Great photo of the wonderful Lily... bad, lazy eye shot of me! But, hey... we both look blissfully happy - and we were!
I'm feeling a little blah today... It's my Mum (and my best mates birthday today) and my Nan is not in a good way. They aren't sure how much longer she'll hold out... and her daughter (my Mum) celebrates her birthday keeping a bed side vigil. You know, sometimes life ain't fair, there's no doubt about that. On the upside, I'm so thankful I've had 32 good years with this wonderful woman... and she's shared her glorious and loud personality with this earth for over 83 years. I'm also very glad I got to say goodbye on my last flying visit to Melbs. If you haven't read about Nan - do so here.
The saddest thing about it is her quality of life at the end. She lies in bed, sleeps and wakes momentarily to talk incoherently - mentioning my Granddad (which only strengthens the theory that there's not long to go). And that is truly the saddest thing... She was so vibrant and full of life and you never expect someone like that to go down - the bigger they are, the harder they fall.
So, while I'm here wishing this wasn't happening, I'm also thinking (and this might sound horrible) I'll be glad when she is gone. I love this incredible lady with all of my heart and it's heartbreaking to think of her in pain. If I could have her here forever, fit and well, I'd do anything in my power to make it happen. If I could rid her body of the cancer that's eating her alive, you know I would.
But, in order to have life, you must have death - it's these extreme opposites we experience, throughout this thing we call life, that make us know we are alive. To know happiness, you must know sadness... To recognise the light, you must experience the darkness.
Life and death brings a great deal of selfishness (an integral part of human nature). For me, well I think its selfish to want to keep someone here for your own sake... and keeping my Nan alive for my own selfish reasons is unfair - unfair to her and unfair to me. I believe my Nan deserves a dignified exit from this world. That's all I want for her - to go out on her own terms... but that's not going to happen. So, instead I hope that she finds peace, happiness and love (with my Granddad and others that have passed) on the other side.
Besides, I know she'll never be too far from me... You see, I've mentioned I don't believe in God before... but that does not mean I'm not spiritual - I am. I often feel my Granddad's presence and I believe as long as they live on in your mind, their spirit lives within you.
I'm heading down to Melbourne on Thursday for a mates wedding and I'll be taking my work gear with me... better safe than sorry. I'm guessing, unless some miarcle happens and my Nan recovers, I'll be bidding my sad farewells to her and her time on this planet.
And with that comes a lot of sadness... but just that little bit of happiness...
Happiness to know she'll be free... happiness to know that I've loved her as much as I could... happiness that she leaves me with some very special memories... happiness that everytime I've seen her, we've shared stories and plentiful laughs... happiness that I've been there for her in the hard times and happinesss that she's been there for me in return...
Plus happiness that one day, we'll meet again - and on that occassion there will be no goodbyes.