Friday, March 19, 2010

To shit or not to shit - the public toilet debate

I believe all toilets were created equal - regardless of size, shape, colour or location, they all are a glittering beacon of light to me!

I'm a social outcast... probably one of the very few of my kind.  You see, I happily take a dump in a public toilet... anytime.  My bowel are like friggin clockwork, and if I need to go, you'd better get the fuck outta my way.

In the late 90s, I was working for a major photographic retailer in the heart of Melbourne.  Each morning I'd jump on the train for my hour trek to the city.  And each morning, I'd end up halfway there with a heel shoved firmly in my arse, hair standing on end and tears welling up in my eyes.  My bowels wait for no man... or public transit network.

Once I'd arrived at work, those who'd already arrived and taken up their station for the day, would automatically yell out 'Hi Karls... Bye Karls' as I ran through the shop floor, holding my arse cheeks together, flying up the stairs and locking myself in the can for 10 minutes while I unleashed the demon.  (told you I was like clockwork - why couldn't my clock be just that 1 hour early... or late!  I'm very punctual - both in person and in poo tract)

I recall at high school, coming out of the toilets, and one of the 'cool' girls said to me; 'Karls, ummm like you should really line the bowl with toilet paper like before you take a dump.  So like we don't have to like hear the splash.'  Fucking bitch... I've got no probs with you hearing my splash - if you've got a problem perhaps you should block your fucking ears!

Smart Ass Sara actually inspired this topic... She mentioned that she never unleashes the demon at work... and I know there are a plethora of people out there in the same boat.  I just have no concept of how you can function when you need to shit.  I want that devil out of my body... asap!

Which brings me to my revelations (of which there are 2)....  I'm likely to lose the respect of you guys (and perhaps a few followers here)

Firstly:  I proudly shit where no woman dare shit - public dunnies... Shopping Centre, Service Station, Macca's, Park... wherever!  I don't discriminate Poo Chutes.  If I need go, I go.

And secondly:  I don't do the Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon... I don't cover the toilet seat in paper before gently placing my rear on the carefully placed poo tickets.  Hell, I don't have the time!  I wipe that seat clean and I plonk my fat arse straight down on that fucker. 

Disclaimer:  My only prejuidice lies in shit or piss filled bowls... and I won't sit where there are remnants of piss or shit on the seat.  If the situation is dire, I will flush, wipe and hover.

What about you?  To shit or not to shit?


MiMi said...

This is hilarious.
We have major poop neuroses in my family. By "we" I mean my husband. He refuses to go except in his own toilet. I think it's disgusting.
Do you really wanna walk around squeezing off a turd all day? No.
When I was in highschool I actually had a routine. A strict science to my pooping at school.
A certain bathroom, a certain stall in said bathroom and a certain "routine" once in said stall. In fact, I could do a weeks' worth of posting on that shit. Literally.

jprp said...

Karls, one of the many, many reasons I love you! Only you could write a whole blog, not only about pooh, but also about where and when. (actualy i can see sara doing one of these posts too!) I'm haveing a great time imagining said "cool" girls face (and which "cool" girl she was!) when she walked in after you! not having such a great time picturing piss and shit filled bowls though! ta for that! xx

Nicky said...

I too am a clockwork girl
10am and 3pm.
Being pregnant, I barely poo anymore and it makes me so so very sad.
A toilet is a toilet to me (as long as it has no wee, poo or BLOOD [yes, the chicks at my work are complete and utter pigs] on the seat!)

Lucy said...

People think I am either a fitness legend or a blogging legend for being up at 5am every bloody day.........not body just always wants to poo on schedule! As I kid I was "a clencher all day till I got home" kind of girl. Travelling cured me. Totally. My worst shitty experience was in a backstreet of Paris in a cafè toilet. Crap. Everywhere. I managed to tiptoe around the splatters and still do my relieving poo. Noice.

~KS said...

I have no qualms... if I have to go, I go. At times I will hover, but usually I will just wipe down the seat and go to town!

And the green food in my pic from today... those were scrambled eggs! Dyed green for St. Paddy's day!

Smart Ass Sara said...

Yikes. Well I'm never regular. I'm like a once maybe every 3 or 4 days gal. Which is really actually nice because it leaves me more time for other stuff. But I just cannot go in a public place. It is so dirty and foreign to me..yucky. And I will hold it. No probs. :)

MommyLovesStilettos said...

I will go anywhere except something filled with it already. But I do put toilet paper down cause it just freaks me out not to!

Erin said...

I would much rather poop at home if I can help it. But you can't always control that and sometimes there are emergencies. I love that you've blogged about it here. I definitely have issues with bodily functions (mine, not anyone else's!), so bring on the poop stories!

Brown Girl said...

Holy shit (pun intended) your stories crack me up. I prefer to poop in the confines of my own home. But ya know, shit happens. ;)

The Boob Nazi said...

I CANNOT poo in public. CANNOT. I've done it like twice, and that's about it.

bananas. said...

Oh lady if i have to go, i will go!

I much prefer crapping at home but college dorm life (aka shared bathrooms w/multi-stulls) has taught me to poop quickly. Shit and split as my friends and i call it.

I poop almost every day at work w/no shame. Again i much prefer it when no one else is in the other stalls but i'll still go.

As for publics, done it before...and willl do it again. I'm a hoverer most of time. I only wipe if its ultra necessary to sit.

Amy said...

OMG Karls! I freaking love you so much! This had me in hysterical fits of laughter!

I can poop anywhere. Doesn't bother me at all. But luckily I am also a punctual pooper and like clockwork I go every my own house. TMI?...Nah, we're mates right?

Also, your story made me remember an incident my husband had that left him traumatized. He was driving on the interstate and had to go. bad. so he stopped at a truckstop which only had one toilet. He walked in, locked the door, and exprerienced quite a sight the patron before had left. Apparently, some vile, nasty, trucker sprayed the walls with shit and didn't bother flushing. Because he was in a bind, he flushed and hovered his way through the whole experience. Poor guy, he has never quite been the same since that fateful day:(

foxy said...

Wow. We're kind of like unicorns aren't we? Believe it or not, I am JUST LIKE YOU. I have no problem pulling into a fucking service station on the side of the road to shit. Seriously. I don't give a crap. And I wipe and sit, just the same. I don't mess with the hover-round. I mean, how in the hell CAN you hover when you're taking a massive SHIT?? I don't get it. I have friends that seriously won't go anywhere but their own house and I am completely dumbfounded by it. I mean, my shit waits for nothing. When it comes, it's time and there's no waiting.

Christine Vi said...

Hahah, the only places I won't go is if there's other people's feces and pee around the toilet on the floor. I don't want to step on that. But anywhere else, yea I'll wipe and hover. Isn't it bad if you hold it in all day? Plus, aren't we in an era where we should be happy we have places to go in? Otherwise, we'd be digging holes every just to poop.

drollgirl said...

welllllllll, i'd rather not, but if the need is there it pretty much can't be denied!

Candice said...

I used to not be able to piss in public places, so I'm fairly certain you know where I stand on shitting in public. If I were about to douse my panties with dook only then would I consider it.

Queen Belicious said...

I'm with you! if I need to 'drop the kids off at the pool' I will! Public toilet, work, friends, whatever. I'm not holding that shit in (literally).

Good on you for publicly admitting it.

For you.

Tracie said...

When I was a kid I wouldn't even pee at school. The school counselor called my mother about it and there was a big hullabaloo about "the situation". After having children my body is effed up from top to bottom so now I have to go when I have to go.

Kristin said...

I've got finicky bowels...they like the privacy of their own home. ah ha ha

aladdinsane12 said...

i only do it if i absolutely MUST. even then, i have to be the only person in the bathroom, and i follow a strict set of rules (courtesy flushes and the like).

i don't cover the seat either. as long as someone didn't shit directly ON it, you're not going to get some crazy disease.

jessalyn said...

i only do it in public in emergency situations.
luckily i work in a home office sitch, so pooping at work is no bigs. which is good because once i have my coffee, it is time.
also, i need that sparkly toity.

Kellyansapansa said...

Public toilets = no.
Work toilets = yes.
Paper to stop the splash = always!

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Summer said...

Oh girl, I just love you.

I definitely don't have STS (safe toilet syndrome). I poop/pee whenever wherever!

And when at home I prefer the door open. TMI?

Cathy said...

Like you, I poop whenever and wherever I need too. When you have to go, you have to go!


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