Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Vagina Reminda

Good news is... I'm almost caught up on my invoicing!  I'd been so slack I discovered stuff from December I'd overlooked - tsk tsk!  Only a couple more to go (and thankfully they are current - not embarrassingly overdue) then I'll be back in the blogosphere and catching up with all my favourite bitches!

Speaking of overdue...  



haha No! No!  Not preggers!  Gotcha!

I'm well overdue for that delightful bi-annual event - the Pap Smear.  I fucking HATE pap smears!  I mostly hate the fact that I have to get the hedge trimmer out and attack my downstairs 70s bush (it's actually beyond 70s bush now and more like actual bush - like outback, rainforest bush... nasty).  Got an appointment this arvo and I'm soooo not looking forward to it!  

My first pap smear involved the Doc clamping open my golden snatch, then walking back to get her instruments... as she walked back towards me, a few feet away she tripped over, laughed and said 'Aren't you glad I didn't do that any closer to your beaver' (beaver may be an embellishment).   Ummmmm?  Fucking oath I am!  

Another time, the clamp pinched my precious spadger so much I had to scream.  

I'm sure I'm not alone in these hideous experiences!

Anyway...

Bad news?  If you're over due... I command you to take my lead and book yourself in TODAY!  It might be a very uncomfortable few minutes... but it's a small price to pay (considering it could save your fucking life).


Wish me... and my gutted ewok... good luck!

30 comments:

Queen Belicious said...

YOU'RE NOT MY MUM!!

Ok.. fine.. I'll go get it done soon

*grumbles*

aladdinsane12 said...

ugh, my most dreaded day of the year. does your doctor stick a big hot lamp between your legs so she can see better? it's not my favorite thing in the world.

Cathy said...

I went a couple months ago. It was the first time in 5 years. I am bad, I know. I checked out perfectly fine and have vowed to go back once a year.

Smart Ass Sara said...

I was going to save this for a later post closer to my son's bday which I probably will anyways, but this reminded me of it.

Scene: 8 months pregnant, fat and huge. Going for an exam down there where they literally fuck with the baby and what not. There are 3 med students which is fine. They have to learn, right? Two girls, one guy, plus my head nurse. The two girls go in to see how far I'm dilated. It's like a guessing game, both figure it out and don't hurt me too terribly. Guy steps up. 1. forgets to lube up hand. 2. does not use the vagina hole, he finds my ass hole and says, "dilated 0". You damn fucking right asshole I'm 0 there. So instead of saying that I politely say, "Yeah- wrong hole" to which the girls behind him start laughing. Hi. You are pre-fucking med- and you don't know the difference between a vagina and an asshole?

Nice fucking education program. Ask for a refund. :)

The Boob Nazi said...

UMM I totally posted about my first pap smear today too! How funny.

"Seattle" Heather said...

LMAO! You make me laugh. I'm so glad I read this one at home and not at work!
Anyways, this one time I yelled at my doctor to "GET OUT OF MY VIGINA!" Time was up. You're only alloted so much time in there before I've run out of patience. HA ha.

bananas. said...

Snatch, 70's bush, beaver!!! Ahhhahahahaha! You are hilarious. I'm overdue for mine as well and will be scheduling my appointment soon. Thanks for the reminder karls :)

foxy said...

I HATE that appointment too... but my doctor is pretty cute, which helps. Good luck and I hope you make it outta there alright.

HeatherLynn said...

Good luck my ovarian sister! MY cousin once had a pap test, her first one ever, she was a preachers daughter, virgin and everything....so she was REALLY REALLY NERVOUS about her first time in the stirrups. She went to a family planning clinic near campus (she was in college)....and she realized that she started to get her period the same frickin day, not knowing what to do, she called the nurse she said as long as it wasn't too heavy, she could still come in. Cousin went, and what happened...well they got her ready, and THEN...the Dr. walks in the room with a ROOM FULL OF COLLEGE STUDENT OBSERVERS! Yeah, kids my cousin's AGE! All staring at her naked nether region. cousin turns a million shades of red, tears ups.....and then is even more mortified when the dr says, OH FOR CRYING OUTLOUD, I CAN"T DO THIS YOU'RE BLEEDING EVERWHERE!

Lets just say, my virginal, sweet, little innocent adorable cousin, well, SCARED FOR LIFE!

~hl~

Erin said...

I hate going to the gyno, although after two kids it sort of becomes second nature to have your lady parts manhandled, if you will. Good luck, I hope you don't get clipped again!

Stopping by to welcome you to SITS!

Amy said...

BEST BLOG POST TITLE. EVER.

I hate going to the yuck doctor. I have an overly gentle and seemingly easily embarrassed male doctor. It's the quickest thing ever!

Still, glad it's only once a year! Blah!

~KS said...

Can I just say... you're description of past pap's had me in tears... laughing my f**kng ass off!!!
I have one scheduled for this summer when I'm home. So excited ;)

Debbie said...

For years I scheduled this on the same day I took my stuff to the accountant for my taxes. I thought I should get all the bad stuff over with at once.

hotpants™ said...

Thanks for reminding me. I'm overdue too.

WhisperingWriter said...

I actually have a pap smear on Friday.

Ugh.

Alicia (The Red Deer) said...

Hehe they are not fun - but must be done!

jessalyn said...

wait. did you say bi-annual. doesn't that mean twice a year? am i supposed to go twice a year?!
i am pretty good about going once a year, but i do hate having to shave for it. especially in the winter.
luckily i have never had any traumatic experiences. i see an older lady- she is like a mom to me, so it is a soothing experience. although calling it soothing sounds weird.

drollgirl said...

ugh. i hate hate HATE going in for this appointment. i think it has been three years, or is it FOUR years since i have done it. dreading it. i am trying to lose a few pounds before i go. that damn scale. OH I DON'T WANT TO DO IT!

i hope your visit is painless and problem free!!!!!!

Joy said...

I'm stopping by from The Secret is in the Sauce to say welcome to the community - we're glad you joined us!

Queenie Jeannie said...

My appointment is on the 11th. And I'm only going because I can't move to Italy without getting one. Stupid military....

Sandy said...

I agree, those appointments suck!

Welcome to SITS! It's great to have you in the SITStahood!

Denise said...

Stopping by from SITS to say Hi!
I am adding you so I can come back & read more!
Please stop by!
http://extremepersonalmeasures.blogspot.com

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

Karls...I can't believe I never read you either! I saw fuck and hit follow! And get that pap smear! I should know...cuz I had the big Cervical C girl!! DO IT!

Christine Vi said...

Oh I agree. It is certainly not fun. I feel like I'm being judged, haha.

Yankee Girl said...

Well, let's see....

In the past year I have been to the Gyno at least 15 times. I have a ripped vag that has needed tending to. It is not my most favorite thing in the world, but I actually like my doctor and (believe it or not) we have become girl friends. We got out for drinks together and stuff. Who makes friends with their gyno? Me, I guess.

I still don't like having a pap, but after getting stitched up without any lidocaine makes me wish I was getting a pap.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

I love this post. It's pretty much the same way I feel about stupid PAPS!!

Rachel Cotterill said...

Oh God I HATE smear tests. Some of the most painful memories I have... thankfully I only get summoned every five years.

PS yup, no TV :)

Babes Mami said...

Haha, going on the 10th. Hate hate HATE IT!

I also hate when the students are there staring at your vag like it's going to sing a song.

Stopping in from SITS!

Erin said...

This is seriously some of the best shiggedy I've ever read. OMG. I am so sad I have just now found you thanks to my other bloggy friends. I've been missing out!!

The first time I had a pap, they gave me a gown to put on. They left the room and I donned said gown. And left my panties on. I guess I was hoping they could still get all up in there without my having to completely disrobe.

At least I'm skinny said...

I'm totally ahead of you because my doc won't refill my prescription which forces me to make an appointment. Going tomorrow actually. Hope it is not as terrible as this story.

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