Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hens Horror

My success with Hens nights is limited.  Many, many moons ago one of my best mates was married. We were in our early 20s - they got together when she was just a underage 16 year old drinking it up at the local (classy establishment with green carpet covered in cherries). 
Anyways... Fe is (or was) an avid John Travolta fan.  So we decided to organise a John Travolta stripper.  We wanted a fat-o-gram but at the time there was apparently no male fat-o-grams working in the Melbourne area - what a shame!  After many calls, one woman suggested a Mr. Puny.  Of course, I enquire 'what the fuck is Mr Puny?'  She said he was one of her best strippers and he was, as the name suggested, very small.  Comically the opposite of what we were after - it was daft enough it might just have worked!  I booked Mr Puny and requested he dance to 'Stayin' Alive' dressed as John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

Mr Puny shows up quite late... He also looks (and smells) as though he picked up his clothes from a dumpster and hasn't had a shower in about three months.  His outfit is NOTHING like John Travolta - in fact the only thing he got right was Stayin' Alive (which, come to think of it, we likely brought along). 

No one is laughing... everyone has their jaw dragging on the floor in horror as this disgusting man drunkedly saunters towards Fe (who is now sitting in a chair shaking with fear).  Just as he reaches her, and starts to 'dance' around her, Fe starts bawling.  She is screaming 'Get him away from me!' and crying.  We stop the music and tell him to leave immediately. 

Fe was clearly scarred from the horrific event that unfolded before her... and I felt fucking terrible as I was the one who had organised him to come (oh and I should mention we paid $250 for the pleasure - which we didn't get back, but were told we could get another stripper another night - yeah, cause the first one worked out so well - perhaps we could get one for the wedding?)

As Fe started to calm down a little, a few of us sneaked into the bar and found a Bucks Night (how is it whenever you are on a Hens there is ALWAYS a bucks around?).  We told the guys we'd give them $50 if they'd strip for us.  What a bunch of night savers!  They happily obliged... and they were a pretty good sort! 

So, yo!  I need your help!  As you can see... I've not had much success with the old Hens.  and it's my best mates Hens night this weekend.  Got any ideas for games or activities that aren't super lame - like the toilet paper wedding dress shit... argh!

Spoiler alert!

I'm really hoping my little G child don't read my blog.  She has no idea I'm actually flying down for the event.  Knowing my luck, today is the day she decides to head on over and read up. 
Motherfucker!

16 comments:

Smart Ass Sara said...

Male strippers scare me. I mean it's one thing to have junk shoved in your face in the middle of sex but it is quite another when you are fully clothed.

jprp said...

how funny! I can just see Fe sitting there freaking out! haha! hmm, as for suggestions, i an't even rememeber what games we played on mine, leave it with me, i'll ask the girls! have fun! xx

MiMi said...

I HOPE she doesn't read you today! Gah!
I have no ideas really...I was of the "lame tp dress" camp. Not on purpose, it just was whatever they had planned. LOL

meredith said...

okay, i can't think of anything good right now because all i can envision is "mr. puny." omg, i'd die.

Christine Vi said...

I've heard many horror stories for women but it seems to go well for guys.. how I hate that. Personally, I'm terrified at the idea of having a stripper.

I can think of a bunch of drinking games but I bet you have yourselves covered!

foxy said...

Mr. Puny sounds disgusting, but oddly hilarious.

HeatherLynn said...

Holy crap, talk about a backfire situation with Mr. Puny there! Oh, Karls, I feel like shit FOR you over that deal...who'd of known it would go so awry?! I mean....a smelly....drunken...midget stripper, how could that of went THAT wrong?! ;)

You poor thing!

I hope this weekend goes better....

do ya'll have "suck for a buck" shirts at your parties? I'm assuming a "hen's night" is a bachelorette party right?

I think for mine, i wore glasses that had a big penis for a nose, that was fun! lol

we went to a comedy club and then sang karaoke and had chair races with brooms! (don't ask)...it was a fun night...nearly worth getting married for! lol

~hl~

jessalyn said...

it took me a minute figure out that hen=bachelorette.
i did a spa day for my bestie- but the place turned out to be a dive. my manicure was so bad that i had hangnails on every finger for like 2 weeks after it, and they fraudulently charged my debit card $450.00. also, once i got a stripper for a friends 21st bday. he looked more like what you were looking for- straight out of the 70s (note: we were not desiring that). and he smelt like he had just "taken care of himself" before he came (no pun intended).
i don't think i can advise either.

WhisperingWriter said...

I don't have any games.

I don't do games. During my baby shower I said, "NO GAMES!"

aladdinsane12 said...

oh my god, the poor girl. that sounds traumatizing!

unfortunately, i have never been on a hen's night. i used to work at a restaurant and i would have to serve a bunch of them, though. the only thing i noticed was that everything was penis-shaped...

Erin said...

I never had a hens night/bachelorette party because I don't really like games, etc...or strippers! I'd much rather just hang out and have dinner and drinks w/ my girlfriends...maybe do some crazy karaoke. LOL!

Cathy said...

Obviously I'm too late to leave any suggestions....so I hope it went well! Mr Puny sounds scary, your poor friend:(

Amy said...

I love that you call it a hen's night!! Hope your weekend went better than Fe's hen night.

It's always been my experience that a male stripper shows up wayyyyy too eager and just wants to mush his junk in the faces of all the women in the room. Ew.

Anonymous said...

The only male strippers in Melbourne (or in the country) that can fulfill specific requests are either Aaron James or Siro.

http://www.melbournemalestrippers.com/

They are both professional sound engineers, they can put music together, costumes etc. True entertainers. Very tasteful.

I'm friends with Aaron I'll show him this, he'll probably know who it is that you requested! lol!

sammyt said...

i'll agree with Anonymous... I had searched on the net and booked a male stripper (darren)from www.hunkmania.com.au. First time doin it so didn't know any better. he arrived off his face offering us coke as he barely got in the door. we weren't interested and wanted him out of there asap so pushed for him to do his show and go. he started and about 2 min into it fell on the floor passed out. We were almost kicking him before we could get him up. Vowed never to do that again.

a couple manths later I went to another hens and came to hear male strippers were coming and ...cold shivers

the girl that booked had seen 1 of them a few times before and said it would all be fine. The got the 2 man show with aaron and spiro and .. What a difference. ther are good ones out there i guess you just have to ask and read around before booking

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