So I've been off the radar for a week or so now... Sadly, Nanna passed away on Friday the 13th - I felt a mixture of relief and happiness (strange, right?). You see, when I last saw Nan in the flesh, I told her I'd see her in November - she said 'I hope so' and I said 'No, I will Nan'. I'd thought perhaps she'd been holding on to prove that she could do it. I didn't want her to be in pain anymore and the thought of her lying there - floating in and out of consciousness - was heartbreaking. I was relieved and happy that she was no longer suffering... that she was free of her illness.
I was flying down to Melbs for my best mates sisters wedding (I was shooting it) and was due to fly back home on the Monday. I extended my stay in Melbs to be at the funeral (Thursday). It's been an emotional rollercoaster the past couple of weeks... Happiness, relief, sadness and grief. Sometimes I'm not sure if I'm coming or going... I've felt emotions filling me up to the brim, followed by numbness.
Overall I accept that she's gone and I'm happy she's no longer in pain. I take great comfort in thinking of all the good times we had together - the love, happiness and mutual admiration we shared. I'm very lucky to have had, not only a great relationship with her but, 32 fabulous years - and now a lifetime of great memories. I will, and do, miss her terribly... but I feel her with me and I know she's somewhere out there, dancing to Tigerland with Granddad.
A quick series of coincedences reminded me she will never be far away:
She lived at 13 Elm St (yes... Nightmare on Elm St) - which was struck down by lightning in the mid-late 80s...
She passed on Friday the 13th - coincidently the very same day her (our) hero, Matthew Richardson (Richo, heart and soul of our precious Tiges) hung up his boots.
When we checked into our hotel room in Mansfield, we got room 13.
After a few pre-wedding beers with the wedding party, friends and family, Micko and I hung around to play pool with the boys. Micko and I got bigs... and on the table there were 4 (yes 4 - instead of one) orange numbers 13's.
Micko and I looked at each other and laughed - we are sure she was letting us know she was there.
I did the eulogy on behalf of all the Grandkids and I can honestly say it was one of the hardest moments of my life to date. I got through it, got a few laughs (Nan would want more laughing than crying) and enjoyed the rest of the day hanging with cousins in Nan's backyard - sitting back, drinking a few cold ones and sharing stories of happy days.
I honestly thought I'd have time to catch up with people, but I spent the time with Mum or working (oh yeah... my work is like a child - never leaves me alone but worth it regardless). I did manage to catch up with some girlfriends at the wedding, my cousins at the funeral and my girlfriend, Fe on the Friday night before flying home - but that was it (sorry to all I missed). I've also decided I'm allergic to Melbourne. The second I got off the plane to the second I got back on, I had an itchy nose, sneezing and itchy all over - bloody hayfever!
So, I'm back home... trying to get back into the swing of things. I've arrived home with a chest infection and a killer sore throat (fucking fabulous affliction when you're in my line of work) and consequently am feeling very bleh. No gym yet (making me feel even more bleh) and I'm carrying around this feeling of nothingness. I think I'm just in a bit of a funk right now... but I'll pull through and be feeling much better tomorrow - I guarantee it! No one is perfect, least of all me... and thankfully these shitty days are very few and far between! I've so much to be grateful for - great life, love my work, awesome friends, hellawicked family and super kick arse Micko and Billy - but sometimes (sometimes) I need to remind myself of that - this is one of those days.
I'll be back... bigger and brighter... tomorrow! Or perhaps even this arvo - might have to post some wedding pics.