Lifes little lessons

My darling Jandy did a beautiful post on lessons she's learnt throughout her life... I even got a mention - thanks lover!

Got me to thinking... What are some lessons I've learnt the hard way?  What would I pass on to people to help them avoid some of the embarrassing situations I've found myself in?

So here are '10 of lifes little lessons'... with a Karls twist;

1.  Jumpsuits (a) - while they look kickarse, most require a visit with the Mother-in-law's sewing room in order to actually get into them.  Might be my huge cans?  They just seem never to have enough room to get both my tits and my arms in.  Lesson?  Adjust before you wear - or you could find yourself in a toilet for over half an hour trying to work out how you got yourself in the bloody thing before you hit the town!

2. Jumpsuits (b) (yeah - I love jumpsuits) - always check that your not actually sitting on part of your outfit when you take a wee after 2 bottle of champas.  It's disasterous and quite difficult to explain why your back is saturated and perhaps a little on the pongy side!

3. A sanitary pad does not replace a trip to the toilet - it's not a nappy people!

4. Keep mouth shut when your dog sniffs another dogs privates - elderly women do not appreciate 'Dog 69er' jokes.

5. Wear sunscreen... Not only does it help combat premature aging, but it also hinders a brazen red and white cleavage... and lets face it, nobody likes a lobster - unless they make a fabulous frozen Cosmo.

6. On special occassions - you should really attend to those outta control 'koala ears' prior to flashing your box at people.  While you might find koala's soft and cuddly - the reality is they are generally quite scary and aggressive animals with chlamydia.

7. A jumbo bag of white choc raspberry bullets does not make menstrual pain go away... it does, however, make your jaw feel like you've been gutsed on the disco biccies at a 2 week long rave.  You'd think I learn - but I do it ev.ery. month!

8. Test the waters when meeting new people.  Hold back - at least for 5-10 minutes. Keep in mind that some people aren't quite sure how to take stories about shitting yourself in public.

9. Who am I kidding?  Jump right in... if you're not a nasty bitch and what you're saying isn't going to hurt anyone's feelings, don't feel you have to apologise for or hinder your outlandish behavoir.  Go for it!

10. Sometimes less is more... prime example; this post!

Afgan Womens Writing Project

A fabulous blogger and rad fellow Aussie has taken on a mammoth task to raise awareness and funds for the Afgan Womens Writing Project. 

She's a yo-yo exerciser and is working up to running 5k's non-stop on January 8th.  This is no small feat for the very busy Sharni! 

She's up against quite a few obstacles...

Finding time, overcoming the urge to lie around under a fan, injury, raging dry heat, rain followed by humidity, locusts and dirty gross flies, and wind... oh the wind (not of the arse variety - but you never know) - just to name a few.

Now, not only does she have a huge heart... She is also a total hottie... A fabulous mother... A talented writer with a heart of gold... 

And when she gets a bee in her bonnet, she's like a friggin bull in a china shop (well... a little more focused than that - but I think you get the point I'm trying to get across - if not, she's relentless in her quest).

I suggest (well actually, it's more of an order than a suggestion!) you get your fine arses over to http://www.sharnanigans.com/ and pledge your support... if you can't spare the cashola (which is a reality for many around this time of year) the least you can do is help to spread the word (and it doesn't cost you a cent).

It's a very worthwhile cause... so what are you waiting for? 

Woofmas Spirit

Getting into the Christmas spirit!  Today I bought a little tree and decorated it.  Micko and I have spent 7 Christmas' together and we've not once had a tree - ahhh the benefits of moving around so much.  Thought we'd get into the spirit this year.

So... to kick start the first weekend of December I thought I'd kick it up a notch.

Decided it's my work Christmas party tonight...

Last minute and very easy considering it's just me and Billy here (and Micko - he can be counted as an employee with all his recent hard work renovating the studio)!

Celebrating with some ginger beer beer (like beer with ginger beer - Bluetongue - it's good shit actually!)

Billy all dolled up and ready to party...

We are both wearing matching outfits so you should be super grateful it's just the two of based in my studio!

Office Dares

Got an email today that had almost need to change my grundies!  Usually I don't pass these things on, but I couldn't resist...

Although, it wouldn't work so well in my 'office'... makes me want a proper job (for all of half of a half of a half of a second).

Office Dares

One Point Dares

 1. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

 2. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

 3. Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

 4. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

 5. While riding in an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

 6. When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.

 7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."

 8. Don't use any punctuation.

 9. Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.

 10. Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.

Three Point Dares

 1. Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

 2. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

 3. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

 4. Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.

 5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

 6. Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.

 7. Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.

 8. Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any p*rnography web sites.

Five Point Dares

 1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

 2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

 3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".

 4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

 5. When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''.

 6. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.

 7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"

 8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"

 9. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

 10. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.

 11. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.

 12. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

 13. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

 14. Sign or pp all letters with your initials and a swastika.

 15. Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight".

Too good not to share in this rainy Friday arvo - when beer o'clock can't seem to come around quick enough!

PS.  I have been known to do the 3 point dare - No. 1 on occasion (to my boss... being myself... in the mirror) but don't hold that against me!

Busy Thai-mes ahead!

So much exciting stuff going on... studio is looking good - getting carpet down in a couple of weeks - then it's finito!

Also, sometime ago, I mentioned I'd been to see a psychic and that she mentioned my bro, starting with D, and I had been talking about a trip to Thailand.  She told me it would happen...

And, guess what?  It has... finally! 

We booked and paid last Friday and it's all systems go!  My bro, his wife, Micko and I are headed to Bangkok for a couple of nights, then off to Koh Samui for about 10 days.  My bro is in the final stages of finishing off his PHD so this is going to be a big celebratory trip - and perhaps a 'making babies' trip (not between me and my bro - you sick, sick fuckers). 

Micko and I have not had a proper holiday (a short trip to Melbs is not what I consider a 'holiday') since our honeymoon - which is now over 4 years ago.  I'm soooooo ready to get away - I'll still be taking work with me... but that's cool... should be fairly minimal (although it never seems to work that way).

What else have we got on?  Well... going to Sydney to see Muse in a few weeks... got 5 rad bitches heading up to the Gold Coast to spend the weekend with me - look out!  A 30th, Christmas (the first at our place with Micko's family), New Years (with my cousin from Perth and Crazy Times Mel), two Melbourne weddings... then jetsetting off to Thailand the first week of March.  Busy times! 

Things are certainly good in my neck of the wood.

Peace bitches!

Dr 'Black Dog' Jekyl and Mr 'Black Dog' Billy

I've been hearing this song a bit lately.  Lisa Mitchell is one of my guilty pleasures.  Not that she's at all embarrassing... not like BROS (my first cassette) or Taylor Dayne - Can't Get Enough of Your Love (my first CD single).  It's just that Micko doesn't buy into her at all - or any kind of folky music.  So, I'm left to listen to her in my own time and own space - like driving my car, or while he's at work.

Anyways... I like it because it sums up in a song where my head space has been over the past year.  Thankfully, I have managed to kick the old black dog away and now, next time it comes creeping into my backyard, I'll be better equipped to recognise and deal with it.

What I have noticed throughout this journey is that so many people don't get it at all.  They want to make excuses for you.  They can't believe 'you' could suffer from depression. They have no concept of how you could be functioning at all... Why aren't you crying all the time?  Why aren't you in bed all day?  

And I get that... I think at some point I may have even been looking at things from their perspective.

Coming out the other side, I've also noticed how all encompassing depression really is.  At the depths, and after being diagnosed, it was all I could think about, all I could talk about.  I was totally in it... and it was all around me.  Nothingness, numbness, confusion and sadness (if I could break through the nothingness, numbness and confusion).

See, for me, the worst part is not being in control.  The black dog decides itself when it's ready to move on.  The choices you make do help it on it's way... but you can't just magically make it disappear. 

Countless hours on the therapists couch, the support of the people I love and a little hard work did the trick.  I can feel again... happiness and sadness.  Emotion truly is a great gift.  A gift I won't be taking for granted any time soon! 

It is true what they say... in order to feel the highs, you have to have known lows.  I'm not at all saying 'you have to suffer from depression to understand what happiness is'.  Not at all (in fact, in it, I knew neither sides of the coin) - but you definitely need to experience sadness in order to recognise happiness. 

And for me, now I know that the lows kick arse over the nothing at all.  These days I'm not supressing my emotions for anyone... I now believe that people should be encouraged to cry, not have to apologise for it. 

Because what it boils down to is... if you can't cry...  you can't laugh either.

Hate breeders

As you should all know by now, my pet hate is racism.  It disgusts me on sooo many levels.

I don't know many racists... or, if I do, they tend to keep their mouths shut around me (and for good reason - I'm like a fucking lion with a dart in it's paw)... maybe I live in my little bubble of acceptance, rainbows and unicorns - and when I say acceptance, I mean of all people regardless of colour, sex, religion or sexual persuasion - oh except of course racists - but I'll delve more into this later.

Anyuneducated bogan... I'm aware that I'm likely no better than these people with their small minded views.  Perhaps I'm making assumptions... perhaps they are good people, with good hearts... that just dislike people purely based on their skin colour or language (yes... although I'm serious there is a slight twang of sarcasm there). 

Last night, while perusing the corners of facebook, a 'friend' (or rather a guy I went to high school with who added me with a 'you might not remember me...' note attached) updated his status with the following, and I quote;

'At work and playing spot the aussie and guess what i cant fucking find 1 we have england india chinese italian cyprus and thats just 2 name a few we shouldnt be called australia we should be HALF BREED CITY its not like im a racist but when they talk in there own language it pisses u off speak ENGLISH 4 crying out loud'

Fab grammar, English and punctuation there!

I find myself wondering whether he, in fact, uses English as his first language? 

Regardless... that. is. despicable!!! 

I found myself shaking uncontrollably - from anger and disgust.  Is this not 2010?  I had no concept that people like this still existed. 

I made a comment that I thought it was a backwards and racist thing to say... that at some point we were all immigrants to this country and at the end of the day we are all made of skin and bone, we eat, breathe and shit... and for that I was hung from the cross and crucified by the 'racist bogan brigade '(a good mate of mine said 'romper stomper debating team'). 

Afterwards, I spoke to one of my best mates, who is a teacher.  She was just as horrified as I... she told me a story of one of the students at her school (we are talking primary school here).  A young Tongan boy, who has moved around quite a bit from school to school.  He told one of the Sudanese boys to 'Fuck off, n-word'.  For which my mate give him a solid talking too.  He later says, 'I hate Asians... My Dad hates Asians... I don't even like them looking at me, makes me feel sick'.

Is that the kid, of 10 years old, talking? 

Absolutely not!  They are his fathers words... his fathers beliefs. 

Unfortunately... racists breed racists. 

As a child, although disturbing, it's not the childs fault.  They only know what they know... they know what they are taught. 

As an adult...  At what point do you access your beliefs and take responsibility for your actions? 

I've been doing this myself over the past few months.  Asking myself, is that my voice I hear in my head?  Or is it someone elses?  Does this serve me today?  Do I still need that belief or am I better off without it?

This person/these people, need to take a good long hard look at themselves.  How would they like their children to be persecuted for the way they look, the way they speak, what they eat, who they pray too? 

What makes one person better than another? 

(note; the irony of this statement is not lost on me - but I do have an answer...)

The answer... in my humble opinion;

Humanity, understanding and tolerance.

Creation Station

Before you continue reading this post, I think you really need to have a look at this post.

My studio, or dungeon of hell as it was refered to, is still being transformed and I can't wait to show you guys what it looks like - but I can't find my fucking camera's battery charger and my phone has no camera.  So, instead, I'll take you on a tour of the mind.

The 3 major walls have been insulated and plastered.  Micko built me a fabulous new sound proof recording booth... with a beautiful door... and yesterday I started painting.  I've picked a bright lilac and teal blue.... the purple walls are ready to go - just got the teal ones to go, which I'll be sinking my teeth into tomorrow.

Cornice goes up over the weekend and carpet in the next few weeks.  Then, it will be finito!

Already the space feels solid, cleaner (even though there is shit everywhere) and really creative.  I'm so freaking excited watching it all come together into my own little creation of space.  All mine! 

And just look what I got as my 'whiteboard'...

Not my office - although it's going to look fab here for sure!  Check out all the rad chalkboard decals at this kickarse Etsy store.

What makes it all the more perfect is that the lightbulb is part of my logo... remember?

Perfection!

In other news... tonight Micko and I are having an early anniversary dinner - we'll be flying to Melbs for a wedding on our actual anni.  It's at our fav local restaurant 'The Jaaning Tree' and it's a 6 course menu!   OH. MY. GOD!  How the hell am I going to fit it all in... here is the menu... so you can die of envy.

________________________________________

Canapes and bubbles on the deck.

Seared scallops with black pudding and cauliflower puree.

Chilli and Vietnamese mint squid with avocado and a strawberry vinegrette.

Oxtail Terrine with confit onions and an Illawarra plum sauce.

Beef roulade filled with fetta, pinenuts and seasoned with oregano served with salad and a wattleseed sauce.

Dessert tasting plate - white chocolate and pistachio nut mousse, lemon myrtle chilled custard and a chocolate and macadamia nut slice with lillipilli cream.
_____________________________

Mmmmmm... have a good weekend!

Having a whale of a time!

I've just returned from my daily walk with Billy down the beach.  It's a glorious day here today... mid 20s, sun is shining, skies are blue and the ocean is gleaming turquoise.  Stunning!

I was thinking to myself (and I tend to do a shitload of thinking on the beach), I'm down here almost every day, either running or walking with Bill, and during the past 18 months I've not seen a single whale.  Word is, the last couple of seasons, they have been staying quite a distance away from the shore... hence, not too many sightings in this neck of the woods.

Anyways... as I turned around to walk back something caught the corner of my eye.  It was only a couple of hundred metres out from shore and it is quite windy here today, so my initial thought was 'oh it's a windsurfer'.  But then... I saw a big splash... and an even bigger Y shape flying up towards the horizon.  That's no windsurfer... it's a whale!

This whale was having an absolute whale of a time (pun intended).  It frolicked around while I made my way back.  Tail flicking up into the air... then it's huuuuuge body jumping out of the water and crashing down into the turquoise waters below.  Truly incredible!

I felt blessed... and so lucky to be living in this breathtaking corner of our wonderful planet.  Sure, there are times when the isolation is suffocating...  I whinge about this town catering for the unemployed and the elderly only... or when the lack of decent amenties and shopping does my absolute head in...

And then... I have an experience like I did just now, and I wouldn't dare live any other place on earth.  I feel connected to Mother Nature here and I'm ever so grateful!

Vaginamite

Any of you rad as fuck fellow Aussies out there - this blogs made for you (this blo-oo-ogs, made for you...  Anyone else remember the Swan Lager ad from the early 80s?  Just me?  Okay bitches... way to make a woman feel old.)

I've said it before... for the most part I'm a proud Aussie.  I say things like 'G'day mate', 'fucking oath', 'deadset', 'fair go', 'dunny', 'my shout', 'arvo', 'flat out like a lizard drinking'.  Some might even go as far to say that I have a little 'bogan' in me. 

**Disclaimer** - there are also things that make me not so proud... but I've been there before once, or twice.

I love beer, barbies (especially when there are chicken sauso's involved), the beach, meat pies, the footy (Aussie rules of course - go Tiges), Tim Tams, our wildlife (hence working with WIRES), lamingtons, the look of pavlova (not a real fan of the taste) and, of course, vegemite!   (affectionately known as Vaginamite... kind of like eating radioactive waste mixed with road tar on toast - for those who haven't tried it before - but waaaaay fucking tastier!)

So, imagine the sheer delight when the one and only Peter Alexander announces a line of Vegemite PJ's!
 I. had. to. have. them!

Check 'em...

Image found here...

I got the ones good ol' Pete is decked out in. (just the pants... too much of a good thing can in fact be, well, too much!)

 Oh you're spewing now, aren't ya mate!

I'm starting with the (wo)man in the mirror...

Most days I'd wake and look in the mirror and wouldn't like a single thing that's staring back at me.  It was a rare day that I'd be even slightly impressed. 

I'd beat myself up about my wrinkles, my grey hair, my moustache, my double chin, my thin eyelashes, my face cellulite (does anybody relate to the face cellulite??).  And that was just my face!  If I were to write a list of things that I didn't like about my body, I'd be here until the very end of time.

Let's just say that I'm not my biggest fan (physically - I actually do like myself as a person - quite a contradiction and I'm aware of that - but that's just the way it is... at this moment).

Surprisingly, this comes as an utter shock to most people I tell.  On the outside I seem so confident... and *shudder - their words not mine* attractive.

One thing I've come to realise is that the way I see myself, certainly isn't the way others see me.  Now, I'm no supermodel or oil painting - but I'm not the hideous monster that looks back at me from time to time. 

I'm me!  And I am beautiful... the sooner I embrace that, the better (oh I'm working on it).

Why is it that we are sooooo fucking critical of ourselves, but not of others?  (Well... I am - I can't say this relates to everyone because everyone hasn't had the same experience or belief system as I do - but I'm sure there are quite a few of you out there!)

See, the thing is... regardless of who you are, what you look like, what you've been though... there is someone out there that looks up to you.  Someone who wishes they could be as brave, strong, emotional, free, happy, slim, pretty, tall, big boobed, small boobed, arsey, funny, creative, smart, witty (I think you get the picture) as you are. 

I propose that each day... you tell at least one person, who wouldn't expect it, something that you admire about them. 

And if you are lucky enough to be at the receiving end of such a compliment, that you accept that compliment graciously.  Don't question it... Just accept it.  The truth shall set you free - as one would say.

Go forth and compliment,  people!

Spring has sprung...

There has to be something said for spring... and it's close association with new life and regeneration. 

I feel like I'm turning over a new leaf (pun intended) and starting anew. 

I've had a rough trot the past 6 or so months (mentally) and now I've emerged out of a dark and long tunnel (which I'm so grateful was a tunnel, and not the deep shit hole I'd originally thought it to be).  I'm renewed... and ready to once again grab life by the balls and run with it.

When I started this blog I called it Karlosophies for a reason... I wanted to share stories and my philosophies - lessons I'd learnt, situations I'd been in, where I've been and where I'm going. 

Over the past few months, it's been pushed aside while I got my shit together and immersed myself in 'the real world'.  I'm not sure I'm back for good... but I'm here now - and it's exactly where I'm meant to be.

There are things shifting in Karlsville.  Change is in the air... Now is the time I need to refocus on the good things.  Let this be known... I'm taking the time to shine.

I'd love for you to join me!

Message in a (found on the side of the road) book...

So, y'all remember Micko found a book on the side of the road that he brought home to give to me.  It was 'Tuesdays with Morrie' and I wondered what poignant message it contained.

Well...  a strange thing occurred.  I found myself asking what was the message?  I mean, I get that it's all about living your life to the full... loving every moment and appreciating the people in your life.  That's a great message in itself, but it's nothing new.

Soon after I finished my Nan popped into my head.  I started to feel a little guilty about the 2nd last time I saw her.  It was my brother's wedding and I was sitting next to her.  Sometimes my Nan lacked tact - well, okay... a lot of the time!  But I found it one of her most endearing qualities.  On this occassion, however, I was quite short with her.  I was doing a speech and was a little nervous and my usual patient persona went out the window.  I guess it's plagued on me a little... more than I realised.

I also remember her breath... it smelt weird.  Nan wasn't a stinky breath kind of person, but this night it really did smell.  Which was another reason I didn't really want to talk to her.  I felt like I should have known that she had liver cancer from her breath alone - kind of ridiculous, I realise.  But if I'd said something, maybe things would be different... she'd have gone to the Docs and they'd have picked it up much earlier.

For a full day, it pretty much consumed my mind.  I felt wrecked with guilt that I hadn't appreciated her as I usually would.  That night, something really strange happened... but first, I have to go back to her funeral.

As I'm a bit of a show pony... and a pretty good public speaker (if I do say so myself) I was asked to do her eulogy.  Possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life... but something that I really wanted to do.. and do well.  She would have wanted that.  I asked all my cousins if they wanted to speak, or had anything they wanted me to put in my speech.  My cous Jules, mentioned that just before Nan had passed, she had been having a talk with her about death.  Nan had said, 'Whenever you need me, I will be there... in your dreams'.

So back to that night.  I slept and I dreamt vividly of Nan.  She told me she was happy and free and to never feel guilty over anytime we'd spent together.  That she had loved me dearly and would always be there.  Then I woke up... to hearing myself say 'Nan!  Nan!' and crying my eyes out.

I'm not sure if it was just my subconcious playing out in my dreams... or if she was really there.  I'd like to think it was the latter.  So, Tuesday with Morrie did have a rather poignant message for me.  Death separates us from loved ones physically, but they will always, always live on in your heart, your mind... and when you need them... your dreams!

...and the ratshit, slackarse blogger award goes to...

Yep!  If there were an award for the ratshit, slackarse blogger... no contest... it's me!

What have I been doing?  Well, a little partying, a lot of working, a little rescuing wildlife, getting my shit together and basically living my life. 

I've had some good times over the past few weeks... and one absolute meltdown.  I wanted to pack up my shit (and Micko's), put the house on the market and move back up north.  But I realised that I've done that quite a bit in the past... moved because I though the grass was greener, only to discover it's exactly the same shit brown colour as the place I left.

Speaking of grass being greener... I'm featured on my bloggy buddy Sharni blog today.  On health and fitness... head over and check me out in all my glory (sorry, no nudity - I know... you're disappointed!)

This weekend, I'm off to Brisbane to see Powderfinger with a bunch of my old Byron mates and I'm sooooo looking forward to catching up and having a few beers.  But more exciting is the shopping factor!  There is nothing here.... NOTHING!  I'd buy clothes online but my massive cans make that pretty much impossible.  So look out Brisvegas clothing stores... (and Ikea) Karls is coming to getcha!

You shit me to tears...

Things that shit me to tears:

1. When the phone rings and I've either...

    a. Just stepped foot into the shower.

    b. Started brushing my teeth.

...and when I reach the phone, the fucker hangs up.

This happened to me not 20 minutes ago.
 Tip people:  If you are ringing someone and the answering machine kicks in, wait until just before the beep if you are going to hang up.  Give the poor prick time to at least reach the phone. 
Or... here's a novel idea... leave a fucking message!  You obviously rang for a reason!
Thankfully, most times, with a mobile I can see who it is... even if I can never, ever find my phone (regardless of how small and tidy my handbag) in time - yes, this also shits me to tears.

2. When the person rings back and it's really not someone you feel like talking too

- or even like for that matter. 

(This JUST happened)  Especially when they crap on and on and on... and you've got shit that needs to be done... but they won't get off the phone no matter how many times you tell them you've gotta go.

Gotta go... I'm in a world of monthly pain!

And thanks to that arsehole, I'm waaaay behind in work.

Oh and I have one last, late edition!

When you're interupted on the shitter and only get to do a half arse job wiping your arse... to reach the phone in time and have it be a fucking telemarketer!!!  Hello, arsehole!  My ring is now stinging and unclean... and I'm the fucking Do Not Call Register!

Message in a... random book?

Most night I read... although since we got Pay TV installed, I've swapped that for eps of Hollie's World, Kendra, The Hills, The City, LA Ink... I could go on, but I think you get the idea (that is, I should be watching less fucking TV and reading more fucking books).

I've always been an avid reader, but when I hooked up with Micko I stopped reading.  Mainly because he'd be going to sleep and I'd have to have the light on - didn't want to annoy him.  Now that we've been married going on 4 years, I feel it's my duty to annoy him.

Anyways... last night as we were getting ready for bed, Micko tells me he found something that I'd love.  I was intrigued.  He threw something at me... a book... 'Tuesdays with Morrie'.  I look at the book... and at Micko - a little confused. 

He says, 'You know... Tuesdays with Morrie... remember?'

Confusion...

'Karls... it's Tuesday with Morrie.  You know... Oprah?'

Hahaha!  Seriously?  Micko finds some random book... and it's one that, somehow, he remembers he once saw Oprah talk about.  For the record, I can't actually remember Micko ever watching Oprah.

I drop the book... kind of disgusted.  Micko knows the deal...

'Karls... it's clean!  Look at it.  I reakon it's been read once... if that'

He's right... besides a bent marker page it's in pristine condition.  I breathe a sigh of relief.

So, I wonder what important message this book contains for me.  It must have some kind of a poignant message (for either me or Micko) or he wouldn't have just 'happened' upon it - well that's my theory.  I'll let you know what I discover.

Oh and in other news... do you know what a bush turd smells like?  I think it has kind of a distinctive smell - perhaps the stench of desperation (because you sure wouldn't be taking a bush dump unless you where about to self implode). 

I just cranked out a housebound crapola and it had the sweet scent of a bush job - not anywhere near roses, let me tell you!

Surprise Facial - no sperm involved... sorry!

I've just returned from a deliciously fabulous facial.  Devine!

Back in the day, in the months prior to our wedding, I'd go to see my favourite girls at Michaela's in Brunswick Heads for a weekly facial and AHA peel.  I loved it!  So relaxing... and I felt like I glowed after - well, I kind of did (with all the moisture put on my face). 

This was when Micko was working on the highway upgrade and was bringing in the big biccies.  We'd gorge ourselves on treats... like facials (well I did anyway) good wine, oysters and yellowfin tuna, and eat out once a week.  I felt like a queen back then.  I can vividly remember the feeling....

...and I can feel it returning.

This isn't because of our financial situation... but because I'm really starting to feel good about myself.  I'm getting back into running on the beach for an hour 3 days a week and putting in at least 3 sessions at the gym.  I'd lightened up substantially because I wanted to be okay whether I worked out.. or I didn't.  I wanted to stop beating myself up... which I think I'm really getting the hang of lately.

Anyradfacial... I wanted to share a fucking hilarious tale of my last facial.  I think I may have blogged on it at the time, but I definitely didn't share all that happened.

I booked in... first time in about 3 and a half years.  I'd seen this woman before to have my eyebrows done and she wasn't too bad, so I thought I'd give her facial a go. 

The facial went for well over 3 hours... yes... 3 FUCKING HOURS! 

While this may sound like the ultimate facial at this point... let me assure you it wasn't.

Now, the woman is a lovely person.  She constantly calls me 'beautiful girl'... in fact, she pretty much ends every sentence with 'my beautiful girl' or 'gorgeous girl'.  This would be okay.. if not endearing in most circumstances... but this woman does. not. shut. up! 

For 3 excrutiating hours I lay looking up at her really trashy roof art collage (I'm not quite sure what she was thinking when she pinned that thing to the roof.  It had to have been during the mid nineties at the very least) while she spoke barely stopping to take a breath! 

All of a sudden I heard her kind of sniffling... I thought she must have been coming down with a cold or something. Then, I felt drops of water on my face.  Tears?  Yes... Tears.  She was crying!

Now, I'm not being a nasty arsehole bitch here... Hell, I'm working my way through depression and anxiety, so I'm no stranger to crying at inopportune moments... lets face it, I've become quite accustomed to it of late.  

However, I paid good money... and I mean good money... for an experience that should have been relaxing and totally enjoyable.  Instead... I'm lying on a fucking table, looking at some trashy homemade art work, for over 3 hours, while my beautician talks incessantly and cries on me.  Oh and she at one stage pissed off to the post office for 20 minutes while I had a mask on.

Good news is... today was completely the opposite!  New beautician... who has a general rule of no talking during the facial, a lovely clean and inviting workplace and not a single tear shed (except from me when she was extracting my gross blackheads). 

I'll be treating myself once every 6 weeks... after all, I totally deserve it - perhaps not the pain element of extractions.. but the rest, fo shiz!

Birthday... Bitches

It's my 33rd birthday on Sunday... ARGH!  Where have the past 15 years gone? 

Good news is... my favourite bitch in the whole world is coming to see me to celebrate!  Now, this is no small feat!  She is coming just for the night... and it involved not one, but 2 flights... about a 4am wake up call too! 

In honour of her super radness... Please indulge yourselves in the following photo montage!

Me and my bitch at my old home 'Barwon Heads'... Miss that place.  I, as per usual, have to do something immature to ruin the shot - aka. picking a winner.

BDO '08.  Oh Big Day Out, my dear friend!  Where the hell did that kick arse visor and sunnies go?

The Hoff's engagement... we were ROTTEN!

Back in the day... perhaps New Years 01-02?  We went camping and ended up seeing in the New Year at the local Fire Station - after stumbling in and a good mate wowing the Firies with his mad breakdancing skills.  The Hoff got dressed up for the occassion.

My 22nd birthday!  11 year ago?  Surely not!  80s party... it was still the 90s (that's how forward thinking I am!)

Me riding The Hoff in the middle of Lygon St.  Unusual?  For most... yes.  For me?  No.

Ahhh Meredith Music Festival... How we love thee... shall we count the ways?  MMF 2000

Another Meredith escapade!  My mate used to own the pub... here we are after hours.  This is what happens when 2 young girls are left behind a bar with no supervision.

The Hoff turns the big 3.0!

Oh my... stay classy Karls!  Oaks Day... many, many moons ago!

Another Oaks... older... but no more mature!

The Hoffs Hens... Dude!  The beer is empty... and it's seriously about your 17th.  Put down the beer, take off your whore outfit and go to fucking bed.

Keeping it real of The Hoffs wedding day.

Maybe I'll have some pics to share come Monday... might even have a tale or too.

Have a good weekend... and Happy Birthday to Me!

Oh and we'll also be celebrating one year since my bambino Bubbalishy Billy came to live with his new parents... us.

Happy birthday Bubbsy!

Destination? Escalation

Escalation... it's a funny thing!  And one of my best abilities (much to my detriment, in most cases).  The only positive to escalation is it indicates you have a fucking fantastic imagination!

What is escalation?  Well, it's the ability (or disability) to create a series of events in your mind - of which most outcomes are negative and self defamatory.  It creates massive amounts of anxiety... I guess it's like 'blowing things out of proportion'.  I do it... regularly!

Here is a PRIME example of how I escalate:

One of my only local friends and I are facebook friends.  One day, I jump on and think 'Oh and I should send so and so a message asking if they wanna come round for beers this weekend!' 

So, I type their name into the search box and it comes up with nothing!  I then do a search and find said friend... only she has 'de-friended' me!  What? The? Fuck?

I feel a bubble in my throat... my heart rate picks up... I start to feel a little shakey.

'What did I do?  Oh my GOD!  What have I said to upset her?  Maybe she's taken offence to a status update?  Maybe someone has told her I don't like her?  Or that she thinks I'm a snobby bitch?  Or a fuckhead loser?  I know I've been a bit weird of late!  I can't seem to relate to people anymore... I'm not funny or witty these days... If only she got to know me, maybe I could be my old self and then she might like me.  Fuck?  What have I done?'

I rack my brains trying to think of something I may have done to upset her so much that she'd de-friend me... I create a million and one reasons in my mind and for two whole weeks I feel sick to the pit of my stomach.  I now start thinking:

'What if I run into her?  She'll probably ignore me... or worse, punch me in the face.  I'll be so embarrassed.  Is she just going to confront me and I'll be backed into a corner - because I don't know what I've done?  If only I knew what I'd done, I could apologise before she confronts me about it.'

Then... one morning... I walk into the gym, pick up a pen to sign in and see her name above mine on the register.  Immediately I am struck with panic!!!  Bubble in throat, feeling hot all over, heart pounding, hands shaking.  I look up and see her... she looks straight at me... and says:

...with a big friendly smile on her face...

'Oh my GOD!  Karly!  I haven't seen you in ages!  I thought you might be here... We have to get together for beers soon!'

'Huh?  What the?  Hang on one second!  She doesn't hate me?'

No... she doesn't hate me.  She likely hadn't even thought about me during those 2 excrutiating weeks.... unlike me!  Whose pretty much dedicated the last fortnight to stress and worry.

In all the narratives I explored... I didn't explore the fact that perhaps she didn't de-friend me, that perhaps there was a facebook glitch... or perhaps one of the kids got on and deleted a bunch of people by accident.

  We don't know why it happened, but it certainly wasn't a callous and calculated move or one of revenge.  In fact, I wasn't even a fleeting thought.

Negative escalation... she's a nasty bitch from hell!

Facebook, or not... she ain't no friend of mine! 

Post Script:  I've had a couple of comments that the last line has confused some... I mean that 'escalation' is no friend of mine.  The girl on facebook is a friend both on facebook and in real life.

Nice day for... beach running!

I've been pretty slack on the exercise front... well, when I say that you'll probably think I'm exaggerating.  I still walk the dog for an hour each day and get to the gym a couple of times a week. 

For me, coming from a time not so long ago, it seems that I've slowed down substantially.  I used to work out at least once a day (twice most days) plus walk or run my dog for an hour on the beach.  Lately, I've been feeling a little lack lustre.

Today, was a stunning winters day!  And a stark reminder of why we moved here.  20 degrees, gorgeous and sunny... the perfect day for a beach run with Billy!

So, rather than make excuses... I chucked Bill in the car , put on my heart monitor, grabbed a bottle of H2O and headed out the door.

It was sooooooo nice!   I surprised myself... although I've been light on the exercise, I still managed to do it in under an hour - and with only one short break.  TOPS!

Just a snap shot of my piece of paradise... if you are interested, I run from just left of Coronation Park... to the river entrance at Valla.  Need to work out how long it actually is... but I'm thinking perhaps 7k's return?

So, I'll be commiting to getting out and pounding the sand twice a week.  It's truly exhilarating!