just was not suitable.  And they could have cared less - I hadn't offended them, or hurt their feelings - and there was no angry confrontation.  Ahhhhh!  The relief!

Through vulnerability we gain strength.

These may seem like small things... but to me (and my post depression/major anxiety self) these represent a massive shift.

 Each small step equals big change.

Bleeding eyeballs be gone.

I'm now walking the talk...

... and kicking Anxiety's arse to the curb!


Jandy xx said...

i feel like i need to copy and paste my comments here so i dont have to keep writting virtually the same thing over and over... so karls, youre amazing, awesome, and inspirational, and on the right path, love ya guts xx

The Many Colours of Happiness said...

This is great!! Gosh, you are such an inspiration :) I can't believe how brave you're being! I definitely need to take a leaf out of your book.

Madmother said...

Oh sweet, I had no idea it was so hard. You know Boy 2 and anxiety is now a given. We live those moments, but on a smaller scale.

You are fantastic and the progress you make gives me hope for him.


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