Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Stupid Shit - part 1

When I was younger, so much younger than today-ay...  Okay, enough of The Beatles, let's get down and diirty.

When I was younger... I was a walking, talking, 90s cliche of a late teen.  I was insecure, got into fights and binge drank like a trooper!  The only thing I wasn't doing was having sex (well intercourse) - that didn't happen till I was 18 and a half (I can't actually believe that one myself).

I wore ripped jeans, brown cardigans and Chuck Taylors, Vans or Visions.  I had super long hair that parted in the middle (clean though - I hate the feeling of dirty hair).  Spent my days wishing I was hard core enough to shoot heroin like Kurt (but smart enough to know not to) and listened to anything loud - the louder the better (that still remains the same).  I was angry and had the teen angst thing down pact.

I thought I'd share one story from my youth with ya'll... please don't hate me!  I'm quite a different person these days!  There are plenty more to follow down the track - I've got a vault full of nasty surprises from my past.  Sometimes I don't even recognise the old me - scratch that... make that ALL the time!

So:

I was dating a guy who was SUPER hot... We'll call him 'big cock' (for obvious reasons - two in fact - he had a big appendage and he was a cock head).  Big cock spent his life trying to push my buttons.  He was a chronic flirter and was forever trying to drill into my head that he was 'too good looking for me'.  Wanker?  Oh yeah... but the sex was amazing (he was my first).

He instigated quite a few of my finer moments... one in particular?

Well, he'd been flirting with a girl from school.  It was 2 of my best mates 18th birthday party and I was the lead singer in the band that was playing.  My girlfriends organised a band to come on briefly before us (we were the headliner) but these guys were show ponies just kept on playing... and playing... and playing!  As I got more and more pissed off... I got more and more pissed (the drunk variety).  Big cock was already way smashed!  He started to tell me how hot this chick was and how she'd been making a move (now, I'm sure it was in his imagination - but then, I wanted to fucking kill this girl).

By the time we (the band) got on stage, I was soooo drunk I couldn't even talk (let alone sing)... We broke up that night (the band, not me and Big cock - although I probably should have ended it there and then).  So, I'm soooo mad at the first band, my disbanded band (FYI we were called Non Sobriety - how hardcore!), the girl and Big cock, that when Big cock and the girl head outside, I follow them, grab my empty stubby (a beer for those not Aussie) and smash the end off on the concrete.  I then run at the girl screaming, 'You're fucked now bitch!  I'm going to stubby you!'.

Of course, I didn't  - my bark was much worse than my bite.  My girlfriends came running out to calm me down and I think I might have even apologised (and possibly spewed later on).  That night, Big cock came home and had spew convulsions (from the lovely blend of illegal drugs and bourbon he'd consumed), then my dog ate it.  Gross!

So there... Now you know what an arsehole of a teen I was... still wanna be friends?

21 comments:

Kristin said...

I don't even wanna think about the amount of arsehole moments that I had as a teenager.

Sharnanigans said...

ummm where is the unfollow button. Scared. of. being . stubbied. haha just kidding... i think.... I was a binge drinking madwoman myself.

KLaw said...

You rock my world with our without teen angst and big cocks :)

bananas. said...

Hahahaha! Guy sounds like a big ol' dick...you should've dumped him long before by making a move on the other band's lead singer. Hot or not it would've pissed him off.

And dont worry, i was a virgin til i was 18.5 too. Was about to wait til marriage til i realized i fuckin hate marriage. Ha!

Adorably Distracted... said...

lol i would have shit my pants if i was that girl! lol

I forget about anything before 18... lol

Kellyansapansa said...

Hmm - I need some time to absorb this. I'll let you know of my decision by COB Friday.

:P

Alicia said...

do i still want to be your friend?? shoot , we would have been BFF's!

drollgirl said...

well great. now i can't stop thinking about BIG COCK!

Melissa B. said...

I've got a few tales to tell, myself. Everyone in the blogosphere should have a day to share stories like this. Confessional Sunday? I don't know, it might work...

LiLu said...

TWINSIES.

And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Elissa said...

LOL. I really hope there are more of these stories to come!

Nicky said...

Now I want to see photos!

I find the word "Stubbied" funny, personally I call it a good old glassing.....

Asshole moments are fantastic

Queen Belicious said...

"I'm gonna stubby you" shall now me my new threat to all those who cross my path!!

I think most of us did some stupid messed up shit in out angst years (i had that down pat too). And hey, its makes us the rational, well adjusted adults we are today (Ohhaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhheeeheheheheheheheheheheh oh man.. )

Brown Girl said...

God you were such a dick. You should meet my sister, you and her could have been BFF. Ha, I still like you though! ;)

kate said...

holy shit. am i allowed to say that's funny? i am sure it makes you cringe - then again, you've blogged it so at least you can laugh at yourself.

"i am going to stubby you". hahaha. never heard that one before yet it strikes me as so damn australian.

♥Aubrey said...

Haha...i was hoping you were going to say you puked on him and kicked her arse :)-

Jenni said...

Awesome, a bad ass chick with a broken beer bottle weapon. You definitely gained yourself some street cred.
I was just talking about the grunge years last night with my husband-He seemed to have blocked them from his memory.
Frankly, I don't blame him, the whole baggy flannel shirt thing was not the sexiest moment in fashion history.

Cathy said...

That is crazy! It will not make me unfollow...in fact it makes me want to read more! And has convinced me that I should tell my New Years eve story...it would be tame in comparison! (it's mostly about poop)

Amy said...

Seriously? I heart you even more now!

You kick ass!!!

WhisperingWriter said...

Awesome.

It's okay, I was a bit of a brat as a teen so it's all good.

kys said...

I was a little older than you in he 90's but I still had a hell of a lot of fun. I call that time period The Awesome Years.

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