Karmic Adventures

Now, I'm not about to go all hippy on your arse (although my underarm hair may beg to differ), however I am about to share with you esoteric tales of other worldly charm.  (In other words, I've been indulging my spiritual self of late and am about to share with you lucky souls my experience.) 

It's been an interesting journey thus far and has taken me to the far reaches of the Coffs Coast (not that far, really but sounds intriguing (right?).  Beginning with a visit from a good Melbourne friend, Micko went to help some mates move and Kath and I spent the day in Bello doing girly shit... a vintage clothing fair, some of my favourite shops and then a trip to the insanely beautiful Promised Land - a place where the Never Never creek meanders it's way through the landscape (absolutely breathtaking and instantly relaxing).  On the way home, I remembered there was a pyschic fair on in Coffs... so we made a detour to see what our destinies held in store.

'Twas the local 'Catholic Club'... not the first place that springs to mind when you mention the words 'Pyschic Fair'!  In a dark and dingy room four psychics sat twiddling their thumbs - not a punter in sight.  From a white board we chose the pyschic that stood out the most.  I chose an older woman (aren't they all aging - I think it's a prerequisite for the job) who, amongst other 'abilities', mentioned 'Medium', 'Aura Readings' and 'Tarot'... that was enough for me to make a decision.   Kath chose a guy... The others gave us death stares!

I took up a pew, the Pyschic started madly scribbling away with her coloured pastels on a piece of photocopied paper with the outline of a body.  She pressed 'record' on her, clearly almost older than me (massive exaggeration), tape recorder.  The session began...

'I'm sensing a very strong presence... Your Grandmother...'

Chills went down my spine, hair stood on end (mainly the underarm as it's so wildly out of control) and tears started to well in my eyes.   

I was going to type out some of the conversation we had... but it would be so long I'd definitely lose your attention (and lets face it... it's almost as boring as hearing in detail someone else's dream - unless you're into analysing them of course - perhaps I might give that a go too).  

The things she went on to mention were as random as knowing how she passed, that we'd alway drink a cup of tea together, her big warm and lovely hugs, her melting moments, the Christmas pudding, her intense dislike of the word 'Grandmother' and that she was just 'Nan', that my bro and I had been discussing going to Thailand, and that I was coming into a little money (that my folks are passing on from Nan's estate)...   

Needless to say, it was a bizarre experience... whether or not her predictions will eventuate seems relatively unimportant... she helped me get one more step outside of the grief.  I actually feel like a bit of weight has been lifted.

I must also keep my eye open for a man with grey hair who will share the same work ethic and integrity as I do... and watch my nether region - not in that order, and not mutually exclusive, of course!

In other news... I'm heading to Byron for the weekend and surprising the lovely Krabes with a much deserved couple of hours in a day spa - including an hour massage... 

I. can't. wait!

I'll try not to piss in the pool... 

but I can't promise anything!

Remember to breathe

Yeah, yeah, yeah... it's been a long time between blogs.  I've been busy getting my shit together, so forgive me for my slackness.

Good news is... I've not had any further public shitting experiences - perhaps a skiddie or two in the comfort of my own home.

The good news continues too... as you know, at the moment I'm in therapy (mainly for anxiety and a few residual issues  - damn you Mum and Dad NB:  I kidd!  I kidd!)...  anypsychotherapy, I've been making some real ground and I feel like I'm finally returning to myself.  That is self righteous and all knowing. haha

Here is what I've discovered... The mind is like your spare room... full of useless fucking shit that you've held onto for years.  Mostly they serve no purpose today, although there are a few little gems in there - some you know, some you can't find and some that you didn't even know you had.  

What I'm doing at the moment is a mental spring clean... Going through the piles of crap, sorting out what I no longer have any use for (bad 90s cargo pants, a tshirt that's underarms are almost like cement, a useless belief - like you're not good enough), keeping the gold (a pair of flared jeans, some old CFM boots, work ethic or loyalty).  Then I'll sit in the room, take it all in and go on one hell of a shopping spree (picking up a leather jacket, a few scarves and some look in the mirror and be stoked with what's looking back).

These pieces of shit that hang around are generally things that helped you survive (a belief or a behavior that helped you cope with your circumstances) but we tend to hang onto these long after they are required.  Like a pair of pink and camo cargo pants, sometimes we can't bring ourselves to throw them out incase they miraculously come back into fashion.  If that is the case (hopefully it's more than 15 years away and I'm old enough and wise enough to know that I don't need 4 different styles), go buy yourself a new pair!  Seriously!  Hanging onto them is pointless - isn't it.  These behaviors become part of our internal dialogue and part of our personality.  

There is a shitload going on in my real life at the moment (all good) and my mind (working on being all good).  A busy girl must remember to breathe...  and that's what I'm working on at the moment - it's much more difficult that I'd ever imagined!

I'm off to walk my dog on the road to enlightenment!

Take care bitches!

Public Poo

Saturday morning we experienced a huge swell pounding on our shores.  We headed down the beach for our early morning stoll to discover there was no beach... just vast expanses of very angry ocean - the area which is usually sand was drenched in sea water, but was only ankle deep.  We took a walk close to the edge of the dunes... the beach was completely empty.  We saw one single other living creature while almost the entire time we were down there. 

On the way back, my morning shit hit me like a sack of bricks!  BANG!  The kind of hit that makes you jump startled with both hands grabbing for your arsehole in some futile attempt to stop the shit flying out.   We were about 10 minutes walk from the car. 

Just then, while all I've got my mind on is getting this demon out of my colon, I hear Micko yell out, 'Karls!  Move!  Karls!'.  I look behind me to see a massive surge of water heading at light speed towards me.  I tear up the small part of beach that's left and the water gushes up - thankfully only to just past my knees... Billy on the other hand?  Well, he too had run up the beach but ended up in a dip swirling around like he was in a washing machine.  Thankfully he didn't get dragged out to sea... there would have been nothing we could have done to stop him!

That took my mind off the impending borrie for around 2 minutes... Then, once again, Mr Faeces decided to rear his ugly head once more.  I remembered I had a couple of tissues in my jumper.  I ripped down my shorts and out he shot!  I wiped carefully - as I only had the two tissues - as I was around 3/4's done, I look to my left and see a young family has come down a beach track to take some pics!  Sprung!

I'm not sure what was worse...

The terrible embarrassment I felt that this family had quite likely seen me hanging a dump in public...

Or, 

walking back uncomfortably to the car with remnants of shit still clinging to my ring hole! 

Neither could be considered the greatest moment in my life...

although the shower I had when I got back was right up there!

Sesame Street GOLD!

My little bro, Grant (who incidently is celebrating his 31st birthday today - making us, for 3 months, only 1 year difference in age) sparked some memories of Sesame Street goodness with the posting of this much loved piece of rad music by the Pointer Sisters...

And the second I played it, Micko yelled out 'Lowercase n!  Lowercase n!' and I then stumbled across these couple of stirling songs.... which Micko still knew word for word.  Capitol I resonated more with my memories, but Lowercase n was very familiar. 

Enjoy!

I'm so lacking inspiration, that I've resorted to another photo montage! Sorry!

So y'all know I was in Melbs last month for my best mate's wedding.  I can finally share some of the wonderful photo's one of my great friends, Ali, took of the big day.

Check out her awesome work here:  www.alisongriffiths.com

Me, Nesh and Houghy getting stuck into the good stuff.

Likely Houghy has that look on her face cause Nesh just mentioned vaginal hygiene - and her lack there of. 

Now Houghy is contemplating if her vag could use some Femme Fresh before the evening is out.

Missed my calling?   Those sandals are rocking that outfit!

Just wafting out the musky fresh scent to prove that I have the cleanest vag in town.

What a bunch of good looking fareeks!

Not sure why... but I always try to tongue pash ol' Houghy.

Lucky bitch got a fucking exceptional day!  27 and sunshine, mid April in Victoria?  What the?

Taking a stoll down the country lane that leads to Houghy and Seeks little parcel of land - by little I'm talking 70 acres.

It's a nice day for a white wedding!

The suns sets on a glorious day!

Huh?  Trying for another tongue pash?  Surely I can land at least one!

If only I could reach!

Great mates!  They Byron crew (missing Mangine and Me)... they put something in the water up there that makes people ridiculously good looking!

Me and the love machine...

Band on the back of a truck... that's the way they do it out in the country.  Although, if I had to listen to April Sun in Cuba one more time I think my head would have spun off!

My favourite bitches in. the. world!

Linds, Mangine, The Hoff, me, Cazza and Krabes.  

The end of a perfect day and a rad fun night... and the start of another day of eating my way through any fried foods I could lay my hands on!

Happy Birthday Micko!

Oh yeah!  It's that auspicious occassion, once again... Micko is celebrating another year gracing this planet with his cool, calm and wonderful personality!

Happy birthday Sunshine! 

Photo montage time...

Me and Micko at our Melbourne farewell party.

Scuba Karls and Micko.

Snorkel Karls and Micko

Smashed honeymoon outing Karls and Micko.

Been at the club and won a shitload of meat trays and drunk a shitload of beers.

Dancing at The Hoffs wedding.

Westside Micko?

Married Micko... sorry lay-dees!

Too much blogging... not enough drinking...

Karls out!

Happy Motherfuckers Day! *kidding!!!

Happy Mothers Day for Sunday Mum! 

 (even though she doesn't read this... and thank fuck for that!  My poor Mum has put up my bullshit - especially my naughty late teen / early 20's - I look like an angel... but we all know I'm a the fucking devil in disguise!  haha)

I've just returned from driving the 100km's return trip to drop Micko off at work this morning.... two super early mornings in a row?  And I'm self employed?  Well now, that's just weird!  

One the way back, you'll have to forgive me, but I stopped in at Macca's for a drive through breakfast - Bacon and Egg McMuffin meal - includes a coffee (a McCafe coffee - just to clarify).  Usually, when I get one it's way too fucking hot!  I can pretty much peel the roof of my mouth off afterwards with my tongue - and I feel it imperative to also mention I grew up in a footy club so my mouth is quite used to placing burning hot things in it (and, no... I'm not referring to cock!  I wasn't the club whore - just ate a shitload of smoking hot pies and straight out of the fryer chips).  

I left the coffee in the cup holder that I had to ask for... damn you 1992 Camry wagon with no cup holders, central locking or electric windows (I'm kicking it old school in my shitbomb wagon - thinking a Mitsubishi Outlander with be my next major purchase - maybe before end of financial year - I gots to get me some decent deductions!).  

So, I drank the coffee not 5 minutes ago... waited the whole way home so I wouldn't end up with 3rd degree burns inside my cockhole cakehole.... and I've already had my morning dump!  Thank you coffee!

Already, I'm going fucking mental!  I literally feel like I've choked down a couple of lines - and yes, to your horror, I do know that feeling well - please don't hate me!  I'm no junky. (It has been a while, my old white friend).

I'll be lucky to get out of this morning without having eaten the insides of my mouth... or worse, with a bloody migraine!

Anycrappymcdonaldscoffee... The reason I had to drop Micko off was because we are heading up to Byron this arvo to spend the weekend with friends (and their precious little new cherub 'Liberty Grace')... and for Mothers Day (taking the Mother-in-law out for dinner).

  

So, I'd like to end this post with a little shout out (can you tell I worked in radio?  Next I'll be offering you all 'Icey cold cans of Coke'!) to all those Mummy bloggers that fly past here... whether it's every day, or once in a while... HAPPY MOTHERS DAY bitches!  

Hope you get breakfast in bed... it's the very least your husbands and little bumpers could do!

Crack of the Sparrows Arse

So, this morning I woke up at 5.10 am (ARGH! soooo not a morning person), showered, chucked on some very minimal make up (I thought I'd lost my make up on the flight back from Melbourne after my best mate's wedding and was totally pissed - mainly cause of the sheer cost of replacing it all, but also because I have one favourite eyeliner pencil, that's only about 2cm long these days, that I just can't replace - but then I spoke to Houghly last night and it turns out I'd left it at her place... it's in the post today and not a day too soon.  3 weeks without make up?  Nasty!)... yeah, so where was I?

Oh yeah... I headed into Coffs for my first Business Women's Networking meeting.  I was very nervous... you see, I'm one of those people who is loud, obnoxious and strangely charming when I'm around people I know - I've often been referred to as 'the life of the party'.  But... get me in a social situation when I know NO-ONE and I turn into a shy, wallflower with the inability to string two sentences together.  I often pretend I'm busy doing something so that people won't notice me... or really, so I don't feel like such a loner loser.  

I did manage to strike up a couple of conversations with some really fabulous women.  Afterwards, a few of us headed out for coffee.  We spoke of women in politics and business that we really admired.  Then one of the women said that she'd recognised me from Nambucca.  She lived in the next town north from here.  She was around my lovely mother-in-law's age and had mentioned that she grew up here.  Turns out... she was my MIL next door neighbour as a child!  She hasn't seen her in around 60 years!  Needless to say, I've already emailed MIL and I'm sure she will be very excited!  What a fucking small world!  (I think I just OD'd on exclamation marks)

Next on my agenda?  Joining the local community radio station and sharing some of my (mostly blocked out - due to this experience) knowledge.  

Grabbing life by the balls and making it my bitch, bitches!  Look out!

Oh and on my blog yesterday, I shared with you those fab words... After reading one of my fav blog bitches of all time, Little Moisey at Life is Banana's comment, for some reason the Baywatch theme instantly jumped into my head and I haven't stopped singing it since... problem is, I only know the first 2 lines!  Annoying!  So, yeah... thanks!  haha  ***some people stand in the darkness... afraid to step into the light... mumble mumble.. I won't let you out of my sight!  I'll be there... blah, blah, blah,.... da da don't you fear**** See I wasn't kidding!  I really don't know the lyrics.  Stuck in your head now?  

Jands... I won a voucher at this gig and it's for a high tea.  Better pack your bags again and get your super fine arse up here so we can cross that number 30 off your list (it's not the hills, so there's a small technicality)

And to Mezza... Thanks girl!  You rock the casbah.  I might not be a believer, but I believe in you (and value your support and prayers)!

Taking Control

Yo bitches!  As you know, I've been a little higgedy piggedy lately.  You may remember I started seeing a psychologist for some issues and I really feel like I am making some progress of late.

I think a bit of my anxiety and depression has been caused by my isolation and I figured it was time to take charge and do something about it.  Joining the local Wildlife Rescue organisation was the first step and it's working out great.  I've been on the phones a few times now and I must say the first time was really fucking nerve wrecking.  I'm not sure what I was afraid of... it was that intense anxious feeling you get when you're about to embark on a new job venture - when you're not really confident in your ability and feel like you're completely out of your depth.   

Of course, I wasn't... after the first 24 hour shift, I realised that it's not at all as scary as I'd originally built it up to be.  There's nothing like throwing yourself in the deep end!

So, one the wing of one success... I decided once again to bite the bullet and chuck myself outside of my comfort zone.  I booked into one of the local business women networking groups and tomorrow, a little too early for my liking, I'm heading to my first 'meet and greet'.  

Once again, the nerves are high... but to hell with it!  I'm giving it a crack!   If all goes well, I'm considering trying to start something a little more locally.   

I'm going to leave you with a bunch of words that once passed the lips of one Nelson Mandela (originally written by Marianne Williamson)

it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other
people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

____________________________________________
I feel I must mention I'm am by no means a religious person (spiritual, yes... religious, no).  It actually feels a little strange to have the word God on my blog, considering I'm not a believer.  This verse, however, works for me.

Wish me luck!  I'm going out and grabbing life by the balls.

useless shit I've bought - part 3

I have quite possibly saved the best for last!  This is what happens when I decided I want to do something. It all starts with a crazy hankering to learn everything there is about it.  I then go full steam ahead and buy anything I think I might need.  I have very good intentions of putting all the stuff I've purchased to use... but instead, they sit and gather dust for the rest of my lifetime (while Micko points them out every now and then and hangs major shit on my stupidity).

Here is what happened when I wanted to go back to the late 70s and become a craft queen of Macrame!

I visited every op shop in the vicinity and collected a bunch of mags and books on crafty shit.

Anyone for Macrame?  Looks rad... but just too much hard work.  Well, actually I wouldn't know!

Ugly foot made an appearance.  

I don't know if you can see the dude in the middle... he is wearing the ugliest vest I've ever seen... but he certainly looks happy in it!

And just to remind you of how fabulous I am at craft... 

And that concludes the series of 'useless shit I've bought'.  Hope you found it somewhat enlightening.  I must also mention that I have a vast collection of unread Edward De Bono books - including a pack of cassettes further explaining the Six Thinking Hats.  In my defense, I did try to listen to them....... once.