Friday, July 16, 2010

Destination? Escalation

Escalation... it's a funny thing!  And one of my best abilities (much to my detriment, in most cases).  The only positive to escalation is it indicates you have a fucking fantastic imagination!

What is escalation?  Well, it's the ability (or disability) to create a series of events in your mind - of which most outcomes are negative and self defamatory.  It creates massive amounts of anxiety... I guess it's like 'blowing things out of proportion'.  I do it... regularly!

Here is a PRIME example of how I escalate:

One of my only local friends and I are facebook friends.  One day, I jump on and think 'Oh and I should send so and so a message asking if they wanna come round for beers this weekend!' 

So, I type their name into the search box and it comes up with nothing!  I then do a search and find said friend... only she has 'de-friended' me!  What? The? Fuck?

I feel a bubble in my throat... my heart rate picks up... I start to feel a little shakey.

'What did I do?  Oh my GOD!  What have I said to upset her?  Maybe she's taken offence to a status update?  Maybe someone has told her I don't like her?  Or that she thinks I'm a snobby bitch?  Or a fuckhead loser?  I know I've been a bit weird of late!  I can't seem to relate to people anymore... I'm not funny or witty these days... If only she got to know me, maybe I could be my old self and then she might like me.  Fuck?  What have I done?'

I rack my brains trying to think of something I may have done to upset her so much that she'd de-friend me... I create a million and one reasons in my mind and for two whole weeks I feel sick to the pit of my stomach.  I now start thinking:

'What if I run into her?  She'll probably ignore me... or worse, punch me in the face.  I'll be so embarrassed.  Is she just going to confront me and I'll be backed into a corner - because I don't know what I've done?  If only I knew what I'd done, I could apologise before she confronts me about it.'

Then... one morning... I walk into the gym, pick up a pen to sign in and see her name above mine on the register.  Immediately I am struck with panic!!!  Bubble in throat, feeling hot all over, heart pounding, hands shaking.  I look up and see her... she looks straight at me... and says:

...with a big friendly smile on her face...

'Oh my GOD!  Karly!  I haven't seen you in ages!  I thought you might be here... We have to get together for beers soon!'

'Huh?  What the?  Hang on one second!  She doesn't hate me?'

No... she doesn't hate me.  She likely hadn't even thought about me during those 2 excrutiating weeks.... unlike me!  Whose pretty much dedicated the last fortnight to stress and worry.

In all the narratives I explored... I didn't explore the fact that perhaps she didn't de-friend me, that perhaps there was a facebook glitch... or perhaps one of the kids got on and deleted a bunch of people by accident.

  We don't know why it happened, but it certainly wasn't a callous and calculated move or one of revenge.  In fact, I wasn't even a fleeting thought.

Negative escalation... she's a nasty bitch from hell!

Facebook, or not... she ain't no friend of mine! 

Post Script:  I've had a couple of comments that the last line has confused some... I mean that 'escalation' is no friend of mine.  The girl on facebook is a friend both on facebook and in real life.


jprp said...

ahhh, thats what its called! been there, done that!

so, i'm going to quote the words of a wise old bird I know, because everyone of those negative thoughts you had, I could never imagine anyone ever thinking them about you....

Oh my GOD I love you! I could go on and on... but I think, today, I'll leave it at that!

love ya guts Karls, you are truly the opposite to everyone of those negative thoughts ♥

aladdinsane12 said...

god, i'm TOTALLY the same way! i take facebook stuff way too personally! i probably would have stressed to the max. but at least it ended up working out!

foxy said...

Oh my gah, I HATE when i do that... get all freaked out and then it turns out to be NOTHING.

Debbie said...

And that is why I'm not really friends on facebook with many folks I see on a day-to-day basis!

"Seattle" Heather said...

Karls...I'm so confused by your last sentence in your post it could be all the sunshine I'm finally getting that I'm not used to! So did you finally meet up and you decided you don't like her? I don't get it? I need more details. LOL

Anonymous said...

I'm confused by the last sentence too Karlz....but know what you mean about the anxiety these things can anyone could think bad of you I don't know!!xxx


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