Lost for words...

It's not often I'm lost for words.  

This morning... I am.

One fleeting moment can change everything.  Turn everything you thought you knew on its head.

One day, your life can be travelling along perfectly.  The next, it's a complete mess... 

and it is all completely out of your hands.

It makes you wonder why.  It's unfair.  It's unbelievable.  It's unthinkable.

In a fleeting moment like this, a friends life has been completely turned upside down.

And this time, I have no words.

No words of comfort.  No 'look on the brightside'.  No 'everything happens for a reason'.  Just nothing.

Cliches don't cut it this morning.

All I can give is my love and support.  

Sometimes it seems like that's just not enough.  Right now, it's all I have and is all I can offer.

From one moment to the next everything can change.  

Remember to be thankful for everything you have, and are, in this very moment...  

for in the next, it could all be gone.

Groundhog Day Enlightenment

Last night, I spent on the couch, glass of red in hand and the tele for company.  

Groundhog Day was on.  I've not seen that movie for yeeaaaarrrrrs!  

From where I presently sit in life, I see it from a completely different angle than before.  

Previously, I've been kind of annoyed by Bill Murray and I found the whole idea boring and uninspired.  I mean, of course he'll get it right in the end!  Durh!  He has had enough opportunities to turn things around.  Practise makes perfect, after all.

This time round it took a completely different spin.  It wasn't about repetition or learning from mistakes... it was all about attitude.

By changing your attitude, you can totally affect the outcome. 

When Bill is pessimistic, nothing goes right.  And everything that happens to him confirms his belief that nothing will go right.

But....

When Bill puts on his optimistic hat... 

he starts to see things not only from his perspective, but from others... 

he recognises the beauty in everything that surrounds him...

he connects and lives in the present...

he accepts and surrenders... 

then, things start to shift.

And?

Well, he finds happiness and contentment in everything...

 because he stops looking for everything to make him content & happy.  

And all thanks to a little shift in attitude.

So glad I stayed in!

Walking the talk.

I mentioned a week or so back that I'm walking the talk.  Sometimes little steps in the right direction can make all the difference.

How am I doing that, you may ask.

I tend never to ask for anything of anyone else.  I just accept things for what they are... sometimes whinge about it a little, but generally accept it.  Maybe it's because I thought I wasn't worthy of more.  

I'm the person that wouldn't think twice if a friend rang for advice, to vent or cry on my shoulder... If someone asked for a lift to or from somewhere... If they could bunk down in the spare room for a few weeks while they sorted their shit out...  If they needed help getting ahead and I could be of any service... Guaranteed I will be there doing all that I can.  All they need do is ask - the vast majority of the time they needn't even go that far.

For some reason, in reverse, this doesn't quite work out.  I always feel like I'm going to be a burden.  That they have too much shit going on in their own lives to bother them with what's going on in mine.  My problems are minuscule and not worth bothering anyone with.  I never ask anyone to pick me up or drop me off - unless they offer.  I never ask for a shoulder to cry on.  I never ask for more than I've been offered.  And I never ask for help.

Vulnerability?  Just not in my vocabulary...

Until recently.

I've learned that if I never ask... I'll likely never get.

You may remember I recently even headed next door to ask if they had any Gravox.  Pushing the boundaries or what?!

Since that daring day, I've managed to make further progress in this field.  

 A few weeks back, after a few drops of rescue remedy and some deep breaths, I bit the bullet and asked a friend if she would drive me to the airport.  And she said 'Yes!  Of course!'.  Sure, I was super nervous - the anxiety was rife.  However, the outcome was definitely worth the sweaty palms, the increased heart rate and the knot in my throat (note; they were short lived - after I'd asked, I felt such relief!).  Not only did I confront a fear, I no longer had to spend 2 hours on a bus and a further 2 hours in the airport just because I was scared to ask for help.

Then... a couple of weekends ago Micko and I had a lovely morning at Bellingen markets.  I ordered a delish organic falafel and noticed the guy was quite stingy on the taboleh... so I asked if I could please have some more.  He said, 'Yes!  Of course!'.  No weird look.  He wasn't angry with me for asking.  He smiled and said 'Say when...'  Relief!  Micko (and I) was suitably impressed.

Last weekend when I arrived in Hobart I was so disappointed with my scary hotel room - it was cold with no heating and one blanket (hello! I'm not Tasmanian... I need more than one thin blanket when the temp doesn't hit double figures).  The room had a really scary vibe and was directly above the cover band - cranking out old tired hits with drunk people singing along at the top of their lungs - to one side was the smokers courtyard and the other a busy road... Oh and did I mention it was shit scary?  I couldn't bring myself to turn the light off and every time I almost nodded off I felt something touch my neck.  GAH!

The old me, would have stuck it out and gone home after 3 nights of no sleep with bleeding eyeballs.  The new me, stuck out the night (it was after midnight when I arrived) got up early to look into other accommodation, found somewhere much better, packed my shit and explained to reception that it just was not suitable.  And they could have cared less - I hadn't offended them, or hurt their feelings - and there was no angry confrontation.  Ahhhhh!  The relief!

Through vulnerability we gain strength.

These may seem like small things... but to me (and my post depression/major anxiety self) these represent a massive shift.

 Each small step equals big change.

Bleeding eyeballs be gone.

I'm now walking the talk...

... and kicking Anxiety's arse to the curb!

The man in the leather hat...

I'm sitting in the food court of Sydney Airport.  Today did not quite go as planned.  I was to fly out of Hobart just after midday and after a quick stop in Sydney I'd touch down in Coffs just before 4pm.  

It's now after 5pm.  

I won't arrive in Coffs until around 8pm - all going well.

My flight from Hobart was delayed over an hour.  Therefore, I missed my connecting flight to Coffs - which was the last flight of the day (for Virgin).  Instead, the booked me onto the last flight to Coffs on Qantas.   

I was highly stressed... confused (no-one could tell me how or when I'd get home), irritated and bordering on tears.  Nothing was going right.  My bags were heavy, I'd left things I needed in my checked baggage, and not checked things I probably should have - I was loaded up like a camel.  I dug franticly into my handbag to grab my phone and for the life of me couldn't locate it.  So I dropped my bag on the ground to further investigate - the contents of which projectile out and spread all over the floor.  Nothing is going my way and I'm moving more and more into a total state of chaos.   

I'm flustered, people are looking at me (probably with pity) and I'm really struggling to calm myself down.  I'm beyond angry.  I am anger. 

Finally, we board.  The man I sat next to was an older gentleman, wearing a plaid jacket and a stylish hat.  He had a warm smile and after being subjected to my mad rant, said 'at least you'll get there in the end'.  

I thought about, took a few drops of rescue remedy, breathed and managed to calmed myself down.

Over the next couple of hours, the man and I chatted, the conversation headed to all things 'spirtual'.  Turns out this warm, friendly man, with the stylish leather hat, was on a very similar path to me.  We shared tales of coincidence and synchronicity, spoke of the law of attraction and the workings of the universe.  We talked of connecting (being present), meditation, reiki, books we've read and shared our journey.

He reminded me that there was likely a very valid reason that I'd been delayed.  That the reason would present itself.  He brought me back... out of my head full of anger, and into my seat, on the plane, that would eventually take me home.  After all, I was in no hurry.  I was headed home.

That reason became clear, as we stood at the baggage carousel contemplating life... 

Don't sweat the small stuff.  Let go... the stress and anger does nothing but expend valuable energy and breed more stress and anger.  Nothing goes right, because nothing can go right.  

He reminded me that I'm on the right path... that I'm learning and evolving.   As long as I stick to my truth, the lessons I need to learn will present themselves exactly when I'm ready.  

The teacher arrives when the student is ready. 

And it seems I am ready. 

 

Inspire me...

I need your help!  I want to know what kind of things inspire or motivate you...

Where do you go?  What activities do you do?  Whose blogs do you read?

Now, don't be shy.  If you are reading this, I really want to hear from you - either here, by email or on facebook.  

What inspires you?

New dawn... new day!

What a difference 24 hours makes, eh.  

Yesterday was certainly an emotional rollercoaster!  I was devastated, then indifferent, then angry, then a total nervous wreck, followed by resignation, deflation, disappointment, flatness, plenty of tears, hopelessness, hopefulness, freedom... and this morning?

Well, this morning I woke with a new perspective alongside a feeling of peace.  I'm feeling much better and have realised it's totally not the end of the world... just the closing of one chapter - there is plenty more left to go in the book.

Besides, if this is my biggest problem right now, I'm one pretty lucky lady.

There is no point stressing about things that are outside my control.  It's just a test... perhaps to see if I'm walking the talk.  And I am.  I'm learning when to fight, and when to surrender.

I started this business from nothing.  It's now something... and it's a something that has been working really well.  It has steadily grown over the past 5 years and it will continue to do so for as long as I want it to.   I'm not afraid of a little hard work... hell, that's how I've gotten this far.

I was contacted by a massive news network today (an International one at that) who want to use my agency for their Australian voice over work.  I'm so excited!  What an honour!  I've worked with some big names here in Australia... but this is a breakthrough into the international market and a real coup for the talent involved.... not to mention it's TV (sign, perhaps?).

Now, it's certainly not going to make up the difference... at this stage.  

However, it does tell me that I'm not done just yet.  

After all, you can't keep a good woman down.   

Touché Universe, Touché

This morning I had a minor breakdown.  My major client (who I've been working with for 5 years) has pulled the pin on using voice overs with their work - instead reverting back to music.  Bam!  It hit my like a sack full of rock hard shit.  The doubt, the insecurity, the worry, the anxiety... all came flooding back.  I felt physically ill... sick to the stomach and was on the verge of tears.  

To give you an idea of the magnitude - this client is my one staple.  They account for more than half of my earnings.  This is a big deal!  

The Universe is clearly testing my resolve.... and for a good hour or so I stewed and stewed and stewed.  What did this mean?  Why now?  Was it me?  Something I've done?  Did I make this happen?  The whole 'be careful what you wish for' scenario ran through my mind.

I went for a run on the beach to clear my mind and get some clarity.  A question kept popping into my mind...

Did I ask for this?

My answer?  Well, yeah.  I think I did actually.  

Over the course of the past 5 years I've not had more than one day off work - for fear of losing this client or them passing the work onto someone else.  The deadlines were stringent and work came in on a daily basis - both a blessing and a curse.  

Whenever it was most inconvenient, I seemed to get mountains of work.  I worked the day of my best friends wedding - due to tech probs that arose because I was out of my studio and in the bush for a few days.  I worked every day of my holiday in Thailand - the only proper holiday I've taken in 5 years.  Hell, I even did some work in the spare room of my Nanna's house the day of her wake.  

This was clearly not their problem (this isn't a beat up the client post), this was my problem.  I just couldn't say no... I couldn't lay down the boundaries.  And sometimes that would eat me up inside.  At times I kind of felt like they were the mean boss I've experienced in the past - they were nothing of the sort... it was myself bullying myself not to let this client down due to absolute fear of losing them.

NOW... It's time to practice what I've been preaching these past couple of months.  

Perspective, happiness, gratefulness, surrender. 

There is a silver lining to this... I'm now free to concentrate on getting this TV script off the ground.  I feel like this client was the one thing kind of holding me back.  It was security... and something I couldn't bring myself to just give away - though the thought had crossed my mind on more than one occasion.  So, the Universe has taken the decision to let them go out of my hands.

I'm so grateful to have had this client.  They have given me the freedom to follow my dreams.  They have allowed me to get my business of the ground and have taught me so much about where I am and where I want to be - not to mention who I am and who I want to be. 

By closing this door it allows others to open.  When it comes down to it, my world doesn't end with just this one client - it not life threatening.  I'm still here... alive and kicking.  

It's sounds very cliché... but everything happens for a reason.  I'm more than sure of it!  I might not have a crystal clear representation of why just now... but it will present itself soon enough.  

What I've learned?  Resistance is futile.  I'm in the river floating towards where I'm supposed to be... to fight the current would be useless.  I've just got to conserve my energy and go with the flow.  I'll end up where I'm meant to be.  

So... Universe, you've tested my resolve.  

Touché Universe, Touché

I think I've passed the test. 

The art of being grateful...

I've had this off and on sore throat for about a week now... Last night I had a shitty sleep and the rest of the cold, that I'd managed to ward off up until this point, hit with full force.  Today, it's cold, wet and miserable. I feel lethargic, snotty and to add insult to injury, I'm also riding the crimson wave (mature, I know)!

I guess I'm kind of having one of 'those days'.  Finding it hard to drag my arse off the couch to do anything!  I'm wallowing in self pity... beating up on myself for wallowing in self pity... then I'm wallowing in self pity for beating up on myself for wallowing in self pity...  

It's the kind of day when nothing is really going majorly wrong, but nothing is really going right either.

I'm not moving forward... I feel stagnant and stale.  Uninspired.

Micko rang earlier and he's had a prick of a day (perhaps it's in the stars?).  The guy he works for called him 'a bloody idiot' this morning and he almost grabbed his shit and walked out.  I've told Micko a million times before that if he's not happy, he should just walk out - and I've totally meant it.  Doors always seem to open once you allow one to close behind you.  But, when he said he'd almost walked out I felt the anxiety hit.  And for absolutely no reason - we've proved to ourselves time and time again that things always work out.  

Yep... I'm having one of 'those days'.

I'm not a fan of 'those days'.  

Negativity breeds negativity.  Once you're in that mindset, it's hard to break out of it... So things keep happening that reinforce your current mindset. 

So, right now I'm going to take a moment.  And I'm going to attempt to turn it all around.  

After all, there is so much I've got to be grateful for!  

I'm waiting on the delivery guy to drop off a parcel that I've been waiting for.... a leather jacket - which is GORGEOUS!  And it's going to be here just in time for me to pack it in my suitcase for my trip to Hobart!  My own little adventure to see what the future holds in store.  How exciting! 

I've got the opportunity to try new things... to follow my dreams!  

Everyday is different... everyday brings a new lesson, a new outlook... everyday I grow and learn...

everyday I love myself, and those around me, even more.

I wake up each morning (that in itself is a blessing).  I have a roof over my head.  I have food in my belly and clean drinking water.  I am healthy (besides a little shitty head cold - which will disappear in a day or two).  I'm surrounded by people who love me... who want the best for me... who encourage me to be the best I can be.  

I can breathe.  I can think.  I can love.  

I am free.

And I am turning this day around. 

I'm not going to concern myself with what will be - it's largely out of my hands.  

I'm not going to focus on what I don't have, what's going wrong or what's missing from my day... 

Instead, from here on in, I'm going to focus on all that I do have. 

And be grateful for every last little thing (including this pretty shitty day, which has instead been a blessing and lead me to sit here and type this post). 

How lucky (well, happy) I truly am.

Let's turn that frown upside down.

Happy-nings

Remember my series of 'coincidences' that I was blogging about?  I was on a mission to find out what my purpose was... and I was opening myself up to the universe to show me the way?

Well, a lot has happened in this last month or so.

My brain became this crazy idea making machine...  It wouldn't stop.  Idea, after idea, after idea.  None of them felt quite right... and some where just utterly ridiculous. It felt like the answer I had been looking for was right on the tip of my tongue... frustrating close.

During this time a few coincidences led me to an Angel Reading / Healing session - including reiki (ah-maze-ing - very emotional and such a release), a Creative Thinking Masterclass and to a group meditation night...  All incredible experiences that I would have missed/not-had-the-guts-to-go previously.

You may recall I was to discover my 'purpose' on the 26th April - and that although the inkling of an idea was delivered I wasn't completely struck down.  Part of it wasn't sitting right.  Then, last week I had a 'late night epiphany' only to wake up in the morning wishing I'd written it all down.  The original idea changed and grew and finally last Wednesday night while in the middle of two minutes of uppercuts at a boxing sesh, it finally struck me.  The idea I've been waiting for came to me mid-punch.

Now, I'm going to one of those fucking irritating people who puts it out there only to leave you hanging.  However, I'm not going to be a total bitch.  I'll let you in on a little secret...

I'm going to write a TV show.  

Once I'd checked in with myself and knew that TV was what I wanted to do, I did a little research to see if there are any 'Intro to TV Writing' courses... and there is one.  In Hobart. Next weekend.  In the past I've looked into doing this course, but it's never on when I'm keen or it clashes with prior commitments. 

Not only that... but I put it out there to a friend who is on the same path of self discovery as I am and we are totally on the same page regarding this new venture.  Very exciting - I've always wanted to work with her and I'm so keen to get the ball rolling.  Feels 100% right!

So... I've booked my spot... and my flights (thanks to Micko for again being one helluva supportive husband - and not asking why, just saying 'go for it') and next Friday I'll embark on the next phase of my journey - with a suitcase full of winter woolies - soooo not used to the cold (10 degrees celcius is the max on the day I land... call me a whimp but that's fucking freezing in my part of the world).  I'm super excited!

A new journey... 

and I'm sooooo ready for it!

10 things I love about me!

10 things I love about me.

I was running along the beach this arvo... heavenly day here.  Sun was shining, breeze was cool, water was luke warm.  I love winter on the Mid North Coast.... when the idea for this post popped into my head.

10 things I love about me.

I totally encourage you to have a think about it too.  It's much, much easier to come up with 10 things you don't like so much about yourself, than it is to find 10 things you love.  It's also much easier to find 10 things you love about someone else.. but that's another story altogether.

The rules are simple.... 10 things you love and no beating yourself up or justifying what you've said - no if's or but's.  Accept that there is greatness in you... without reservation.

So... drumroll please (and a few drops of rescue remedy).

1.  Loyalty.  I am a very loyal person.  If I care about you, I will stand by and support you.

2.  My hands.  I have long slender fingers and fabulous nails.  Always have - I remember getting comments on them from Grade 3 onwards.  

3.  Dedication & commitment.  If I really want something I will give it my all.  Those who never quit, never fail.

4.  My own voice.  Most people say they hate the sound of their own voice.  I love it.  Hence why I make a living from it.

5.  Exercise.  I'm so proud of my commitment to exercise - it's been part of my life for the past 3-4 years and I've kept up with a minimum of 3 sessions a week for the entire time - even on holidays.  A major achievement for me.  I know how great it makes me feel and regardless of whether I think I want to or not, I get out there and do it.  Healthy body, healthy mind, healthy soul.

6.  Self belief.  However much I've beaten myself up about my looks or my personality in the past, I've never doubted my ability to achieve what I want.  If I put my mind to something... look out!  I'll make it happen.

7.  This whole journey I'm on.  Every day I'm becoming a better person.  I'm becoming more insightful and more confident in me - the physical, the mental and the spiritual. 

8.  Understanding.  I try to see things from others perspective before passing judgement.  Everyday I get better and better at understanding that people do what they do because of where they are and where they've been.  That is not a reflection on who I am.

9.  My ability to make people around me feel at ease.  I'm a great host!  I have a house full of love and I love more than anything to share that with people.  

10.  I wrote a 10 things I love about me post... and I didn't beat up, justify what I'd written or think about what others might think even once.  I wrote honestly, openly and from my heart.

Now.... it's your turn!  

If you do it... please leave a link in the comments - I'd love to see what you come up with!

Spread the self love!