Busy Thai-mes ahead!

So much exciting stuff going on... studio is looking good - getting carpet down in a couple of weeks - then it's finito!

Also, sometime ago, I mentioned I'd been to see a psychic and that she mentioned my bro, starting with D, and I had been talking about a trip to Thailand.  She told me it would happen...

And, guess what?  It has... finally! 

We booked and paid last Friday and it's all systems go!  My bro, his wife, Micko and I are headed to Bangkok for a couple of nights, then off to Koh Samui for about 10 days.  My bro is in the final stages of finishing off his PHD so this is going to be a big celebratory trip - and perhaps a 'making babies' trip (not between me and my bro - you sick, sick fuckers). 

Micko and I have not had a proper holiday (a short trip to Melbs is not what I consider a 'holiday') since our honeymoon - which is now over 4 years ago.  I'm soooooo ready to get away - I'll still be taking work with me... but that's cool... should be fairly minimal (although it never seems to work that way).

What else have we got on?  Well... going to Sydney to see Muse in a few weeks... got 5 rad bitches heading up to the Gold Coast to spend the weekend with me - look out!  A 30th, Christmas (the first at our place with Micko's family), New Years (with my cousin from Perth and Crazy Times Mel), two Melbourne weddings... then jetsetting off to Thailand the first week of March.  Busy times! 

Things are certainly good in my neck of the wood.

Peace bitches!

Dr 'Black Dog' Jekyl and Mr 'Black Dog' Billy

I've been hearing this song a bit lately.  Lisa Mitchell is one of my guilty pleasures.  Not that she's at all embarrassing... not like BROS (my first cassette) or Taylor Dayne - Can't Get Enough of Your Love (my first CD single).  It's just that Micko doesn't buy into her at all - or any kind of folky music.  So, I'm left to listen to her in my own time and own space - like driving my car, or while he's at work.

Anyways... I like it because it sums up in a song where my head space has been over the past year.  Thankfully, I have managed to kick the old black dog away and now, next time it comes creeping into my backyard, I'll be better equipped to recognise and deal with it.

What I have noticed throughout this journey is that so many people don't get it at all.  They want to make excuses for you.  They can't believe 'you' could suffer from depression. They have no concept of how you could be functioning at all... Why aren't you crying all the time?  Why aren't you in bed all day?  

And I get that... I think at some point I may have even been looking at things from their perspective.

Coming out the other side, I've also noticed how all encompassing depression really is.  At the depths, and after being diagnosed, it was all I could think about, all I could talk about.  I was totally in it... and it was all around me.  Nothingness, numbness, confusion and sadness (if I could break through the nothingness, numbness and confusion).

See, for me, the worst part is not being in control.  The black dog decides itself when it's ready to move on.  The choices you make do help it on it's way... but you can't just magically make it disappear. 

Countless hours on the therapists couch, the support of the people I love and a little hard work did the trick.  I can feel again... happiness and sadness.  Emotion truly is a great gift.  A gift I won't be taking for granted any time soon! 

It is true what they say... in order to feel the highs, you have to have known lows.  I'm not at all saying 'you have to suffer from depression to understand what happiness is'.  Not at all (in fact, in it, I knew neither sides of the coin) - but you definitely need to experience sadness in order to recognise happiness. 

And for me, now I know that the lows kick arse over the nothing at all.  These days I'm not supressing my emotions for anyone... I now believe that people should be encouraged to cry, not have to apologise for it. 

Because what it boils down to is... if you can't cry...  you can't laugh either.

Hate breeders

As you should all know by now, my pet hate is racism.  It disgusts me on sooo many levels.

I don't know many racists... or, if I do, they tend to keep their mouths shut around me (and for good reason - I'm like a fucking lion with a dart in it's paw)... maybe I live in my little bubble of acceptance, rainbows and unicorns - and when I say acceptance, I mean of all people regardless of colour, sex, religion or sexual persuasion - oh except of course racists - but I'll delve more into this later.

Anyuneducated bogan... I'm aware that I'm likely no better than these people with their small minded views.  Perhaps I'm making assumptions... perhaps they are good people, with good hearts... that just dislike people purely based on their skin colour or language (yes... although I'm serious there is a slight twang of sarcasm there). 

Last night, while perusing the corners of facebook, a 'friend' (or rather a guy I went to high school with who added me with a 'you might not remember me...' note attached) updated his status with the following, and I quote;

'At work and playing spot the aussie and guess what i cant fucking find 1 we have england india chinese italian cyprus and thats just 2 name a few we shouldnt be called australia we should be HALF BREED CITY its not like im a racist but when they talk in there own language it pisses u off speak ENGLISH 4 crying out loud'

Fab grammar, English and punctuation there!

I find myself wondering whether he, in fact, uses English as his first language? 

Regardless... that. is. despicable!!! 

I found myself shaking uncontrollably - from anger and disgust.  Is this not 2010?  I had no concept that people like this still existed. 

I made a comment that I thought it was a backwards and racist thing to say... that at some point we were all immigrants to this country and at the end of the day we are all made of skin and bone, we eat, breathe and shit... and for that I was hung from the cross and crucified by the 'racist bogan brigade '(a good mate of mine said 'romper stomper debating team'). 

Afterwards, I spoke to one of my best mates, who is a teacher.  She was just as horrified as I... she told me a story of one of the students at her school (we are talking primary school here).  A young Tongan boy, who has moved around quite a bit from school to school.  He told one of the Sudanese boys to 'Fuck off, n-word'.  For which my mate give him a solid talking too.  He later says, 'I hate Asians... My Dad hates Asians... I don't even like them looking at me, makes me feel sick'.

Is that the kid, of 10 years old, talking? 

Absolutely not!  They are his fathers words... his fathers beliefs. 

Unfortunately... racists breed racists. 

As a child, although disturbing, it's not the childs fault.  They only know what they know... they know what they are taught. 

As an adult...  At what point do you access your beliefs and take responsibility for your actions? 

I've been doing this myself over the past few months.  Asking myself, is that my voice I hear in my head?  Or is it someone elses?  Does this serve me today?  Do I still need that belief or am I better off without it?

This person/these people, need to take a good long hard look at themselves.  How would they like their children to be persecuted for the way they look, the way they speak, what they eat, who they pray too? 

What makes one person better than another? 

(note; the irony of this statement is not lost on me - but I do have an answer...)

The answer... in my humble opinion;

Humanity, understanding and tolerance.

Creation Station

Before you continue reading this post, I think you really need to have a look at this post.

My studio, or dungeon of hell as it was refered to, is still being transformed and I can't wait to show you guys what it looks like - but I can't find my fucking camera's battery charger and my phone has no camera.  So, instead, I'll take you on a tour of the mind.

The 3 major walls have been insulated and plastered.  Micko built me a fabulous new sound proof recording booth... with a beautiful door... and yesterday I started painting.  I've picked a bright lilac and teal blue.... the purple walls are ready to go - just got the teal ones to go, which I'll be sinking my teeth into tomorrow.

Cornice goes up over the weekend and carpet in the next few weeks.  Then, it will be finito!

Already the space feels solid, cleaner (even though there is shit everywhere) and really creative.  I'm so freaking excited watching it all come together into my own little creation of space.  All mine! 

And just look what I got as my 'whiteboard'...

Not my office - although it's going to look fab here for sure!  Check out all the rad chalkboard decals at this kickarse Etsy store.

What makes it all the more perfect is that the lightbulb is part of my logo... remember?

Perfection!

In other news... tonight Micko and I are having an early anniversary dinner - we'll be flying to Melbs for a wedding on our actual anni.  It's at our fav local restaurant 'The Jaaning Tree' and it's a 6 course menu!   OH. MY. GOD!  How the hell am I going to fit it all in... here is the menu... so you can die of envy.

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Canapes and bubbles on the deck.

Seared scallops with black pudding and cauliflower puree.

Chilli and Vietnamese mint squid with avocado and a strawberry vinegrette.

Oxtail Terrine with confit onions and an Illawarra plum sauce.

Beef roulade filled with fetta, pinenuts and seasoned with oregano served with salad and a wattleseed sauce.

Dessert tasting plate - white chocolate and pistachio nut mousse, lemon myrtle chilled custard and a chocolate and macadamia nut slice with lillipilli cream.
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Mmmmmm... have a good weekend!

Having a whale of a time!

I've just returned from my daily walk with Billy down the beach.  It's a glorious day here today... mid 20s, sun is shining, skies are blue and the ocean is gleaming turquoise.  Stunning!

I was thinking to myself (and I tend to do a shitload of thinking on the beach), I'm down here almost every day, either running or walking with Bill, and during the past 18 months I've not seen a single whale.  Word is, the last couple of seasons, they have been staying quite a distance away from the shore... hence, not too many sightings in this neck of the woods.

Anyways... as I turned around to walk back something caught the corner of my eye.  It was only a couple of hundred metres out from shore and it is quite windy here today, so my initial thought was 'oh it's a windsurfer'.  But then... I saw a big splash... and an even bigger Y shape flying up towards the horizon.  That's no windsurfer... it's a whale!

This whale was having an absolute whale of a time (pun intended).  It frolicked around while I made my way back.  Tail flicking up into the air... then it's huuuuuge body jumping out of the water and crashing down into the turquoise waters below.  Truly incredible!

I felt blessed... and so lucky to be living in this breathtaking corner of our wonderful planet.  Sure, there are times when the isolation is suffocating...  I whinge about this town catering for the unemployed and the elderly only... or when the lack of decent amenties and shopping does my absolute head in...

And then... I have an experience like I did just now, and I wouldn't dare live any other place on earth.  I feel connected to Mother Nature here and I'm ever so grateful!

Vaginamite

Any of you rad as fuck fellow Aussies out there - this blogs made for you (this blo-oo-ogs, made for you...  Anyone else remember the Swan Lager ad from the early 80s?  Just me?  Okay bitches... way to make a woman feel old.)

I've said it before... for the most part I'm a proud Aussie.  I say things like 'G'day mate', 'fucking oath', 'deadset', 'fair go', 'dunny', 'my shout', 'arvo', 'flat out like a lizard drinking'.  Some might even go as far to say that I have a little 'bogan' in me. 

**Disclaimer** - there are also things that make me not so proud... but I've been there before once, or twice.

I love beer, barbies (especially when there are chicken sauso's involved), the beach, meat pies, the footy (Aussie rules of course - go Tiges), Tim Tams, our wildlife (hence working with WIRES), lamingtons, the look of pavlova (not a real fan of the taste) and, of course, vegemite!   (affectionately known as Vaginamite... kind of like eating radioactive waste mixed with road tar on toast - for those who haven't tried it before - but waaaaay fucking tastier!)

So, imagine the sheer delight when the one and only Peter Alexander announces a line of Vegemite PJ's!
 I. had. to. have. them!

Check 'em...

Image found here...

I got the ones good ol' Pete is decked out in. (just the pants... too much of a good thing can in fact be, well, too much!)

 Oh you're spewing now, aren't ya mate!

I'm starting with the (wo)man in the mirror...

Most days I'd wake and look in the mirror and wouldn't like a single thing that's staring back at me.  It was a rare day that I'd be even slightly impressed. 

I'd beat myself up about my wrinkles, my grey hair, my moustache, my double chin, my thin eyelashes, my face cellulite (does anybody relate to the face cellulite??).  And that was just my face!  If I were to write a list of things that I didn't like about my body, I'd be here until the very end of time.

Let's just say that I'm not my biggest fan (physically - I actually do like myself as a person - quite a contradiction and I'm aware of that - but that's just the way it is... at this moment).

Surprisingly, this comes as an utter shock to most people I tell.  On the outside I seem so confident... and *shudder - their words not mine* attractive.

One thing I've come to realise is that the way I see myself, certainly isn't the way others see me.  Now, I'm no supermodel or oil painting - but I'm not the hideous monster that looks back at me from time to time. 

I'm me!  And I am beautiful... the sooner I embrace that, the better (oh I'm working on it).

Why is it that we are sooooo fucking critical of ourselves, but not of others?  (Well... I am - I can't say this relates to everyone because everyone hasn't had the same experience or belief system as I do - but I'm sure there are quite a few of you out there!)

See, the thing is... regardless of who you are, what you look like, what you've been though... there is someone out there that looks up to you.  Someone who wishes they could be as brave, strong, emotional, free, happy, slim, pretty, tall, big boobed, small boobed, arsey, funny, creative, smart, witty (I think you get the picture) as you are. 

I propose that each day... you tell at least one person, who wouldn't expect it, something that you admire about them. 

And if you are lucky enough to be at the receiving end of such a compliment, that you accept that compliment graciously.  Don't question it... Just accept it.  The truth shall set you free - as one would say.

Go forth and compliment,  people!

Spring has sprung...

There has to be something said for spring... and it's close association with new life and regeneration. 

I feel like I'm turning over a new leaf (pun intended) and starting anew. 

I've had a rough trot the past 6 or so months (mentally) and now I've emerged out of a dark and long tunnel (which I'm so grateful was a tunnel, and not the deep shit hole I'd originally thought it to be).  I'm renewed... and ready to once again grab life by the balls and run with it.

When I started this blog I called it Karlosophies for a reason... I wanted to share stories and my philosophies - lessons I'd learnt, situations I'd been in, where I've been and where I'm going. 

Over the past few months, it's been pushed aside while I got my shit together and immersed myself in 'the real world'.  I'm not sure I'm back for good... but I'm here now - and it's exactly where I'm meant to be.

There are things shifting in Karlsville.  Change is in the air... Now is the time I need to refocus on the good things.  Let this be known... I'm taking the time to shine.

I'd love for you to join me!

Message in a (found on the side of the road) book...

So, y'all remember Micko found a book on the side of the road that he brought home to give to me.  It was 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and I wondered what poignant message it contained.

Well...  a strange thing occurred.  I found myself asking what was the message?  I mean, I get that it's all about living your life to the full... loving every moment and appreciating the people in your life.  That's a great message in itself, but it's nothing new.

Soon after I finished my Nan popped into my head.  I started to feel a little guilty about the 2nd last time I saw her.  It was my brother's wedding and I was sitting next to her.  Sometimes my Nan lacked tact - well, okay... a lot of the time!  But I found it one of her most endearing qualities.  On this occassion, however, I was quite short with her.  I was doing a speech and was a little nervous and my usual patient persona went out the window.  I guess it's plagued on me a little... more than I realised.

I also remember her breath... it smelt weird.  Nan wasn't a stinky breath kind of person, but this night it really did smell.  Which was another reason I didn't really want to talk to her.  I felt like I should have known that she had liver cancer from her breath alone - kind of ridiculous, I realise.  But if I'd said something, maybe things would be different... she'd have gone to the Docs and they'd have picked it up much earlier.

For a full day, it pretty much consumed my mind.  I felt wrecked with guilt that I hadn't appreciated her as I usually would.  That night, something really strange happened... but first, I have to go back to her funeral.

As I'm a bit of a show pony... and a pretty good public speaker (if I do say so myself) I was asked to do her eulogy.  Possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life... but something that I really wanted to do.. and do well.  She would have wanted that.  I asked all my cousins if they wanted to speak, or had anything they wanted me to put in my speech.  My cous Jules, mentioned that just before Nan had passed, she had been having a talk with her about death.  Nan had said, 'Whenever you need me, I will be there... in your dreams'.

So back to that night.  I slept and I dreamt vividly of Nan.  She told me she was happy and free and to never feel guilty over anytime we'd spent together.  That she had loved me dearly and would always be there.  Then I woke up... to hearing myself say 'Nan!  Nan!' and crying my eyes out.

I'm not sure if it was just my subconcious playing out in my dreams... or if she was really there.  I'd like to think it was the latter.  So, Tuesday with Morrie did have a rather poignant message for me.  Death separates us from loved ones physically, but they will always, always live on in your heart, your mind... and when you need them... your dreams!

...and the ratshit, slackarse blogger award goes to...

Yep!  If there were an award for the ratshit, slackarse blogger... no contest... it's me!

What have I been doing?  Well, a little partying, a lot of working, a little rescuing wildlife, getting my shit together and basically living my life. 

I've had some good times over the past few weeks... and one absolute meltdown.  I wanted to pack up my shit (and Micko's), put the house on the market and move back up north.  But I realised that I've done that quite a bit in the past... moved because I though the grass was greener, only to discover it's exactly the same shit brown colour as the place I left.

Speaking of grass being greener... I'm featured on my bloggy buddy Sharni blog today.  On health and fitness... head over and check me out in all my glory (sorry, no nudity - I know... you're disappointed!)

This weekend, I'm off to Brisbane to see Powderfinger with a bunch of my old Byron mates and I'm sooooo looking forward to catching up and having a few beers.  But more exciting is the shopping factor!  There is nothing here.... NOTHING!  I'd buy clothes online but my massive cans make that pretty much impossible.  So look out Brisvegas clothing stores... (and Ikea) Karls is coming to getcha!